The Idler, Monday, January 14, 2013

Bears in the forest NEWS from the US. The Department of Environmental Quality, in Pennsylvania, has been in correspondence with a Mr Ryan DeVries "Dear Mr DeVries: "It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorised activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorised activity:'Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.' "A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. "The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition. "David Price "Water Management Division". "Dear Mr. Price, "I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorise nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials 'debris.' "I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.     "As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. "My first dam question to you is: Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers? Or do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? "If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. "In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorised dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. "In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality health problem in the area It is the bears. They are actually defecating in our woods. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump! "Ryan DeVries and the Dam Beavers." That's it. Damn the torpedoes!

 

Cachaca

 

MY OLD SHIPMATE Peter Gardner tells me that Brazil's national rum drink – a noted thirst quencher and blood/alcohol level stabiliser – is known as Cachaca, not Cachala as I had it the other day.

 

So does James Browne who says the national drink is actually Caiparinha, of which Cachaca is the principal ingredient. In fact it's the only liquid ingredient, the others being lime quarters, sugar and crushed ice.

 

Muitas apologias senhores. I was distracted at the time by a senhorina performing the samba.

 

 

 

Tailpiece   THE DEPARTMENT of Labour is investigating working conditions on a De Doorns grape farm, in the Western Cape. Department agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Farmer: "Well, there's my farmhand who's been with me for 30 years. I pay him R1 400 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours a day, seven days a week and does about 90 percent of all the work. He makes about R100 a week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of brandy every Saturday night so he can cope with life." Department agent: "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the mentally challenged one." Farmer: "That would be me."

Last word

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.

P G Wodehouse