The Idler, Thursday, March 8, 2012

Tough guy's tears

THE EYES of Tsar Vladimir Putin streamed with tears this week as he acknowledged the cheers of the loyal Muscovites. But his handlers were quick to point out that the tears were caused by the icy winds.

It would not do for the Kremlin tough guy to come across as some kind of mimsy sentimentalist. This is the macho action man who rides horses bare-chested, pilots aeroplanes, scuba dives, darts whales and rides Harley-Davidsons.

Many, including European observers, are critical of the quality of the election that brought Putin a third term as president (having spent one term marking time as prime minister). They are probably right.

But when you think of what went before, Russia is surely moving, however haphazardly, in the right direction. Interviewed on British TV, the publisher of a liberal Russian newspaper was pragmatic. Let's see if Putin follows through with the reforms he's promised, he advised viewers.

Quite so. Not all that long ago, such a liberal individual would have been either in the work gangs of Siberia or he would have been liquidated, shot behind the ear in the Lubyanka prison. Let's acknowledge progress.

Anyone who can sing Blueberry Hill the way Putin did when an American jazz group visited Moscow has something going for him. Can you imagine anything of the kind from his ghastly predecessors (Gorbachev and Yeltsin excepted)? It's halting and it's uncertain, but it is progress.

Paper tree

KEN CRICHTON of Kloof, has launched into verse as the result of a garden incident. He says he was looking after a house for a friend recently and his girlfriend would walk the two cats in the garden every evening and pick bark from what she called a paper tree.

Then one night the tree fell down. It prompted the following:

She used to pick the poor tree's bark

'Til one night it fell down in the dark,

Setting off the house alarm,

Shattering the peace and calm.

So the moral of this tale

Which caused the perennial to wail:

Don't pick bark from a tree,

Just walk on by and leave it be.

 

More ciggie nostalgia

MORE nostalgia for the gwaai of yesteryear. Reader Peter Wallis, of Howick, says both his father and his uncle were heavy smokers of Springbok cigarettes, which came in boxes of 50 and were shorter than today's king-size but slightly thicker. The only oval cigarettes he could think of were Commando.

Ken Dubber, of Umbilo, says he grew up in the then Northern Rhodesia (today's Zambia) and for as long as he can remember his dad smoked C to C (Cape to Cairo). In his twenties he himself smoked C to C and Gold Leaf, which were from Rhodesia (Zimbabwe) and made from the finest Virginia tobacco, for which overseas buyers bid fiercely at the auctions.

From 1946 to the 1950s, C to C cost half-a-crown (25 cents) for 50.

Headmaster extraordinaire

MEANWHILE, reader Trevor Kroon identifies the Graaff Reinet headmaster who Chris Knaggs (as related last week) caught smoking, against the orders of his doctor and his wife. Herbie Arnott was a headmaster extraordinaire, says Trevor.

"Union High stands proud for the calibre of men and women that reflect the insight and labours of a multifaceted gentleman and scholar."

The Originals

A WELSH rugby club are planning to sell an antique New Zealand rugby jersey from their trophy cabinet, to keep afloat financially.

It dates from the first New Zealand tour of Britain in 1905, when the side were known not as the All Blacks but "The Originals". It has been valued at £10 000.

Tycroes Rugby Club, in Carmarthenshire, say it's like selling off the family silver but they have no option.

The jersey is in black and white, upper and lower, not unlike the pattern in today's Super Rugby.

It's a pity there's no pink, otherwise the Bulls might have been interested.

Maths tip

ALCOHOL and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
 

Tailpiece

She: "There's trouble with the car. It's got water in the carburettor."
He: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
She: "I tell you, the car's got water in the carburettor."
He: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where is the car?"
She: "In the pool."

 

Last word

A DOOR is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. – Ogden Nash