Holiday to remember
A HOTEL in Beijing has had its brochure translated from Mandarin into English. It makes lively reading.
· Getting there: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
· The hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
· The restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table and fiddle with you.
· Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
· Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
· Above all: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
Hey, what a groovy establishment. Beijing, here we come!
Demerit system
A RELATIONSHIP is a constant juggling of position, nothing is constant. The overriding rule is that she has to be happy. Reader Esmond Naidoo supplies what he calls the demerit system. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects anyway. Here goes:
· Simple duties: You make the bed (+1). You make the bed but forget the decorative pillows (-10). You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-3). You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8). But return with Jack Daniels (-5).
· Protective duties: You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1).
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0). You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something (+5).You pummel it with an iron rod (+10). It's her pet Schnauzer (-20).
· Social engagements: You stay by her side for the entire party (+1). You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2). Named Tina (-10). Tina is a dancer (-10). Tina has breast implants (-40).
· Her birthday: You take her out to dinner (+2). You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3). Okay, it's a sports bar (-2). And its all-you-can-eat night (-3). It's a sports bar and your face is painted the colours of your team (-10).
· A night out: You take her to a movie (+1). You take her to a movie she likes (+5). You take her to a movie you hate (+6). You take her to a movie you like (-2). It's called Death Cop (-3). You lied and said it was a foreign film about glamorous people (-15).
· The Big Question: She asks: 'Do I look fat?' (-5) - Yes, you lose points no matter what. You hesitate in responding (-10). You reply: 'Where?' (-35). You give any other response (-20).
· Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression (+2). You listen, for more than 30 minutes (+50). You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500). You have fallen asleep (-4 000).
A most ingenious formulation this is, and with a great ring of truth.
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Tailpiece
THE LATEST hit is Broken Alarm Clock Blues. It starts: "Woke up this afternoon …"
Last word
All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
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