Sunday, April 15, 2018

The Idler, Monday, April 16, 2018

Bad day at the Coliseum

EHEU! – as the ancient Romans used to say after an upset at the Coliseum. Kings Park on Saturday was the worst debacle since Tobruk.

The kindest thing that can be said is that it could have been a case of Jetlag versus Two-week Layoff. There was a sense of the Sharks being not quite awake during that 20-miute blitz in the first half.

Also, we unaccountably opted to kick penalties for the corner when the posts beckoned. Then Robert du Preez missed that sitter (after not missing 20 or so in previous matches). Eheu, eheu, eheu! This was not our day. Nine more points on the scoreboard at halftime could have made all the difference.

Then, as the rain teemed down, we threw caution to the winds while the Bulls sensibly adapted to wet conditions. This gifted them two more soft tries. Eheu, eheu, eheu, eheu!

Tobruk was followed by Alamein. The guys need to get it together for the Stormers in a few days. Cowboys don't cry!

Polyester pantaloons

HAVE you ever wondered why Mickey Mouse had no offspring? Could it have been those silly red pants?

It's not so much that his lack of style turned Minnie off. It could have been that the pants were made of polyester instead of cotton.

Huffington Post explores the question in the light of research by a Cairo sexologist who put 60 laboratory rats into pants – some cotton and some polyester – then observed their amorous activities. The cotton pantaloons outperformed the polyesters by a country mile.

The reason why has not been established. But Shafik's groundbreaking research has been recognised in a posthumous award by Harvard University, in the US, of an Ig Nobel Prize.

The Ig Nobels are awarded for whacky but genuine scientific research by an organisation called The Annals of Improbable Research. They're a popular feature of the Harvard academic year.

Usefulness? Nobody is likely to practise rodent control by catching rats and mice and putting them in polyester pants.

But there can be useful spin-offs, avenues for further research. How many fellows, for instance, get lucky in singles bars if they're wearing 70s-style "time to shine" polyester suits?



Games record

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener remarks in his latest grumpy newsletter on the performance of the Cameroon contingent at the Commonwealth Games, in Australia.

"While athletes in the green and gold have been collecting a wonderful haul of medals at the Commonwealth Games, no nation can equal the record set by the chaps from Cameroon who have swept the board in the unscheduled Hide and Seek event.

"Eight of them disappeared several days ago and so far no one in Australia has found them. I doubt they'll come back for the medal ceremony though."


A cure

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "When I heard they'd discovered a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse."


MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit. Topic: Golf.

·       Soccer is a simple-minded game for simple people; golf is merely an expensive way of leaving home. – Michael Parkinson.

·       Golf is an ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose. – Winston Churchill.

·       A game in which you can claim the privileges of age, and retain the playthings of childhood. – Samuel Johnson.

·       My favourite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest cannot be mastered. – Lord Robertson.

·       When male golfers wiggle their feet to get their stance right they look exactly like cats preparing to pee. - Jilly Cooper.

·       The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. - PG Wodehouse.

·       The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. – HG Wells.

·       Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else – Peter Andrews.

·       Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom. – Michael Green.



WHY did the hippo fall out of the banana tree?

The rhino pushed him.

Last word

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

Lewis Carroll

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