The Idler, Monday, March 13, 2017

Drama at Kings Park, Twickers HEY, what drama on the rugby fields. The Sharks absolutely on a roll against New South Wales. The Poms can't be caught in the Six Nations. They've won the Calcutta Cup against Scotland. If they win next week against Ireland, they've won the Triple Crown plus they'll have overtaken New Zealand's record of 18 Test wins in a row. And they'll have the Six Nations Grand Slam. Not bad for a bunch who didn't make it to the quarter-finals in the last World Cup. (Though a small bet on Ireland at home would not be a bad idea. A small one, mind you.) Poor old Scotland. They'd been doing so well up to now. But 'twas not to be. Och, dinnae fash! And back to Super Rugby. The Lions took a drilling from the Jaguares in Argentina. This is heartbreaking, heh, heh! The Sharks are on a mission. Their game is coming together splendidly. Fifteen-man rugby. Awesome tackling. Bring on the dancing girls! (The way we did in the Duikers' afterwards). Bank letter A LETTER comes this way, written by an 86-year-old woman in America to her bank. The manager found it amusing and had it published in the New York Times.   "Dear Sir: "I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. "By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the checque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.. "I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only 18 years. "You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. "My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. "From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. "My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. "Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. "Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. "I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. "Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. "In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. "I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. When you call me, press buttons as follows: Immediately after calling, press the Star (*) button for English. Then: #1. To make an appointment to see me; #2. To query a missing payment;.#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home; #7. To leave a message on my computer  .#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options; #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. "Your Humble Client."   Tailpiece "Care for a game of darts?" "Okay." "Closest to the bull starts." "Ba-a-a-a!!" "Mo-o-o-o!" "You're closest. You start." Last word Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. Dorothy Parker