The Idler, Tuesday, November 19, 2019

You can't

fool those

sniffer dogs

DOES stinky cheese confuse and baffle the police sniffer dogs? It would appear not. Two Dutchmen hid half a ton of cannabis among bags of gone-off pizza cheese and tried to smuggle it into England.

But the drugs – worth £5 million (R95m) – were intercepted at Dover and the Dutchmen have been sent to jail, according to Sky News.

Mind you, the Border Force folk had been tipped off and were waiting for them, having intercepted the phone messages of a smuggling ring.

The two smugglers had intended taking their stinky cheese back to the Netherlands and using it again and again, no doubt getting smellier every time.

What an argument for the Brexit people. I'm surprised it hasn't featured prominently in this election campaign in Britain.

Now compare this success against drug smuggling with another case, this time in Australia, where, also according to Sky News, a fellow walked about with marijuana stuck up his nose for 18 years.

It started with this bloke doing time in jail, where he got a visit from his girlfriend who slipped him a balloon stuffed with marijuana. This he pushed up his nose in case the jail authorities found it – he must have had quite a schnozz on him – then couldn't take it out again. Then he believed he'd somehow sniffed back and swallowed the balloon.

He came out of chokey, presumably reunited with his sheila, then went on his way for 18 years, not suspecting he had marijuana up his snout.

But he developed sinus infections, headaches. Eventually he went to the doctors and they discovered that the balloon had developed into what they call a rhinolith - a stone in the nasal cavity, formed as calcium and magnesium salts slowly built up around the rubber. (Rhinolith – huge snout – it figures.)

This was removed. We're not told the street value of the rhinolith.

 

 

Big Picture

THE SA Airways crisis encapsulated:

·       Quantas – 252 aircraft; 32 500 employees; 129 employees per aircraft

·       British Airways – 238 aircraft; 36 832 employees; 156 employees per aircraft.

·       SA Airways – 58 aircraft, 55 500 employees; 957 employees per aircraft.

Now extrapolate this to Eskom, Prasa and the other state-owned entities.

You get the Big Picture.

 

 

Christmas is coming …

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I do a turkey, but if it makes them happy …"

 

 

Shad biting

LAST week we had a striking picture of the flooded Umgeni pouring into the sea at Blue Lagoon. Now an official update comes this way: "Water levels are so high that the shad are eating mangoes from the trees."

Voracious feeders those shad.

 

 

Sentence served?

AN AMERICAN man who is serving a life sentence for murder  was rushed to hospital from Iowa State Penitentiary, where his heart stopped beating five times, though he was eventually resuscitated.

Benjamin Schreiber then applied for release as he had served his life sentence, having "died" during the medical emergency, according to Huffington Post.

But the court weren't buying it. You have to be alive to lodge such a plea, they ruled.

Nice try though.

 

Tailpiece

THIS fellow walks into a bar. The chalked-up food menu says: "A pie, a pint and a kind word  - R30".

He orders. He's sitting there with his pie and his pint. He says to the barman: "Where's the kind word?"

"Wouldn't eat that pie if I were you."

Last word

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. - Peter Ustinov

 

 

The Idler, Monday, November 18, 2019

Time for a

jumbo gin

and tonic

WHEN the sun's beneath the yardarm of a summer's evening, what better than a refreshing glass of jumbo gin and tonic? Jumbo gin? Yes, down in Mossel Bay they're producing a gin that's been infused with elephant dung.

And what's wrong with that? You must have noticed on visits to game parks that you often see guinea fowl pecking at elephant dung. They're not eating the dung, they're eating the undigested fruit that's in it. Elephants digest  less than a third of the fruits and barks they eat.

Scientist couple Les and Paula Ansley hit on the idea of getting the elephants to do the work in producing a unique flavourant for gin, according to Associated Press.

The droppings are dried and crumbled, then washed to remove dirt and sand until only the remains of the fruit, flowers, leaves and bark eaten by the elephants are left behind. These botanicals are then sterilised and dried again.

Les and Paula describe the resulting flavour of their gin as "lovely, wooded, almost spicy, earthy …"

Nor do they try to hide the origins. It's marketed as Indlovu Gin (indlovu being an elephant) and it's a big hit with overseas tourists visiting Mossel Bay, selling at R500 a bottle.

