Dating in the sunshine
FLORIDA is America's sunshine state. People make for it in their droves when they retire, seeking the warmth and sub-tropical luxuriance. It therefore has a high proportion of senior citizens. Many are still active in the boy/girl thing. Here are some dating ads that appeared in a Florida newspaper.
· Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
· Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
· I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
· Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
· I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
· I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
· Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Hey, maybe there's some confusion here. The other night I met up with an elderly guy called Steve in matching white shoes and white belt. He was with his chick named Leslie. It was in a place called The Pub With No Name, in Florida Road, Durban – not Florida in the US.
Or maybe it's just coincidence.
New distributor?
THE BREWERIES should be distributing schoolbooks, suggests investment analyst Dr James Greener in his latest grumpy newsletter.
"One of the few certainties of South Africa is that wherever you go it is possible to find a Castle Lager, usually chilled to perfection. And yet the bureaucrats over at the competition commission are still convinced that there is something not right with South African Breweries' distribution system and want to dismantle it.
"In fact rather than condemn it perhaps they should be employing its undoubted strengths and efficiencies to distribute schoolbooks, social grants and other government services that government officials seem unable to organise."
Buy what?
READER Neil Dunton says this is the absolute truth. A friend of his neighbour was describing how his sister-in-law was often moody and irritable. The neighbour asked if she was bipolar.
The friend replied, with a serious frown: "Oh no, she's got a Toyota."
Another nyala
LAST week's account of an nyala doe and her calf coming to drink at a campsite water trough in Mkhuze Game Reserve reminds Susanne Clarke, of Queensburgh, of an experience when she and her husband, Alan, were on honeymoon in the reserve.
"All of a sudden we stopped very abruptly. There on the track in front of us was a baby nyala. I got out of the car and picked it up and cuddled it
"Its eyes were closed and its little legs stretched out. I said to my husband I thought it was dead.
"All of a sudden its eyes flew open, it looked at me, it stretched out, jumped down, ran into the bush and was gone. What a wonderful experience!"
Yes, and the nyala is probably still talking about it too.
Hot action
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "I got an e-mail today from a bored housewife looking for some hot action. I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy."
Tailpiece
THERE'S been a ticketing mix-up and a man and woman – total strangers – find themselves sharing a train's sleeping compartment.
After the initial embarrassment they make the best of it, the man taking the top bunk.
In the middle of the night he reaches down, shakes her awake and says: "I'm awfully cold. Would you mind passing me another blanket?"
She (with a glint in her eye): "I've got a better idea. Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
He: "OK. Awesome!"
She: "Good. Get your own damned blanket!"
Last word
The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past.
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