The Idler, Tuesday, August 14

Refuse collection solution

STAND by for an urgent visit by a fact-finding team from eThekweni Council to Puy de Fou historical theme park in Vendee, France. It's to do with the endless ructions in Durban over refuse collecton.

At Puy de Fou they've solved the problem. According to Sky News, they're training six crows to pick up cigarette butts and other bits of rubbish. These they drop into a bin and, in return, for each butt or piece of rubbish the crow is rewarded with a titbit.

It's a case of using nature itself to care for the environment, says Nicolas de Villiers, head honcho at the park. Six "particularly intelligent" crows have been selected for the task.

Voila! This is the way to go. We've got plenty of crows in Durban. And if a crow can do a thing, so can an Indian mynah. And we've got more than plenty of Indian mynahs. In no time, Durban will be a gleaming, spotless city.

And why stop at crows and Indian mynahs? The hadedahs have been loafing about for years waiting for something useful to do. Why not train them to drive solid waste trucks. They're not unionised, it's dead simple, it'll go like clockwork.

Just watch those Ethekwini Council agendas. Things are about to change.

 

Giants of the past   WHERE in this world of turmoil are the weighty and reassuring leaders of yesteryear? Reader Beau Lintner gives the example of Churchill, whose vocabulary and command of the English language were unparalleled.   'How I wish we had representatives, politicians and statesmen of his calibre around today." Beau quotes Churchill stating his position on whisky.   "If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fibre of my being. "However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean good cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation... then my friend I am absolutely, unequivocally in favour of it! "This is my position and, as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."   A man you could follow. They don't make 'em like that any more.     No answer   OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Alcohol isn't the answer. But it helps you to forget the question."

US goes ugly

THINGS are turning ugly in America. Donald Trump's former campaign manager is in court charged with huge shenanigans connected to his dealings with the Ukraine.

There's a buzz of lawyers contradicting one another as special counsel Robert Mueller edges toward interviewing the president for his investigation into alleged collusion with Russia during the 2016 election campaign.

Meanwhile, the mid-term elections to Congress are bearing down and the pollsters and pundits are trying to project what could happen there in this febrile atmosphere.

And now satirist Andy Borowitz conflates the whole lot. He predicts in the New Yorker that the Republicans could pick up as many as 70 seats in prison.

Yes, it's getting really ugly.

 

Tailpiece

 

"DOCTOR, you've got to help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog."

"Okay, lie down on the couch and tell me all about it."

"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."

Last word

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world. – George Bernard Shaw