Curious that. There's a place in Zululand called Gingindlovu, which means "Swallow the Elephant", though wags say it means "Gin Gin I Love You". Maybe Les and Paula should set up shop there.

Cheers! Here's to a swallow of infused elephant dung.

 

What I did …

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener notes in his latest grumpy newsletter that a new Ministerial Handbook is out.

"Apparently the big changes concern ministerial travel. There are now limits to what they can spend on a car, which end of an aeroplane they can sit and what to do when the mini-bar is empty.

"Apparently, there has been no mention of why ministers need to travel as much as they do. Especially to exotic climes and venues with lavish shopping facilities.

"Like schoolchildren after an outing, we should require our ministers to write us an essay on their return entitled 'What I Did On My Trip'."

 

 

Bleak sketch

THE bleakest of pictures is sketched in author Cathy Buckle's latest Letter from Zimbabwe, where the conversion of the previously used US dollars to the new Zimbabwe dollars has impoverished the entire nation.

She tells us Zimbabwe doctors earn the equivalent of $80 (US) a month – that's the equivalent of R 1 176. Some of them have been on strike for a living wage.

Now the government has fired 286 striking doctors. The same week cabinet ministers were told they are all getting new vehicles at the end of this month, to a value of $16 million (US).

"Sixteen million US dollars would have been enough to pay a thousand doctors $1 300 (US) a month for a year. Doctors or cars? The government chose cars."

Cathy also says the summer rains are near. The paradise flycatchers, with stunning long orange tails, are nesting in her garden; the chongololos – millipedes – are marching from their hiding places.

It's OK for the paradise flycatchers and the chongololos – they don't get paid in Zimbabwe dollars.

 

 

 

 

Tailpiece

 

VAN der Merwe got chucked out of the casino. He totally misconstrued the purpose of the crap table.

 

 

Last word

 

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. – Edith Wharton

 

The Idler, Friday, November 15, 2019

Bojo gets

a blast on

etiquette

ARE the Brits suffering Brexit battle fatigue? How else do you explain the sudden row over the way prime minister Boris Johnson makes a cup of tea?

Bojo appeared in a video clip on social media making himself a cuppa while on the election stump. He put in a tea bag – then poured in milk before taking out the bag.

This "sinful" action led to a deluge of comments on tea-time etiquette, according to Sky News.

One viewer wrote on Facebook: "Anyone else annoyed by the fact that he put the milk in whilst the tea bag was still in?"

"O-o-o-o-h, I could never vote for someone who does that."

"Needs to get rid of that filthy habit … take the bag out first"

"Our actual prime minister doesn't know how to make a cup of tea. Just how low can we possibly sink?"

But then a stream of Bojo loyalists rallied, insisting that the only way to drink tea is with milk in the cup while the teabag's still there.

The pundits and election analysts are still to give their verdict on the significance of this incident.

We need to be understanding. The Brits clearly are suffering Brexit shellshock.

 

 

Gastronomic foray

A RECIPE book lands on my desk. It's titled Stirring Up Memories and, to my great astonishment, it's written by Chris Taylor, a stalwart of the Natal Cricket Society who meet regularly in the Kingsmead Mynahs Club, at the ground.

I'd no idea Chris was a gastronome but here's the evidence – 90-odd pages of recipes for soups, noodles, curries and other dishes, some of them credited to his good lady, Tookie. It's mouth-watering stuff.

And Chris is most thorough. What's a good meal without a liqueur? He tells us how to make Naartjie Liqueur (1 bottle brandy, 360g rock candy/coffee crystals, peel of 10 naartjies, chip of nutmeg, 5 cloves, 2 sticks cinnamon); also Coffee Bean Liqueur (40 coffee beans, 2 oranges, 40 cubes white sugar, 1 bottle vodka).

I've no idea whether the book is for sale, or where, but I do think Chris ought to cook up the grub for the next meeting of the Natal Cricket Society. I fancy Tookie's Devilled Chicken, washed down with Naartjie Liqueur.

 

 

Wiring gone wrong

MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit. Topic: Dance.

