Tuesday, September 25, 2018

The Idler, Wednesday, September 26, 2018


with zero


WHAT is the position of those of us who are on the reserve list of the military? Can we be called up again?

The question arises after a conversation I had with a rather comely woman in The Pub With No Name, in Florida Road. She told me she'd been a captain in the military police.

"Oh? Did you start off in the catering corps?"

"No. Why?"

"I've always understood that if a fellow is a useless soldier, they make him a cook. And if he's a useless cook, they make him a military policeman."

"You cheeky bastard! I'll get you!" (The instinct never leaves these military police).

"How will you get me?"

"I've still got my connections. I know your name. I'll get you called up from the reserve list."

"That's okay. They can give me back-pay for all these years on the list as an Able Seaman Then I'll take you to dinner."

As I say, a comely wench. But I fear my chances are zero.


CAN we expect the copy-cat effect to swing into effect? This is when highly publicised incidents prompt other such incidents.

In the US a woman interrupts the process of confirming the appointment of a new high court judge by claiming that, at high school 35 years ago, he attempted to sexually molest her.

Then another woman similarly accuses him from university days.

The copy-cat effect? Who can tell?

I have a recurrent nightmare. The Idler is denounced by a girl who says he lasciviously pinched her bottom while at kindergarten.

It's a minefield out there.


INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener reflects in his latest grumpy newsletter on the apparently imminent boom in dagga cultivation.

"A judge has decided that it's probably OK to grow cannabis at home for one's own consumption. Reactions are widespread, starting with doubt that he meant what we thought he said.

"Nevertheless, stories with the word 'high' woven into every paragraph are widespread. What will result from taking these first steps in decriminalising what may be one of the nation's largest illegal industries?

"What happens to that huge lucrative network of production and distribution? Those guys aren't going to take this sudden hollowing out of their income stream lightly.

"And then there's the matter of the state's war against tobacco – another smokable plant – which has caused massive smuggling of, and illegal trade in, cigarettes. As much as R7 billion in tax may have been avoided and must to be 'taken back' for the good of the nation.

"Maybe the government is even now fashioning a tax on dagga."


YOU don't believe everything you hear in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. Bird nappies?

Come on, pull the other one, it's got bells on it.

But this fellow insisted that a girl he knows sells bird nappies and she's swamped by demand.

Some research yields the following: "Flight Suits are cleverly disguised, soft, stretchy, reusable pet bird diapers. Your birds will be happier as they spend more time out of their cage, both in and out of the house, worry-free from embarrassing accidents … the patented 'poop-pouch' safely keeps droppings away from your bird's feathers, and off you too!"

Oh boy, what's the range? From frets and white-eyes to ostriches and albatrosses?

You just can't be too careful.


DICTIONARY definition: Thingy.

Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.

Male: The fastener on a woman's bra.


Last word

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mary Wilson Little

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