Rugby's funny faces
THE TV cameramen are having a lot of fun these days, zooming in on the gurning features of rugby coaches as they sit there in their box, the tension getting at them.
Currently ahead by far in the entertainment stakes is Springbok coach Heyneke Meyer, who looks perpetually as if the Gorgon of Greek fable has just offered him a kiss. (And who is he yelling at down the telephone, by the way? The players can't hear him, and he surely can't be talking to the bookies).
But Meyer has competition. Lions coach Johan Ackermann presents a constant look of a bleakness suggestive of gamma rays and lasers as he contemplates what is happening before him. I'd hate to see him when things are going badly.
But neither has caught up yet with our own Ian McIntosh. For facial contortions and pop-eyed near-apoplexy in the days he coached Natal, then the Boks, he's still way ahead. The New Zealand cameramen in particular used to focus on Mac almost as much as on the game.
Golf book
A NEW HANDBOOK on golf will soon be on sale, according to an excitable pre-launch blurb that has come through cyberspace from an unidentified author.
Highlights include:
· How to properly line up your fourth putt.
· How to hit a Maxfli ball from the rough when you just hit a Titleist from the tee.
· How to get more distance off the shank .
· How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water
· How to relax when you're hitting three off the tee.
· How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
Yes, this is a man who's played some golf.
Childline gig
MY OLD MUSICIAN pal, Smelly Fellows, has got together with some of his fellow-musos to raise funds for Childline which, as reported, is in dire straits.
They're putting on a gig at LIVE, 166 Stamford Hill Road, starting at 2pm this Saturday. LIVE'S management have made the venue available, along with all the necessary equipment and sound engineering staff. LIVE holds about 300 people.
Performers will be Salty Dog, Sir Walrus Band, F 'n Rits, Zwarte Piet Band, East Coast Basement Blues Band, Gainsford and Bobby and The Dynamites – all playing free of charge.
Comedian, actor, raconteur and radio personality Frank Graham will assist as Master of Ceremonies..
The entrance fee is R50 per person. The musos also want to stage raffles and have appealed to Durban businesses to donate whatever they can for prizes – products, gift hampers, gift vouchers and so forth. They can be contacted at 078-2649475 and will collect donations.
Come on, Durban – let's let rip!
Tailpiece
A FARMER leaves his truck at the local mechanic's. The farm is not far from the village so he starts walking.
On his way he stops at the hardware store and buys a bucket and a can of paint. He stops at the livestock store and picks up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now has a problem - how to carry his purchases home.
He's approached by a little old lady who tells him she is lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
"Well, my farm is very close to that house. I'd walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
"Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Why, thank you very much." He proceeds to walk the old girl home. On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut down this alley."
She looks at him cautiously. "I'm a lonely widow. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull my skirt up and have your way with me?"
"Holy smoke, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a can of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
"Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Last word
Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
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