| Bad-mannered shark WHO SHOULD I meet up with the other day but Al Venter, my old colleague who has been writing stuff for decades now about Africa for publications like Jane's Defence Weekly. He's written at least a dozen books as well. British-based Al takes a break from war-ravaged spots in West Africa and elsewhere by coming to the South Coast to scuba dive with sharks. He and his lady, Caroline, had a somewhat unnerving experience at Aliwal Shoal the other day with a 5-metre tiger shark (that's a fifteen-footer) that was behaving very badly and out of character. This one was pushy and aggressive. Sharks are normally no problem and are beautiful creatures, says Al. Yeah. Like when Reub and Abner were camping in the Florida Everglades. Abner went off to collect water for the coffee and came back with eyes like saucers. "That there bayou is full of alligators, Reub!" "Relax, Abner, them alligators is twice as skeered o' you as you is o' them." "Reub, that there water ain't fit fer drinkin'!" Offer declined AL VERY kindly offered to arrange for me to join him on a shark dive. But unfortunately I had pressing commitments elsewhere. Er, washing the car, mowing the lawn, addressing the Women's Institute … Downhill LIZ CASTLEDEN, OF Westville, laments the disappearance from the shop shelves of writing paper, those pads of blue and lavender, some lined, some unlined, on which we as kids used to have to write thank you letters twice a year in ink, no corrections and alterations allowed. To all the shops I've been around No writing paper to be found! So sorry, Mum, can't write a letter To cheer you up and make you better. The young assistants look with awe But politely show me to the door. Letter? Writing paper? They do not use That's not in fashion, they accuse! Is that a good enough excuse? Alas, Liz, it's been all downhill since the microchip. Vintage Hope HUMOUR from another era – a compilation comes this way of quips from Bob Hope, the British-born American comedian who died a couple of months after turning 100: · On turning 70 – "I still chase women, but only downhill." · On turning 80 – "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing." · On turning 90 – "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." · On turning 100 – "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." · On giving up his early career, boxing – "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them." · On never winning an Oscar – "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'." · On golf – "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees." · On presidents – "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six." · On why he chose showbiz as a career – "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: 'Congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham'." · On receiving the Congressional Gold Medal – "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." · On his family's early poverty – "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." · On his six brothers – "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom." · On his early failures – "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me." · On going to Heaven – "I've done benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality." Another era, but still fresh and funny. Tailpiece
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Last word
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.
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