Singin' the Blues …
THE BLUES … it's difficult to define this musical form, to articulate its mournful attraction, its evocation of time and place. However, reader Eric Hodgson supplies a wonderful distillation. Jes' pour yourself a glass of bourbon an' read on …
· Most Blues begin: "Woke up this mornin' ..."
· "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like:"I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
· The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound."
· The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
· Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a south-bound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
· Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
· Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
· Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
· A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chompin' on it is.
· You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
· Good places for the Blues: highway; jailhouse; empty bed; bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places: Ashrams; gallery openings; Ivy League gatherings; golf courses.
· No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.
· Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: You're older than dirt; you're blind; you shot a man in Memphis; you can't be satisfied. No, if: You have all your teeth; you were once blind but now can see; the man in Memphis lived; you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
· If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: Wine; whiskey or bourbon; muddy water; black coffee.
· If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, drug abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
· Some Blues names for women: Sadie; Big Mama; Bessie; Fat River Dumpling.
· Some Blues names for men: Joe; Willie; Little Willie; Big Willie. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
· Make your own Blues name (starter kit): Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame …); first name (see above); plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi …); plus last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore ...). Hence: Blind Lime Jefferson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore …
· No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you can't sing the Blues. You'd best destroy it. Do it with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog or get out a shotgun, it don't matter. Jes do it!
Tailpiece
I'M READING a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Last word
All television is children's television.
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