Seduction and debauchery
BOSMAN comes to the Berea. Meanwhile, the literati are in a fever of speculation as to what cats are going to be let out of which bags at St Clement's on Monday when Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe, raconteur and rugby personality) again brings the Bosman idiom to this weekly soiree.
Last Monday we had readings from Dylan Thomas, after which Pat got up and gave the briefest of previews of what is in store next week: The Airline That Never Flew (a story I've heard before – and it's a hoot!); plus – and here he was most enigmatic – tales of seduction and debauchery.
There's a frisson of nervousness. Is Pat sticking to his normal milieu of the bushveld and the rural dorps? Or has he shifted attention to the Berea?
Watch this space!
Schoolboy smoking
REMINISCENCES of schoolboy smoking continue to come in.
Bill Hobbs, of Pinetown, was at school in Johannesburg in the 40s, where the favourite fag was Viceroy – if you could afford it. Most of the time they made do with Polikanski – oval in shape.
"In the 50s I was onto Springboks which cost 2/6 (25 cents) for 50. These spluttered and crackled if you held one near your ear, a bit like a dynamite fuse. Later came something milder, Max: "Men of the World Smoke Max".
"As a boy, collecting cigarette cards was a huge craze. There was a card to be found in a box of just about every brand on the market. There were series such as 'Fauna and Flora', 'Speed through the Ages' and so on. The idea was to make swaps so you had one of each in the series so you could fill the album that the tobacco company supplied. These would be worth a mint today."
Meanwhile, how many schoolboys have caught their headmaster smoking? Chris Knaggs, of North Beach, was at school in Graaff Reinet, in the Karoo, in the late 60s. He and a friend were having a cigarette sitting on a warm, encased water pipe in what he calls the "donkey room" about 5am, when in walked the headmaster and himself lit up a cigarette.
"We were stunned and as he walked around he saw us and said: 'Damn! If you buggers tell my wife about this, I'll ring your bloody necks! Carry on, but please go down to the first terrace in case someone else sees us."
It turned out his doctor had just ordered him to give up smoking and his wife had threatened all sorts of mayhem if he didn't.
Think twice!
WHEN you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth - think of algebra!
Ju-ju's next move?
AN ENTIRE village in France is for sale for the equivalent of R3.8 million, according to this news item. The hamlet of Courbefy has 19 buildings including houses and a village hall, a swimming pool, stables and tennis courts.
The village, in the Limousin region, stands deserted since a slump in farming.
It sounds just the place for Comrade Julius and his friends to set up a government in exile.
Tailpiece
AN AUSTRALIAN ventriloquist is in New Zealand. He sees a villager on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist:"'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
The Kiwi is shocked.
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
The Kiwi is shaken.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
The Kiwi is dumbfounded.
Ventriloquist:"'Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Ventriloquist:" How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.''
The Kiwi is totally amazed.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi (in a rising panic): "That sheep's a bloody liar!"
Last word
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
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