Practical philosophy
THERE was this seminar on stress. A young lady confidently walked around the room with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question: Half empty or half full?
But she foxed them all. "How heavy is this glass of water?" A range of answers came.
She replied: "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. That's the way it is with stress."
Then weighed in with some practical philosophy:
· Accept that some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.
· Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
· Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
· Drive carefully ... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
· If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
· If you lend someone R200 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
· It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
· Never buy a car you can't push.
· Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
· Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
· Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
· The second mouse gets the cheese.
· When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
· Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
· Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
· We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.
· A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
· Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
· Save the earth … it's the only planet with chocolate.*
I like her philosophy.
That gig
WHOOPS, a snafu! The benefit gig for Childline is not tomorrow, as stated in Wednesday's column, but in a month's time on Saturday, October 26, at LIVE, in Stamford Hill Road.
Muchas apologias! Tomorrow did seem like cutting it a little fine. No matter, that gives Durban a month to get its act together to raise funds for Childline, which is in dire straits.
The musos are pooling their talent for free. The city's businesses will no doubt come to the party with prizes for the raffles they hope to intersperse with the music. All we need is for the folk to pitch and have fun.
Come on, Durban – asha mazambana! (As they say in the classics). I will keep you informed.
Mary Methodist
AN ELDERLY Maritzburg lady known as "Mary Methodist" – real name Swanepoel – got the name because she played the organ for 25 years in the Methodist Church in Harrismith, in the Free State.
The other day she and hubby went off to watch rugby at a neighbour's in Hayfields. Next day Mary couldn't find her handbag anywhere. Eventually the penny dropped and she went back to the neighbour's. There the handbag was, where she had placed it beside the gate as they fumbled in the dark to let themselves out.
It was a busy road and nobody had touched the handbag. You get your reward for playing the organ in the Methodist Church for 25 years.
Tailpiece
HOW do you know it's an Irishman at the cockfight?
He enters a duck.
How do you know it's a Pole at the cockfight?
He bets on the duck.
How do you know it's an Italian at the cockfight?
The duck wins.
Last word
Both the cockroach and the bird would get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.
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