The Idler, Friday, Augist 16, 2018

Cows, horses, trout, salmon

IN THE days when our railways were still known as the SAR&H (South African Railways and Harbours), the freight regulations – very detailed – used to cause some hilarity with bits like "for the purposes of these regulations a cow shall be deemed to be a horse."

Now it seems much the same is true in China, where a rainbow trout shall be deemed to be a salmon.

According to the BBC, in China rainbow trout can now be labelled and sold as salmon.

They are similar. They both belong to the umbrella genus salmonidae and both have reddish meat. They look fairly alike.

But rainbow trout are freshwater fish. Salmon are born in fresh water but spend most of their life at sea, returning to the rivers only to breed.

It seems the Chinese have deemed a rainbow trout a salmon mainly because everyone had been deeming the same for years and it would be simply too complicated to differentiate now.

But some Chinese consumers are unhappy, complaining that they've been misled. "Are crayfish now lobster?" one of them asked.

Which brings us to an interesting test case right here in KZN. A provincial ordinance sets out all kinds regulations around the catching of crayfish – size, season, bag limit and the need for a licence.

This fellow was hauled before the beak a few years ago for poaching crayfish. But he was a smartypants. He produced in court all kinds of encyclopaedic and other zoological writings to prove that the "crayfish" was a freshwater crustacean in North America. The crustacean in the rock pools of our coast was in fact the "spiny rock lobster".

The ordinance made no mention of spiny rock lobster. He was therefore entitled to catch as many of them as he liked, when he liked and of whatever size, without any need for a licence.

"Your Worship, I rest my case."

But the smugness did not last long. The beak switched to the Afrikaans version of the ordinance and found him guilty of poaching "kreef". He didn't even need to deem anything. A kreef is a kreef, what we also (perhaps wrongly) call a crayfish.

Making an example

YES, conservation can have its legal complications. There was the case when a Zululand magistrate (who I knew well – a lovely fellow) was caught hunting illegally, along with his assistant magistrate.

They were caught by a Parks Board ranger (who I also knew well – another lovely fellow).

Dilemma. How is justice served when both occupants of the local bench are accused? They got round it this way.

The magistrate appeared in the dock before his assistant. He pleaded guilty to illegal hunting and was fined £5.

Then they switched positions. The assistant magistrate went to the dock, the magistrate to the bench. The assistant pleaded guilty to illegal hunting.

The magistrate then spoke sternly: "Illegal hunting is becoming altogether too prevalent in this district. Why, this is the second case in this court today. I have to make an example of you. You are fined £10."

My Parks Board friend never did see the funny side of it. A scandalous matter turned into a joke. Disgraceful!

 

 

This is love?

A LONDON fireman went up the ladder to rescue a macaw parrot that had been stuck on the roof for three days, according to Sky News.

"When you reach her, say: 'I love you'," Chris Swallow was advised as he started climbing.

"I love you," he said as he drew level with Jessie the macaw.

At which Jessie told him to go away, using a brief, pungent and well-known expression. She went on to excoriate Swallow at length, using a vocabulary that seemed to come from the foc'sle of a pirate ship. Then she switched to Turkish and Greek. None of it sounded polite.

Then she flew to a next-door roof, from there to a tree and then back to her owner.

Well I'll be #@$%^&* …

 

Tailpiece

The anthropologist is investigating a tropical island. Drums are beating insistently in the jungle. He asks the guide: "What are those drums?"

"Drums good. Very bad when drums stop."

Then the drums fall silent.

"The drums have stopped. What now?"

The guide is cowering. "Bass solo."

Last word

DARWINIAN man, though well-behaved,

At best is only a monkey shaved! – WS Gilbert