Clampdown on skateboarders SKATEBOARDERS in Los Angeles are to be banned from going faster than 40 km/h as the city tries to stop the fad of "bombing" – darting downhill at high speed and weaving in and out of traffic. Forty kays an hour? Do our skateboarders achieve anything like that? Certainly not on the beachfront. I haven't noticed them active on steep hills like Marriott Road (or whatever they call it these days). But let's not give the skateboarders ideas. They might take up "skittles" – seeing how many holidaymakers you can knock down in a run. A gentleman IN DAYS of yore a sign used to stand at the top of West Street, in Maritzburg, a thoroughfare possibly even steeper than Marriott Road in Durban. It led straight down to the Umsinduzi River. At the top was a pub called the Black Horse and outside was a somewhat superfluous sign: "This hill is dangerous to rickshas." Yet this did not deter an intrepid headmaster of Maritzburg College. He used to take a few snorts in the Black Horse then take a ricksha down the hill, the puller high between the shafts as they whizzed over the Duzi bridge. This was during the Boer War. The school had been commandeered by the military to be a hospital. Once, the story goes, the headmaster was challenged at the gates by a sentry. He reached into his pocket and produced a sheaf of papers to identify himself. The sentry stepped back and presented arms. The papers were all liquor bills. This clearly was a gentleman of substance. Tourism opportunity COME to think of it, why don't the tourism people set up a downhill race between rickshas and skateboards? It could be spectacular and for sheer nuttiness it would go well with the Comrades and the Canoe Marathon. Turkey shoot OVERHEARD in the La Bella Street Shelter for the Over-40s: "I shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!" More blood sports IN BRITAIN, Defence Secretary Liam Fox has had to walk the plank. Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt is under huge pressure, as a result of the Leveson inquiry into the media. Satirical magazine Private Eye links it to the Tories' predilection for blood sports. MPs Charles Cockfight and Nigel Harecourse are quoted: "There are at least 100 Conservative MPs that have faintly amusing surnames related to inhumane animal practices," says Harecourse. "What chance do I, Jeremy or my friend and colleague Gregory Badgergasser have for promotion now?" Lovely stuff! Return of post AN AMERICAN student writes to his father: Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply Can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Joe.
The father replies:
Dear Joe,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad Tailpiece THREE gals are having drinks. One is single, one engaged one married. Single girl: "Last Friday after work I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When the others people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. We made passionate love then and there!"
Engaged girl: "That's pretty much my story. Last Friday my fiance found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on we made passionate love and he wants to move up our wedding date!"
Married woman: "I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long, scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. Final touch was a black mask. When he got home from work he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled: 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'" |
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