They know a
place where we
can boogie
READERS might have noticed that in the first remake on Monday of The Mercury, my ruggedly handsome features appeared above this column. I think the picture was taken while I was adjudicating in the annual ladies' leapfrog-in-bra-and-knickers event in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties.
But from the following day the traditional Idler logo was used, showing only my feet on a desk and a coffee mug.
A facetious fellow from Howick phoned in asking me to convey to whoever made this decision that it was an excellent one.
But the truth is that our switchboard was flooded with calls from members of the fairer sex eager to take me to dinner, or to boogie, some even offering marriage. This was on top of calls from film studios and fashion magazines.
As a person of innate diffidence, I shrink from such attention. Besides, the switchboard was getting jammed.
· UNEASY lies the head that wears a crown … Several world leaders are in a fix.
In Britain, Prime Minister Theresa May faces a leadership challenge from the goonish Boris Johnson as she leads the lemming rush of Brexit – Johnson wanting the rush to be faster and more purposeful.
May's compromise plan is rejected alike by the brexiteers and by those who want to remain in the EU. The EU itself jeers at the plan. Opinion polls now suggest that a majority of Brits oppose Brexit (which never was properly explained to them at the time of the referendum).
Yet the lemming rush continues. How long will May be leading it?
In Germany, the erstwhile strong lady of Europe, Angela Merkel, having lost ground in elections suddenly has neo-Nazis running through the streets of her cities as they exploit uneasiness at immigration.
In the US, President Trump's political allies are being dragged before the courts on various charges. His election campaign is being investigated by the Department of Justice for alleged collusion with Russia – a "witch hunt", as he terms it. But the hunt continues. Astonishingly, the long-time chief financial officer of his business empire has been "indemnified" against prosecution by the FBI, which means he is co-operating. Indemnified for what? FBI. Just what is going on?
Plus, of course, various ladies – including a porn star – alleging illicit slap and tickle.
The mid-term elections are coming up. The Republicans could well lose control of the House of Representatives. Meanwhile, the American population itself has probably never been as divided since the Civil War.
Who is purring and rubbing his hands? Why, Vladimir Putin, of Russia. America in turmoil; Britain weakened, the EU weakened. Democracy in crisis. Nato in question. Everything is running his way.
Except, er, he has a spot of fiscal trouble. So broke is Russia that he's had to cut back on state pensions, making people work years longer before they get the pension to which they have contributed.
It's been met with fury. Thousands have marched in protest, the Communist Party organising things. For a former KGB boss this must be somewhat unnerving. Where does it end?
Damned communist troublemakers!
· OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Why is a singles bar different from a circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk to you."
Tailpiece
THE Loch Ness Monster walks into a Soho bar and orders a shot of whisky at £8.
"We don't get too many monsters in here," says the barman.
"Aye, and at yer prices I'm no surprised."
Last word
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
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