Sunday, April 15, 2018

The Idler, Friday, April 13, 2018

High road singalong

HAVE you noticed how "rumble" strips on a highway produce a distinct, high-pitched note in the sound of the tyres on the tarmac? That's deliberate. It's to warn you to slow down and be on the look-out.

In the Netherlands they've taken it further – very much further. In the province of Friesland they've so arranged the strips on the road between the towns of Leeuwaarden and Stiens that if you drive over them at the correct speed they produce a medley of notes. In fact they sing the Friesland provincial anthem, according to the BBC.

Is this not brilliant? Er, no, say the Frieslanders. They're sick and tired of hearing the provincial anthem day and night as cars travel between the towns. They can't sleep.

It gets worse at night when taxis and other vehicles illegally speed up, thus speeding up the Friesland provincial anthem. It must sound like the chipmunk jabber you get if you play an LP record at fast speed.

The Friesland provincial government has now agreed to remove the strips. The experiment has cost €80 000 (R1.1m), including the removal.

No, Mshini wami on the North Coast road is not a good idea either.


Humdinger in store

TOMORROW could be the day for the gumboot dance in the Duikers' Club.

Two equally matched sides – the Sharks and the Bulls – that have clicked somewhat late in the season, both playing expansive, attacking rugby and both with something to prove. Both also with an eye on the play-offs. The season is getting interesting.

Kings Park is set for another humdinger. Ole, ole, ole! See you in the Duikers'!

Hot chilli

A FELLOW who swallowed a Carolina Reaper chilli in New York state, in the US, experienced "dry heaves" and ended up in hospital with intense neck and head pains and "thunderclap headaches", according to Sky News.

He was a participant in an "eating contest". The unnamed man's experience was described in a medical journal.

One thing's for sure. If he should ever visit Durban, he must avoid the "Mother-in-law's Revenge" curry powder at the Victoria Street Market. The dry heaves start when you so much as look at it.

Eiighteen a day

THERE'S nothing so loyal as a satisfied beer drinker. A Californian with the catchy name of Randy Colpek is so enamoured of his local brew, Kirkland Light, that he produced his own commercial on it and got it on You Tube, where it has gone viral.

He dances a bit of a jig and recites slogans:

  • "Kirkland Light: It's 11 am somewhere."
  • "Kirkland Light: Available in 48-packs where you buy your pants!"
  • "Kirkland Light: Give me a Kirkland, a coozy and a floozy!"
  • "Kirkland Light: Got a drinking problem? Now you got a drinking solution!"
  • "Kirkland Light: Life is like beer. Drink it in and pee it out!"

He told Huffington Post he drinks about 18 cans a day of Kirkland Light. Judging by the commercial, he was about halfway through his day when he made it.


Girlie mag

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "There's this new girlie mag that caters for the married market. It's just like Playboy or Penthouse, but it's all the same model, month after month after month …"



SPCA workers in Scotland were astonished to be brought a spiny beach ball. It turned out to be a hedgehog suffering from "balloon syndrome", having swelled to a circumference of 76cm.

Apparently it's a freak thing with hedgehogs, according to Sky News. This one had probably been clipped by a car on a country road, which had punctured a lung. The air from the lung then found its way to just beneath the skin – making him into a balloon.

The hedgehog – they named him Zeppelin – was taken to a care centre at Fishcross, Clackmannanshire (nice name that), where he has been under deflation treatment for more than eight months.

Now Zeppelin is right as rain and has been released into the wild in Perthshire. All's well that ends well. (We hope Zeppelin is not homesick for Clackmannanshire).



SHE'S a busty gal in a tight, low-cut dress. It's a crowded party.

"A bit crowded," she says to this fellow.

"Yes, but it suits you."


Last word

It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art.

Oscar Wilde

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