·       I'm a great dancer and I love to dance. When I had my fiftieth birthday party the last tune they played was Boney M's Ra Ra Rasputin.  I thought right, let's really go for it, so there I was, swinging and moving until I got this terrible pain in my chest and I thought, dear God, I'm going to die on the dance floor, but what a great way to go, it's been a fantastic party. And when I came off the dance floor, I discovered I'd broken my underwired bra. – Clarissa Dickson-White.

·       She clapped me to her bosom and pushed me on to the dance floor. It was like being lashed to an upholstered pneumatic drill. – Richard Gordon.

·       I'm a dancer trapped in the body of a tree. – Ardal O'Hanlon.

·       Have you seen the price of ballet tickets? That's a lot to see buggers jump. – Nigel Bruce.

 

 

Tailpiece

THE telephone rings in the police station.

"Police? I want to report a burglar in a nymphomaniac's bedroom?"

"Who's this calling?"

"This is the burglar."

 

Last word

'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. - Abraham Lincoln

The Idler, Thursday, November 14, 2019

A whole lot

of stonking

going on …

 

OUT of-control wildfires in New South Wales and California … high winds fanning the blaze … cities and towns threatened as never before … floods in England … tornadoes in KwaZulu-Natal … drought in regions accustomed to rain …

The scientists were predicting all this years ago as global temperatures climbed, driven at least in part by a carbonised atmosphere created by industries belching smoke; motor vehicle exhausts; the destruction of rain forest that converts carbon dioxide to oxygen …

The survival of the planet and humankind would be at stake, never mind the disappearance underwater of vast areas of habitation as the polar icecaps melted and sea levels rose, the scientists warned.

But who listens to Fake News put out by scaremongerers? Donald Trump has withdrawn the US from the Paris Climate Accord. He's pushing big for a return to the good ol' days of the 1950s - oil gushers, coal mines, a petroleum-driven world, the kind of thing that made America great.

In this context I recall the words of Durban's Douglas Livingstone, who was an unusual mix of poet and scientist: "If you think you can work against nature, you're going to get stonked."

Looking about the world today, there seems to be quite a bit of stonking going on

 

 

Snake in the sky

 

THE tornado at New Hanover is something absolutely new. I can't recall anything like it in that district before.

Yet at Impendle, not so far away, tornadoes have been occasional visitors over the years. The locals call the phenomenon "the snake in the sky". There have been some scary episodes.

Why Impendle and not (until now) anywhere else? That's where the snake lives, of course. It's got nothing to do with global warming.

 

 

Smarter sex

 

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now tell me which sex is smarter."

 

 

Turkeys invade

COULD these wild turkeys in America be protesting against Thanksgiving next week? They've taken over a neighbourhood in New Jersey, terrorising people, breaking windows and pecking at cars, according to Huffington Post.

It's happening at a retirement village coincidentally called Toms River (a male turkey is a Tom).

"I can't get out of my door," one woman says. "Sometimes I can't get out of my car. They just attack you."

"They're pecking at our car roofs," says another. "Our brand new vehicles. They're pecking at our vehicles."

The turkeys show up around dawn and dusk, flying in rafters of dozens of birds. Inhabitants are agitating for them to be caught and moved elsewhere.

But the local animal welfare people blame the confrontations on over-development, saying the turkeys have been pushed out of their habitat.

To deter the wild turkeys, experts recommend making loud noises and opening and closing umbrellas, which seems to put them off.

It ought to be a lively Thanksgiving at Toms River. Bring your brolly. Loud noises? Nothing indecorous please.

 

Tailpiece

 

BILL Clinton is in a car with a Republican senator and a Democrat Senator. The car is swept into the air by a tornado. Up and up they go until they find themselves in the Land of the Wizard of Oz.

The Republican: "I'm going to ask the Wizard to give me a heart."

The Democrat: "I'm going to ask the Wizard to give me a brain."

Bill Clinton: "Where's Dorothy?"

 

 

Last word

 

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. - Henry Kissinger

The Idler, Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Brexit –

a medical

diagnosis

 

THE Brexit imbroglio defies analysis. It's created a dividing line in British society that cuts across all political and class groupings.

It could dismantle the United Kingdom. Boris Johnson's "deal" with the EU has already cut adrift Northern Ireland. Brexit has stoked Scottish nationalism, another independence referendum is demanded.

For those with an affection for Old Blighty, it's alarming and depressing.

