Brexit –
a medical
diagnosis
THE Brexit imbroglio defies analysis. It's created a dividing line in British society that cuts across all political and class groupings.
It could dismantle the United Kingdom. Boris Johnson's "deal" with the EU has already cut adrift Northern Ireland. Brexit has stoked Scottish nationalism, another independence referendum is demanded.
For those with an affection for Old Blighty, it's alarming and depressing.
It's also difficult to see the material benefits. Can Britain alone (or maybe "Little England" by the time Brexit happens) really achieve more in international trade than the EU with all its reach and its internal market?
Should Brexit happen? A reader who calls himself simply "Barry" brings us a medical diagnosis.
The allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The gastroenterologist's had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought Boris had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled: "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pee-ed off.
Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the lofty cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the anal retentives in parliament.
And that's about as sensible as anything we've heard so far.
Chitter-chatter
MORE snippets of arcane knowledge from reader Nick Gray, suitable for dinner table chitter-chatter.
· Martial arts exponent Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
· The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA.
· The original name for butterfly was "flutterby".
· The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything thicker than your thumb.
· By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
· Celery has "negative calories". It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
· Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest.
· Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying
· Sherlock Holmes never said: "Elementary, my dear Watson."
· An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing.
· The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
· Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
Who's going to argue?
Tailpiece
A BUS driver with the wisdom of Solomon. Two women are physically fighting for the last available seat. The conductor is trying to separate them.
The driver shouts in exasperation: "Give the seat to the fat one!"
Both women stand for the rest of the journey.
Last word
Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody. - Franklin P Adams
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