Sunday, January 6, 2019

The Idler, Friday, January 4, 2019


crime in



WHAT do you do when you come home and find a stranger sitting in an easy chair in front of your TV, wearing some of your clothes and chowing food from your pantry after he's taken a shower in your bathroom?

Do you think in terms of baseball bats, horsewhips, Colt 45s and the police emergency number? Or do you try to humour the guy?

A householder in the American state of Maine found exactly that as he arrived home, according to Huffington Post.

But the intruder said it was all a big mistake. He'd mistaken the house for his friend's house.

Then he asked the householder to drive him home to another address.

The householder thought the scenario unusual but plausible, so he agreed to drive the man to the address given, just to get him out of his home.

When he returned, he found that his back door had been forced open, the house had been ransacked and various items were missing.

Over to the Maine State Police. It emerged that the intruder had stolen a vehicle in Portland and run out of gas in Hollis.

He then stole another vehicle and drove until he crashed it in the woods. From there he walked until he reached the complainant's home, where he broke in through the back door, had a bite to eat and watched a little television before being confronted by the complainant.

By the time he is arraigned in court, he will no doubt have pickpocketed the county jailer and stolen the toothbrush of his cellmate. Crime in Maine seems to conduct itself as a domino effect.


MORE linguistic twists supplied by reader Eric Hodgson:

·       Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

·       Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

·       I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

·       Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

·       Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

·       I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.

·       The patron saint of poverty is St Nickeless.

·       What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

·       Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

·       My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

·       What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.

·       A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

·       There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

·       How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.




FOOTAGE of an artificial intelligence robot that Russian state television used as an example of the country's technological prowess has been exposed as a man wearing a robot suit.

The Rossiya 24 news channel broadcast footage of what it presented as Boris the dancing, singing robot at a technology forum for school pupils, according to Sky News.

But viewers spotted human-like movements and other discrepancies - and discovered Boris was in fact a human wearing a robot costume sold by a Russian company.

So that's what the evil clowns of Russia's GRU are doing these days, having botched the poisonings in Salisbury, England.


BEFORE you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way when you criticise him you're a mile away. Also, you've got his shoes.

Last word

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Elvis Presley

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