More celebrity royalty
HERE'S new grist to the celebrity mill, in Britain and worldwide. The divorced Prince Andrew and the red-haired Fergie (that's the duchess, not the football coach) are said to have fallen in love again and want to be remarried. That's according to a section of Fleet Street.
The agony aunts will be in overdrive. A royal remarriage? Will it happen in the Church of England? Will the Queen allow it? (All royal marriages require her permission. Remarriages? Nobody knows).
Or will all the pageantry of a royal marriage – coaches, the Household Cavalry, military bands, troops lining the streets – be transferred to the precincts of a registry office?
You couldn't make it up.
Backhander?
MEANWHILE, a zoo in Russia has named three rare albino hedgehogs George, Alexander and Louis, after George Alexander Louis, first-born of Prince William and Katie, Duchess of Kent, because all were born on the same day.
Presumably the Russian zookeepers are well-meaning – they are not implying that the third in line to the British throne is an albino hedgehog.
These compliments can be a bit marginal. Nobody knows how delighted – or otherwise – President Obama is that an ancient lizard fossil has been named after him because, the palaeontologists say, its tooth structure gives it a smile exactly like his.
Monty Python
THE ABOVE recalls that marvellous sketch in Monty Python's Flying Circus where Oscar Wilde, Whistler and George Bernard Shaw are gathered about the Prince of Wales, delivering ponderous epigrams that are apparently insulting to the prince, then recover in the punchline – while listeners fall about with sycophantic laughter.
Whistler: "Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on top. Your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more."
Gales of laughter.
Then Shaw describes the prince as a stream of bat's urine. "You shine out like a shaft of gold while all about is darkness."
Hysterical laughter.
Then Wilde describes the Prince of Wales as being like a dose of VD. But unfortunately the recovery line makes it even worse. At which Wilde blows a resounding raspberry. And at which the entire company, the prince included, are helpless with laughter. "Oh splendid, Wilde, splendid! You really must come round to the palace one of these days."
Vintage stuff. This was surely the apogee of British humour.
Explaining cricket
DO WE PLAY cricket purely to confuse the Americans? The Fifth Ashes Test ended in a thrilling draw. A day's play was lost due to rain. Australia declared their innings closed (Huh?) making a result possible either way.
England got close and were prepared to lose wickets to get there. The Aussies weren't entirely out of it.
And then the umpires ended the game because of bad light – their decision, not an appeal by either side. Huh?
And it was a thrilling draw. What the heck?
Sorry chaps, you'll just have to stick to playing baseball against the Canadians.
Questions
MEANWHILE, reader Dave Pickford asks a few questions:
· What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of champagne? - A waiter.
· What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer? - Retired.
· What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? - A fisherman.
· Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? - They haven't got any openers.
· What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? - Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
· Who spends the most time at the crease of anyone in the Australian cricket team? - The woman who irons their cricket whites.
· What's the height of optimism? - An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
· What do you call a cricket field full of Aussies? - A vacant lot.
· What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? – Nothing. If you blink you'll miss them both.
· Why have the Australian bobsleigh team asked the cricket team for a meeting? -They want their advice about going downhill so fast.
Wow! They don't take long, do they? Cruel? Maybe – but the Aussies aren't slow to put the boot in when they're on top.
Tailpiece
Last word
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
No comments:
Post a Comment