Saturday, March 11, 2017

The Idler, Friday, March 10, 2017

Dramatic incident in retirement centre


DRAMA in a Durban retirement centre. One of the residents didn't turn up for breakfast in the cafeteria so one of his tablemates went upstairs and knocked on his door.


She could hear him moving about inside. She called out to him and he replied that we was running late and would be down soon. So she went back downstairs.


Half an hour later he still hadn't arrived. She went back to his room but met him coming down the stairs. He seemed in a terrible state, clinging to the handrail, his legs not functioning properly.


"I'll call an ambulance."


"No, I'm fine. I just want to get my breakfast."


So she helped him to the dining area. Once he'd settled in his chair he seemed fine and he ate heartily. But when he tried to get up he was staggering and couldn't even get up the first stair. At this they did call an ambulance. The crew whisked him away on a stretcher.


She phoned the hospital to find out what was wrong, how he was doing.


"Oh, he's fine," said the ward sister. "They'll be taking him home right now."


"What was the problem?"


"He just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts."



Beach buggy

LATELY we've been discussing exploits with cars on beaches and stairways. My old pal Gregor Woods tells of an incident on the mudflats of Durban harbour.

"I recall a scary incident during the late 1960s when the beach buggy made its debut. This was just a fibreglass ashtray on a VW beetle chassis with exposed engine and 'fat takkies', but they skimmed over sand, barely leaving tracks.

"Back then, Durban bay was being cleared of mangrove swamps on the Bluff side. This left large, flat expanses of dried muddy sand exposed at low tide. I was running a business on the Bluff. My pal arrived to show me his new beach buggy, so we nipped down to the bay to give it a whirl.

"We were tearing around on the flats when the buggy suddenly went in, stuck up to its axles. I got out to push, but sank up to my knees in mud. We trudged over to the mangrove stacks and dragged big branches back, laying a platform to stand on so that we could lift and shove without sinking.

"In no time the branches were disappearing below the surface under our weight. To our alarm we realised these areas simply liquified as the tide came in. By now the buggy was 'floating' on its fibreglass bowl and we envisioned it going to the bottom -- uninsured - to be forever entombed in mud.

"Meanwhile, a Natal Parks Board fisheries officer had been watching us through binoculars, thinking we might be illegally catching cracker shrimps for grunter bait. To our great relief, he arrived on the scene.

"Having parked his Land Rover on terra firma, he dragged our buggy out with a long rope, all the while reciting the various laws we'd broken. He let us off with a warning. We made a mental note never to try taking cracker shrimps."

Yes, they can be a pest, those shad sheriffs, with their binoculars and things but they're basically good-hearted blokes.

Big game

A GAME we should have won, a game we did win and tomorrow night a game we damn well must win.

We started well, we've improved and now's the chance to set Kings Park alight against the New South Wales Waratahs.

They'll be in desperation mode after taking a hammering from the Lions. This will be a humdinger. One senses that a great season lies ahead. The Sharks have a depth and balance this year, a tigerish defence and some inspired coaching.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego! See you in the Duikers' afterwards for some Cossack dancing on the bar counter! The home season begins!



A SNAIL is crossing the road. As he gets to the other side, a turtle runs him over. The paramedics take him to hospital unconscious. Then he comes round.

"What happened?" the doctors ask.

"I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Last word

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

Doug Larson

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