Too wildly improbable
YOU COULDN'T make it up. The Leveson inquiry into the values and ethics of the British press hears increasingly embarrassing evidence about the world of the red-top tabloids. Arrests are made in connection with phone-hacking and alleged bribery of figures in the London Metropolitan Police, including Rebekah Brooks, once editor of the Sun and the now defunct News of the World; later chief executive of Rupert Murdoch's News International.
Then it transpires that the Metropolitan Police lent Rebekah one of their horses – a mount named Raisa – for two years.
It further transpires that Prime Minister David Cameron, who is a long-standing friend of Rebekah and her husband, himself on occasion rode Raisa on jolly jaunts in the countryside.
At this point the story would be rejected as a soap opera script because it is too wildly improbable. Satirical magazine Private Eye features it as a review of a film titled Phwoar Horse.
"Tear-jerking new film about the life of police horse Bung, who falls into the hands of cruel, flame-haired Rebekah and is taken into the heart of the circulation war where millions are lost on a daily basis.
"Riding into the fray, Bung endures the mudslinging, the sniping and the appalling battles in an afternoon of carnage.
"Don't miss the popular charge scene where Rebekah is charged following a dawn raid and accused of taking Bung. You will laugh, you will cry with laughter as Phwoar Horse brilliantly recreates the insane decisions of the idiot high command fighting to regain a tiny patch of land from the Daily Mirror.
"In the end poor Bung is lent to dashing Old Etonian Captain Cameron, who promises to look after the horse but instead returns Bung in a shocking condition, cut to pieces and half strangled with red tape, fit only to be sent to the Inspector Knacker's Yard, from where he originally came.
"But in a surprise happy ending Bung leaps over the barbed wire at Wapping and escapes to see out his days giving evidence to the Leveson inquiry."
"* Nominated for 10 convictions and lots of Laftas (That is enough. Ed)
"* The producers would like to assure the public that no celebrities were hurt in the making of this film, though Steve Coogan felt a bit upset (I said that's enough, Ed)"
Lovely stuff!
Gobbledegook
HAS SPORT been taken over completely by commercial gobbledegook? What used to be rugby unions are now apparently "franchises", as if it were something to do with fast food. Now cricket is not a game but a "brand".
To quote South African captain Graeme Smith, speaking in New Zealand: "We're really trying to focus on maintaining the Proteas brand. Obviously, getting a result is an important part of that. We hope that we can strengthen the brand through our own ability to play well on tour and give the fans something to really be supportive about."
What on earth does Smith mean? Is cricket really a brand like Rice Krispies or Jungle Oats or is it a game where players set out to win, pleasing and entertaining their supporters in the process?
Hear, hear!
MY OLD PAL Tom Dennen lends spirited support to last week's piece about the curmudgeons who would deny ageing Orientals their jollies by preventing perfectly acceptable rhino culling – "they shoot lions, elephants and other pushy species, don't they?"
"Also those who would malign a benevolent government with odious accusations of obfuscation and evasion; hide and seek with piddly things like facts.
"They must all be relegated to the pages of obscurity - let history continue to be written by the winners at the poker table of life!"
Tom says the whiners are as bad as that Golden Sacks Fulla Money fellow who seems to think honesty in financial matters wasn't already dealt with as far back as the Old Testament. "The ancient curse of usury comes to mind although we are way beyond that with toxic mortgage-backed derivatives and credit default swaps – I'll trade my deadbeats for yours any day!
"Accept the world as it is – take the other guy for all he's worth and to hell with tomorrow!"
Tailpiece
"EYE of potato … ear of corn … head of lettuce …"
It's those vegan witches again.
Last word
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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