It's also difficult to see the material benefits. Can Britain alone (or maybe "Little England" by the time Brexit happens) really achieve more in international trade than the EU with all its reach and its internal market?

Should Brexit happen? A reader who calls himself simply "Barry" brings us a medical diagnosis.

The allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The gastroenterologist's had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought Boris had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled: "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pee-ed off.

Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the lofty cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the anal retentives in parliament.

And that's about as sensible as anything we've heard so far.

 

 

Chitter-chatter

MORE snippets of arcane knowledge from reader Nick Gray, suitable for dinner table chitter-chatter.

·        Martial arts exponent Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

·         The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA.

·        The original name for butterfly was "flutterby".

·        The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything thicker than your thumb.

·        By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

·        Celery has "negative calories". It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

·        Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest.

·        Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying

·        Sherlock Holmes never said: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

·        An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing.

·        The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

·        Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

Who's going to argue?

 

Tailpiece

A BUS driver with the wisdom of Solomon. Two women are physically fighting for the last available seat. The conductor is trying to separate them.

The driver shouts in exasperation: "Give the seat to the fat one!"

Both women stand for the rest of the journey.

Last word

 

Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody. - Franklin P Adams

The Idler, Tuesday November 12, 2019

A paper

that stays

way ahead

 

"MERCURY to make rare transit of the sun". So read our front page headline yesterday.

I must say I wasn't aware of it, but it doesn't surprise me. This newspaper has always been ahead of the pack. We reported the Ladysmith beauty contest that nobody won. Stand by for an Idler's column from outer space.

Oh no, silly me! It's the planet Mercury that's made a transit of the sun, and it actually happened yesterday. It hasn't done this since 2016, according to the Durban Chapter of the Astronomical Society of Southern Africa, and it will happen again only in 2032.

The planet Mercury apparently was visible as a black dot between 2.30 and 6pm through a telescope set up at St Henry's Marist College – with the correct filters and a solar scope - but unfortunately I missed that.

Stand by for an Idler's column from Vetch's beach.

 

 

Brits downgrade

DOES this make us feel better? Moody's, the ratings agency, has put Britain in a "negative" category, which could be precursor to a downgrade.

Moody's cites the "increasing inertia and, at times, paralysis that has characterised the Brexit-era policy-making process" in stamping a negative outlook on the country's rating.

Rival credit ratings companies Fitch and S&P have already put the UK on negative credit watch.

Does this mean the Brits are, like us, hovering just above junk status? Er, not quite.

For now, the UK's rating remains in the second tier of developed countries at Aa2, similar to South Korea and France, but below the top notch Aaa ratings Moody's assigns to the US and Germany.

But negative outlook all the same. Is the Brexit distraction beginning to cost? Maybe our Eskom board could lend a hand.

 

Dollars, dollars …

MULTI-BILLIONAIRE and former New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg has joined the American presidential race. According to the New Yorker, he's already offered Donald Trump $10 billion to leave the White House "by the end of the day".

"I will deposit $10 billion dollars into your account in Moscow, Riyadh, or wherever you do your banking these days," Bloomberg announced. "All you have to do is go."

In addition to the $10 billion offer, Bloomberg told Trump he would cover the moving expenses of Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and any other associates "that you haven't already gotten rid of."

On Capitol Hill, congressional Democrats expressed sadness that Bloomberg's offer, if successful, would eliminate the need for impeachment, which many of them had been looking forward to.

But Representative Adam Schiff of California struck a more philosophical note. "If 10 billion dollars gets rid of Donald Trump, that's a quid pro quo I'm okay with," he said.

Yes, this is satirist Andy Borowitz having fun again.

Tailpiece

 

A FEMINIST climbs aboard a crowded bus. An old gent gets up out of his seat, and she forces him down again.

"Sit down, you silly old fool!" she says. "I can look after myself."

He tries again but she forces him down again.

"Don't give me your old-fashioned patriarchal gallantry. I will not be patronised. The sexes are now equal."

He tries yet again. She takes him in a half-nelson.

"Now listen, you stubborn old duffer. Times have changed. I don't need your hypocritical, demeaning  attitude toward the so-called fairer sex."

"Lady – all I want is to get off the bus!"

 

Last word

 

 

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. Frank Lloyd Wright