Sunday, April 15, 2018

The Idler, Friday, April 5, 2018

Enthusiastic support for Sharks

LAST night the gals of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties were strumming enthusiastically at their knickers in anticipation of this morning's game against the Wellington Crusaders, down in the Land of the Long White Underpants.

After last week's shock result against the Auckland Blues they were anticipating the traditional celebratory feu de joie in which the streetlights are shot out with catapults fashioned from knicker elastic.

But by the time many of you are reading this, the 80 minutes will have been and gone. Why, oh why, do they play rugby at such an unearthly hour down there in the Land of the Long White Nightshirt?


Beano personality

BRITISH MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has been accused by Beano comic of "masquerading" as the Beano character, "Walter the Softy".

The bespectacled Tory and leading brexiteer was served with a "cease and desist" letter by management at the children's comic, according to Sky News..

They accused the politician of a "clear infringement" of copyright because he has been "distinctly copying" Walter.

Mike Stirling, head of Beano Studios, accused Rees-Mogg of copying Walter's hair parting and style, distinctive glasses, choice of vintage clothes and "snootiness".

He wrote: "We firmly request that you cease and desist in your ongoing impersonation of the character, which remains the exclusive property of Beano Studios.

"A swift response on this matter would be greatly appreciated to avoid getting Teacher involved."

Rees-Mogg's response is that he is flattered.

He's not the first Tory to be linked to the Beano comic. Another Beano character is Denis the Menace, an urchin with a shock of tousled jet-black hair.

Who else has a shock of tousled hair? Why, foreign secretary Boris Johnson – except this hair is blond.

That's it – Boris the Menace, as Private Eye magazine calls him.

Brexit England

THE Poms are getting their come-uppance. England might think it's the centrepiece of the Commonwealth, but the Games programme places it in Africa, says it has a population of two million and gives its capital as Banjul.

Maybe it's got something to do with Brexit.

Er, it's a printing error, apparently something to do with the West African country, The Gambia, being re-admitted to the Commonwealth after a phase of naughtiness. The Gambia has Banjul as its capital and has about two million inhabitants. It's the kind of mistake anyone could make.

The England contingent find it hilarious. The Games organisers are embarrassed but not flustered. In fact they're printing another 500 copies before they correct the error. The idea is that the error has created a demand as a collectors' item.

Dilly Dilly!

IT'S a while since I was on the golf course. Customs have evolved. These days (in America anyway) fans shout "Baba booey!" after a successful putt, or "In the hole!"

Now another phase, "Dilly Dilly!" has crept in – but it's too much for the Masters organisers. They've put their foot down.

Augusta National Golf Club, in Georgia, have been told that any spectator who shouts "Dilly Dilly!" should be thrown off the course immediately, according to Huffington Post.

It's not entirely clear why. Are they trying to take all the fun out of golf?


MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit. Today's topic: Rowing.

·       The only Oxford and Cambridge boat races ever remembered are those in which one side has gratifyingly sunk. – Miles Kington.

·       Either Oxford or Cambridge is leading. John Shagge.

·       Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew. – Harry Carpenter.

·       .Eight minds with but a single thought – if that! – Sir Max Beerbohm.

·       Rowing seems to me to be a monotonous pursuit, and somehow wasteful to be making all that effort to be going in the wrong direction. – Peter Ustinov.


THE three bears go into their parlour.

Daddy Bear: "What's this? Someone's been eating my porridge!

"Baby Bear: "Me too! Someone's been eating my porridge!"

Mummy Bear (who has gone into the kitchen): "Shut up, you two! I haven't made the damned porridge yet! Do we have to go through this every single morning?"

Last word

Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.

Ronald Reagan


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