Old-fashioned gallantry
THEY take no chances with these old-timers down at the docks these days. Phyllis Ambrose tells me a whole lot of them were breathalysed the other morning at 9.45 in the morning. She finds it something worthy of mention in the Street Shelter for the Over-40s.
"On a recent Mostly Over 80s trip, 26 of us were driven by bus to the National Sea Rescue Institute. When we reached the Point security area, all 26 of us had to be breathalysed before being allowed in.
"Then a remark which made my day came from one of the gentlemen on the bus to a lady wearing a pretty blouse: 'I like your top'.
"'Thank you,' she replied.
"Then he added: 'I like your bottom too!' Never too old for a laugh!"
Yes, the gallantry reminds me very much of the Street Shelter for the Over-40s. Phyllis and her friends should drop in next time they take an outing.
Oddly enough there have been some rumblings at the Street Shelter that the name is beginning to suggest a kindergarten. Some want it changed to Street Shelter for the Over-65s. But I think not. We don't want to get breathalysed next time we drop in at the NSRI.
Barley wine
OF COURSE, the authorities have to keep tabs on these old-timers. During a sojourn in England there was a pub in my town that stocked a drink called barley wine – highly potent and in tiny nip bottles. It was just opposite a pension pay-out point.
Every week the pensioners would drop in, have a nip or two of barley wine then start punching each others' heads. They caused the coppers huge problems.
Hence the breathalyser tests at NSRI. They're checking for barley wine.
Special scotch
THE WHISKY distillers, John Walker, have produced a Diamond Jubilee blended scotch to mark Queen Elizabeth's diamond jubilee last year. It contains a unique blend of grain and malt whiskies, all of which were distilled in 1952, the year of the Queen's accession to the throne, and have been maturing ever since.
The blend was put into a marrying cask of English oak taken from the Queen's estate at Sandringham.
The blend produced just 60 bottles which are on sale at £100 000 each (R1.5 million).
Koos van der Merwe bought himself a bottle. It goes great with Coke, he says.
Horseburger humour
BRITAIN'S horsemeat in the hamburgers scandal continues to gallop – though outpaced by the jokes that accompany it. Examples:
· I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. I guess Tesco just listened.
· Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yea or neigh?
· I'm not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
· Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.
· Tesco have been forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers. Shoppers were confused by barcodes.
· To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.
· The smaller version of those Tesco burgers makes great horse d'oeuvres.
· These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.
· China has jumped on the burger bandwagon. They're now selling Quarter Pandas
Veggie love
MEANWHILE, some vegetarian verse is supplied by reader Eric Hodgson:
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.
Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our Tulips meet.
Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my Valentine.
Yes, I know we're about a week late for that but Eric had to munch his way through a huge pile of Brussels sprouts to find the message underneath.
Tailpiece
THEY'RE at a fancy restaurant. She orders oysters, lobster, champagne – the whole nine yards.
He: "Does your mother feed you like this at home?"
She: "No, but my mother's not expecting to get laid tonight is she?"
He: "How about dessert and a liqueur?"
Last word
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
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