Are you still with it?
HERE'S a simple test of mental agility. The outcome determines whether you're on the ball or beginning to lose it. It's rather harsh and judgmental but is designed in our best interests.
· What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: Bread. If you said "toast" just give up now, do something else, stay quiet and try not to hurt yourself.
· Say "silk" five times. Spell "silk". Now - What do cows drink?
Answer: Water. If you said "milk", don't attempt the next question, your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Rather read some JK Rowling.
· If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house from blue bricks, a pink house from pink bricks and a black house from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Glass. Green bricks? Mama mia!
· It's 30 years ago and a plane is flying at 20 000 feet over Germany, which at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. The engine fails. The pilot crash-lands in "no-man's-land". Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany, West Germany, or no-man's-land?
Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said anything else, you're a dunce and must stop now.
· (Without using a calculator). You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven, in Wales. In London 17 people get on the bus. In Reading six people get off the bus and nine get on. In Swindon two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff 11 people get off and 16 get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five get on. In Carmathen six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What is the age of the bus driver?
Answer: What? You don't remember your own age? You're the driver, dumbo!
If you got any of these wrong – welcome to the Street Shelter for the Over 40s! Two or more wrong and you qualify for pensioners' prices.
Nightmare drive
A FRENCH motorist travelled 240km along a motorway at 200km/h in a nightmare drive after his accelerator jammed. Frank le Cerf was returning from the supermarket in Pont-de-Metz, near Amiens, northern France, when it happened. Every time he braked, the speed only increased.
He managed to alert the police on his cellphone. They sent out cars to escort him along the motorway between Calais and Dunkirk and warned the border post into Belgium to lift its booms – which is as well because next thing Lecerf and his escort flashed through.
Eventually he ran out of petrol and crashed into a ditch near Alveringem. If it's Tuesday it must be Belgium.
Hair-raising stuff. But one question. Does Lecerf's car not have an ignition key that could have been switched off?
| Vigilante justice AS SOUTH Africa is swept by revulsion and outrage over the crime of rape, a news report comes in from Melbourne, Australia. When 81-year-old Ava Estelle was told her 18-year-old granddaughter had been raped, she spent a week tracking down the two culprits before confronting them in their sleazy lodgings and blowing away their wedding tackle with a revolver. Then she turned herself in to the cops, handing over the gun. The rapists have survived but not as the men they once were. A police spokesman said it was a tricky case. "What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, especially when three million people in the city want to nominate her for mayor." |
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Not enthused
IAN GIBSON, poet laureate of Hillcrest, was not exactly enthused by the State of the Nation address.
The President's State of the Nation address
Purported to outline the road to success;
But the same old codgers
And their artful dodgers
Will still be in charge, making a mess.
Tailpiece
AN AIRLINE pilot makes an announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen, good news and bad news. The bad news: We've been hijacked by terrorists. The good news: They want to go to Disneyland!"
Last word
A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labour and there is an invisible labour
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