Dark and stormy again
A LAST hurrah from the Bulwer-Lytton literary contest, organised every year by the English Department of San Jose State University, California.
Here entrants compete to compose the worst, most florid, cliché-ridden introductory sentence to a bad novel, taking their cue from the "It was a dark and stormy night" introduction of Edward Bulwer-Lytton to his novel, Paul Clifford, in the 19th century.
The entries are so grotesque they are an art form. Here are some more:
- Bishop threw back the shot of bourbon and reflected on his career as a private dick, a profession he always thought of as perfect for a man named Richard who kept to himself and was often unkind to others.
- Truly, 'twas Gimoneus the wise, grand sorcerer of Elantorfan, keeper of the ancient rune of Turgochit, came nearest to slaying the mighty dragon of Ralmorgantorg; for he was old and sinewy, and t he wretched beast near choked to death on his femur.
- Corinne considered the colours (palest green, grey and lavender) and texture (downy as the finest velvet) and wondered, "How long have these cold cuts been in my refrigerator?"
- Tucked in a dim corner of The Ample Bounty Bar & Grille, Alice welcomed the fervent touch of the mysterious stranger's experienced hands because she had not been this close with a man in an achingly long time and, quivering breathlessly, began to think that this could be the beginning of something real, something forever, and not just a one-time encounter with a Good Samaritan who was skilled at the Heimlich Manoeuvre.
- Chain-smoking as he stood in the amber glow of the street lamp, he gazed up at the brownstone wherein resided Bunny Morgan, and thought how like a bunny Bunny was, though he had read somewhere that rabbits were coprophages, which meant that they ate their own faeces, which was really disgusting now that he thought about it, and nothing like Bunny, at least he hoped not, so on second thought Bunny wasn't like a bunny after all, but she still was pretty hot.
- The real problem with the "many universes" interpretation of quantum mechanics is that if it's true, then somewhere, in some universe, anything you can possibly imagine has already happened, which means that somewhere, another version of me has already finished writing the rest of this science-fiction novel, so I'm not feeling real inspired to do it myself.
- The two power-hungry, 20-something biographers met with me incognito and settled on penning my memoirs, one on a percentage of future sales and one on upfront remuneration; so there is one yuppie I pay, one yuppie I owe, ghostwriters in disguise.
- Her skin was like flocked wallpaper and her eyes had seen better days, but when her bloodless lips murmured "Hi, Sailor," my heart melted from the inside out like one of those chocolate-covered ice cream bars on a summer day that runs down your arm and gets all over your new shirt.
- Her fixed gaze at dinner reminded him so much of an owl that he found himself wondering when she would regurgitate her meal into a pellet and told the waitress they didn't need a dessert menu.
· As I gardened, gazing towards the autumnal sky, I longed to run my finger through the trail of mucus left by a single speckled slug – innocuously thrusting past my rhododendrons – and in feeling that warm slime, be swept back to planet Alderon, back into the tentacles of the alien who loved me.
- "Your eyes are like deep blue pools that I would like to drown in," he had told Kimberly when she had asked him what he was thinking; but what he was actually thinking was that sometimes when he recharges his phone he forgets to put the little plug back in but he wasn't going to tell her that.
Wonderful stuff! How's that wordplay on Ghost Riders in the Sky? Yippee-yi- yay …
Tailpiece
A DARK, sinister figure sits down beside Van der Merwe on a park bench and says: Be very afraid! I am Satan, Prince of Darkness!"
"Ag, ja. I heard they've got a new CEO at Eskom."
Last word
Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.
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