Thursday, March 2, 2017

The Idler, Wednesday, February 15

Some stunning sociology




WE CAN learn a lot from sociological surveys - the dynamics of society, the belief systems and attitudes of a rising generation. One such survey comes this way from the US, where a series of questions was put to Second Grade schoolchildren. The answers are most revealing about the nuclear family, which is the basis of society in most parts of the world.


·       Why did God make mothers?

1)  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2) Mostly to clean the house. 3) To help us out of there when we were getting born.

·       How did God make mothers?

1)  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2) Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3) God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

·       What ingredients are mothers made of?

1)  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2) They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly used string, I think.

·       Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1) We're related. 2) God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

·       What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1) My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2) I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3) They say she used to be nice.

·       What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1) His last name. 2) She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3) Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

·       Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2) She got too old to do anything else with him. 3) My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

·       Who's the boss at your house?

1) Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2) Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3) I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

·       What's the difference between moms and dads?

1) Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work. 2) Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3) Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cos that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends. 4) Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

·       What does your mom do in her spare time?

1) Mothers don't do spare time. 2) To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

·       What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1) On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2) Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

·       If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1)   She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2) I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me. 3) I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.


Shakespeare notes


OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: If you cloned Henry IV would he be Henry V or Henry IV Part II?"





PADDY finds a sandwich with two wires sticking' out of it.

He phones the police: "I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."


"Is it tickin'?"


"No, Oi tink it's beef."


Last word


Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.

Oscar Wilde


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