Our lives have changed
E-MAILS have changed our lives forever. What an instant exchange of ideas, of humour. It's like a global brain. Who thinks twice about it these days, really appreciates it? An e-mail comes this way thanking all who have had such input to the sender's life.
"I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat droppings in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
"I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1 387 258th time. But that will change once I receive the R15 million that Bill Gates/Microsoft is sending me for participating in its special e-mail programmes. And from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria, who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long-lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
"I no longer worry about myself because I have 363 214 angels looking out for me.
"Since the e-mail I received about the bird in the bread, I can finally let go of eating starch. Then, of course, if I do eat out I will take my own condiments with me because someone was caught putting infected blood into tomato sauce bottles.
"I have learned that my prayers are answered only if I forward e-mails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink a certain cola product because it can remove toilet stains.
"I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
"I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
"I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
"I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites.
"I can't even pick up the R5 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
"If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144 million people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5pm today and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
"I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician."
Yes, instant information. But it can be a little unnerving.
Climate change
A SEAL has been spotted in a lake miles from the sea after swimming through flooded fields in Cambridgeshire, England.
Yes, the Poms have been getting even more rain than us. When seal pups replace the corgis at Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle, we'll know this is most definitely climate change.
Not so jolly
TWO Aussies were sorely in need of a GPS when they attempted to break into a jeweller's shop in Beaudesert, south-west of Brisbane.
After they failed to smash the shop's windows with sparkplugs, they smashed their way through a toilet wall behind – but found themselves in an Animal Welfare League shop, where a charity box on the counter contained only $50 (R146) – which they took anyway.
Then they tried breaking through into another toilet and found themselves in a Kentucky Fried Chicken takeaway. There they threatened KFC staff with an iron bar and took $2 600 (R23 800) from a safe.
But the police were soon on to them. Peter Welsh, 32, and Dwayne Doolan, 31, were arrested at Welsh's home and are charged with armed robbery, stealing, burglary and attempted burglary.
Two not so jolly swagmen.
Tailpiece
He: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
She: "If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Last word
Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. - GK Chesterton
No comments:
Post a Comment