Thursday, March 2, 2017

Thye Idler, Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Most-loved phone in history


NOKIA has relaunched its 3310 cellphone, described as the most-loved phone in history. It's small, it has fantastic battery life and it sends and receives phone calls as well as text messages. That's exactly what you want, none of this smartphone gadgetry that takes over your life. No e-mails, no Facebook, no Whatsapp, no nuttink. It doesn't even have a camera. The 3310 is the high point of digital whiz.


As it happens I have a Nokia. It looks like a 3310 but I'm not sure. Perhaps the faded Arabic lettering on it would tell me, if I were able to read it. Yes, I bought it in the Middle East, yonks ago. However, this is a Nokia with a difference.


As some readers might recall my mentioning, it has a little handle that fits into the same hole that takes the charger. One very long crank gets you the Nkandla exchange. Three shorts and two longs gets you the Nkandla Bar. Two shorts and three longs gets you another establishment on the banks of the Tugela that's been in the news lately. You find yourself on the party line listening to fascinating conversations with the likes of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.


There's a lot to be said for the party line. Also for the Nkandla Bar, where the counter is a rough slab of quartz taken from the gold mine in the Nkandla forest. In the old days when there was a celebration the barman would pour a bottle of whisky onto the slab, a miner stationed at the end of each runnel to collect his share.


Vive la Nokia 3310! Vive la party line! Vive la Nkandla Bar!


Mystic City


THERE'S something decidedly mystic about Leicester City. Last season they won the English Premier League, bucking odds of 5 000 to one against.


Many associated this with the fact that the remains of Richard III – discovered where he had fallen in the Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485, in the last of the Wars of the Roses – had been interred in Leicester Cathedral after a bit of a wrestle with Westminster Abbey, which claims to be the legitimate resting place of all English monarchs. After that Leicester City just couldn't lose a game.


But this season it's been a different story. They just couldn't win a game. Until the other night, that is, when they trashed Liverpool 3-1 absolutely looking the part, true champions.


They've just fired the coach who took them to victory last year. But who's taken over? Why, a fellow called Shakespeare. Okay, his name's Craig, not William, but is this not uncanny happenstance?


"A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!"


What Shakespeare play does that famous line come from? Why, Richard III of course. Are the mystic forces at work again? There's more to football than meets the eye.




JUST what was going on in that Six Nations match between England and Italy? The Italians declined to join the rucks, just wafting about across the gain line. Not offside because no ruck had been formed, but getting in the way of the England scrumhalf. And apparently breaking no law of rugby.


Coach Eddie Jones was spitting mad. The spectators should be refunded what they'd paid for their tickets, he said. They came to watch rugby, not this nonsense.


Or perhaps their tickets could be made interchangeable with performances of Swan Lake?




OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "My girlfriend told me to be more affectionate. So now I've got two girlfriends."


Pulled over


READER Mark Gallagher tells of an encounter with the fuzz.


"I was pulled over. The cop said: 'Papers'.

"I said:'"Scissors.'

"I'd won, so I drove off.

"He must be desperate for a rematch … he's chased me for 20km."






"Mummy, where do babies come from?" asks the little girl.

"The stork, dear??

"Mummy, who stops bad people robbing out house?"

"The police, dear."

"Mummy, if the house catches fire, who rescues us?"

"The firemen, dear."

"Mummy, where does our food come from?"

"The farmers, dear."

"Mummy, what do we need Daddy for?"



Last word


Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.

Peter York

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