'Stop Swearing' T-shirt
IN RUSSIA they're trying to discourage bad behaviour at football matches, as
they prepare to host the World Cup in 2018. Crowd behaviour is an issue and
EUFA sometimes insist that Russian clubs play before empty stadiums.
Part of the campaign is a "Stop Swearing" T-shirt that urges fans to behave.
Apparently the language on the terraces is somewhat pungent and inflammatory.
The "Stop Swearing" T-shirt was launched at a news conference. But
unfortunately there was a bit of a glitch and Sergei Cheban, chief executive of
the Russian Premier League, found it necessary to say to Sergey Alekseyev,
head of public relations: "Where's the *$^#ing T-shirt, the Stop Swearing one,
which I asked about? *$^#ing hell, you are going *$^#ing slowly!"
Just as unfortunately, the microphones in front of him picked up the entire thing
and a video of the incident has been leaked to the internet, where it has gone
viral.
Mr Cheban stressed at the conference that "the Russian language allows us
to express colourfully all our emotions", but in a later newspaper interview he
deplored the leaking of the footage. He said he "sometimes swears, but very
rarely".
Yes, we should make allowances. When some dumbcluck *$^#s up with the Stop
Swearing T-shirt, you're entitled to get exasperated and say: "Drat!" Or something
like it.
Oiks
MEANWHILE, the feudal system is alive and kicking in dear old Blighty, with rants
just as colourful as that of the chief executive of the Russian Premier League.
It's not too long since a senior Tory was found to have referred to the police looking
after security at 10 Downing Street as "plebs" – with a colourful adverb attached .
Now another Tory grandee is in the news.
Legal QC and former cabinet minister David Mellor – these days a radio show co-host
– has had a furious run-in with a cabbie over the route chosen as he was driven from
Buckingham Palace to his Thames-side home at St Katharine Docks.
Mellor was with his live-in ladyfriend Viscountess Cobham, who had just received
the CBE from Prince Charles for her services to promoting tourism. It was during 6
o'çlock in the evening rush hour,
As Mellor exploded with rage, producing a string of expletives that would be the envy
of the foc'sle of a pirate ship (or the chief executive of the Russian Premier League),
the cabbie switched on a tape recorder. Next thing Mellor's colourful vocabulary was
all over the pages of the tabloid press. And the cabbies are threatening to bar him in
future from all their cars.
Was Mellor squiffy? But at that early hour? And do they serve the strong stuff at
CBE investitures at Buckingham Palace? One wouldn't imagine so. Or was Mellors
fortified before he arrived for the investiture?
Maybe he just can't stand those irritating little oiks.
Game language
HEY, doesn't that name ring a bell? The gamekeeper in Lady Chatterley's Lover – he
also had a ripe expression or two.
But no, that was Mellors, with an "s". And Mellors didn't lose his temper, not once,
though his language was most colourful.
Bigamy
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "A bigamist is a man who
leads a double wife."
Court record
MORE from the American courts:
• Attorney: "This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Attorney: "You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?"
• Attorney: " Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?"
Witness: "Did you actually pass the Bar exam?"
• Attorney: "The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how
old is he?"
Witness: ""He's 20, much like your IQ."
• Attorney: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "How many were boys?
Witness: "None."
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: "Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?"
Tailpiece
PUNTER: "For Christmas I want a dragon."
Santa: "Be realistic."
Punter: "Okay, a loyal girlfriend."
Santa: "What colour dragon do you want?"
Last word
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands
explained.
Mark Twain
No comments:
Post a Comment