What really happened
CONFLICTING reports have emerged of the incident in London where Prince Andrew – second son of Queen Elizabeth – was stopped by police as he strolled in the grounds of Buckingham Palace and was asked to identify himself.
According to the Daily Mail, he "reacted with fury". According to the Sunday Express, the officers pointed guns at him and told him to sit on the ground with hands in the air. He was "livid with rage" and tore a strip off them.
Here is what actually happened. A sergeant and a constable were patrolling the grounds.
Constable: "Cor, Sarge, there's a bleedin' 'obo! 'Ow'd 'e get into the grounds?"
Sergeant: "Right shifty-lookin' bleeder, inne? After nickin' 'Er Majesty's lettuces, I'll be bound. Oi! You! Wot you doin' 'ere?"
Prince Andrew: "What ho, chaps! I'm just taking of the evening air and checking Mummy's flower borders for her while she's up in Scotland. Will be off in a mo to a show in the West End."
Sergeant and constable (both saluting): "'Ave a nice evenin' Your 'Ighness."
How do I know this? I made it up, just like the Daily Mail and the Sunday Express. I always wanted to be a royal correspondent.
Love story
DOES love conquer all? A 61-year-old American man woke up in a hospital in California, speaking only Swedish and unable to remember who he was or recognise his family.
It turned out Michael Boatwright had been in the navy and had indeed been in Sweden 30 years ago, but had no idea how he ended up in California or anything else. He was unable to speak his native tongue, English.
They call it transient global amnesia. The doctors flew him off to Sweden to see if this would jog his memory – and what a jogging it got. The case had wide publicity in the US and Sweden, and Boatwright was met at the airport with great affection by a former girlfriend.
'Tis weird, beyond the imagination even of Hollywood. What happens if you wake up speaking, say, Spanish? Do you get reunited with that flamenco dancer from long ago?
Badges
DOES anyone recognise the description of these military badges? Mo Hope-Bailie inherited from her grandfather two badges in 9-carat gold, each of them consisting of a 4 cm bar with a lion (or perhaps a rhino) on it - she's not sure; then a semi-circle above, engraved with Zululand Mounted Rifles and (the second badge) Umvoti Mounted Rifles.
They were stolen from her home and she needs to put a value on them for the insurance claim. Would anyone out there be able to help?
The Zululand Mounted Rifles were absorbed into the Umvoti Mounted Rifles soon after Union, which would suggest the badges' having been issued some time before 1913.
Tailpiece
AS A BUTCHER shoos a dog from his shop, he spots a R100 note in his mouth plus a handwritten note reading: "Ten lamb chops, please."
Astonished, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards.
The butcher follows, totally astonished. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his hind paws to push the "stop" button. The butcher follows him off the bus.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoep. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door – Whap! He does this again and again. No response.
Then he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts yelling at the dog, whacking at him with a rolled-up newspaper.
The butcher shouts: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
"Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Last word
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.
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