Anyone can bid
THE AWARDING of rail franchises in Britain to private operators has become so chaotic lately that Bigjigs – a toy firm that makes wooden children's trains – put in a bid for the West Coast Main Line service.
Back came a response from the Department of Transport. Bigjigs was congratulated on the "vibrant livery" of its trains but it might have to improve its bid by switching to aluminium from wood for the coaches.
The response concludes: "Notwithstanding the above, your vibrant livery would certainly brighten up the railway. Good luck in refining your proposal."
Yes, the Brits know how to handle these things.
Preferred bidders
MIND you, let us hope Bigjigs don't get ideas and start putting in bids for rail contracts in this country, such as the high-speed line between Nkandla and Pofadder.
Just set up the right connections and they'd probably win.
Backpay bid
THEN there was the case in the 1960s of the British soldier who noticed a typo on his army ID card. His date of joining the service was given as 1066.
He carefully worked out backpay and sent an itemised bill to the War Office. A reply confirmed the amount he was owed. But the reply also noted that, as the last survivor of the Battle of Hastings in 1066, he was responsible for so many horses, so many shields, lances, swords, suits of chainmail etc – all of it carefully itemised.
The total value came to ninepence more than he had claimed. But in view of his long and loyal service, the War Office would forgive what it was owed.
I hope that stuff is framed somewhere.
Bid for beer
AND THEN there was the Oxford student who discovered some long-forgotten university statute from the 16th century which provided that, during an examination, a student should bang on his desk three times if he wanted ale.
Midway through an exam, he duly began pounding. When the invigilators descended on him hissing with indignation, he airily handed them a copy of the statute.
They went off and eventually returned with a bottle of beer. But as he left the examination hall he was fined three guineas for not wearing spurs.
Yes, the Brits definitely do know how to handle these things.
Regional talk
A READER of Scots origin recently highlighted the difference between the accents of Glasgow and "marbles in the mooth" Edinburgh.
Jenny Lee now tells us she was taught that in Edinburgh "sex was what they brought the coal in."
Ah yes, these regional particularisms. In Brakpan they also put marbles in the mouth. "Sex? Depends if youse talkin' coal or goosies, ek se!" The plain folk of Boksburg can barely understand them.
Travel bug
READER Lilian Develing gets bitten by the travel bug now and then.
"I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
"I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.
"I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends, family and work.
"I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
"I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
"I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
"One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all the stimuli I can get."
Yep, just tell it to the GPS.
Tailpiece
A SENIOR citizen has been stone deaf for years. Then a doctor fits him with a hearing aid that restores his hearing 100 percent. He comes back again after a month for a check-up.
Doctor: Your hearing's still perfect. You family must be pleased."
Senior citizen: "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen. I've changed my will three times."
Last word
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden,
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