The Idler, Friday, April 12, 2019

Humdinger

lies ahead

tomorrow

CAN THE Sharks turn it on again? There's no reason why not. There was nothing flukey or haphazard about last Friday's performance against the Lions, it was just a matter of sticking to the basics and doing them really well, with flair and for 80 minutes.

The driving, the short-passing, the off-loads, the linking with the backline – magic stuff!

The Jaguares are tough hombres. They'll have studied the video over and over, they'll be running at us and tackling like demons. And they never give up, as the Bulls found to their cost last weekend.

This promises to be a spectacle. A 3pm match – who could miss it? Are rugby's glory days returning? Will the stands now have something more than a smattering of spectators?

Curwin Bosch and the rest of the backline flyers – let's see it again, let's get the show on the road.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

Black hole

THIS is real drama though we don't really understand it. The first-ever picture of a black hole in outer space has been revealed, assembled by data from eight radio telescopes in different parts of the world. It shows a fiery orange and black ring of gravity-twisted light swirling around the edge of the abyss.

Beautiful, terrifying. In shape it could be the lips of a heavily-lipsticked singer, caught in the spotlight of a dark nightclub. But that mouth drags in and swallows everything – even light has to bend to its gravitational pull. The black hole has 6.5 billion times more mass than the sun.

Man takes one more giant step toward realising how little he knows.

But at least it seems the photo supports Einstein's theory of relativity. There's no hubbub of argument. That would be just too much.

The more science progresses, the greater the mystery of existence.

Twin trouble

A PAIR of identical twins in central Brazil have been ordered by a judge to pay child support for a baby girl who resulted from a casual fling with the mother.

The woman is not certain which twin is the dad. The twins themselves won't say. (Maybe they don't know).

Judge Filipe Luis Peruca ordered the brothers, identified only as Fabricio and Fernando, to take DNA tests, according to Huffington Post. Both tests came back positive.

The judge said the two men were taking away the child's right to know her real father. He ordered each twin to pay $60 (R835) a month toward child support, which is 30% of the Brazilian minimum wage. But it does mean the child will get double what other kids from that socio-economic background are getting.

Judge Peruca also ruled that the names of both men will appear on the girl's birth certificate.

A most unusual case of twins in the family.

Cat names

CATS can recognise their names, Japanese scientists say, after some prolonged research.

Many would dispute that. They don't get excited the way dogs do when they hear their name.

But then you have to recognise that cats are not dogs. They are superior to their so-called owners. Why should they get excited?

My favourite cat name: Pssssswsssssswsssss.

Tailpiece

A CANDIDATE is being examined for admission to a leading medical school.

"Tell me," says the examiner. "Where do you expect to be 10 years from now?"

"It's Friday. On the golf course I guess."

Last word

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

George Bernard Shaw

 

The Idler, Thursday, April 11, 2019

No moustache

behind

the glass

 

I FIND myself the other evening at the HQ of the Natal Mounted Rifles. The pipers are playing. There are many bemedalled ladies and gents, officers and other ranks, representing the different arms of service.

I am puzzled to note that some of the insignia of the navy has changed since my days before the mast. I'm told that a fellow with the unfamiliar insignia is in fact a petty officer.

In my day a petty officer had crossed anchors on his sleeve, no mistaking it. A chief petty officer had three brass buttons on the sleeve, there to stop the midshipman (the most junior officer) wiping his nose on it. Midshipmen were considered snotty-nosed little boys and to this day are called "snotties". I think.

But this is by the by. I am there for the official opening of the NMR Museum, a marvellous display superbly mounted in glass cabinets, capturing the history of the regiment since its origins in 1854 – the early colonial days, the Boer War, World War I, World War II and beyond. Also the regimental silver, which is extensive. Somebody put a lot of work into this.

I am momentarily startled to encounter behind the glass a tall, cleanshaven figure in cavalry blues. Has Colonel Pat Acutt (the regiment's former OC) shaved off his famous moustache? But no, this is a mannequin figure. Pat is also there, medals, moustache and all.

I'm intrigued by a public notice from World War I: "Warning. Looting! Looting of premises damaged or vacated by reason of war is punishable by death or lifetime imprisonment."

Does this have a resonance today? A luta continhua!

 

 

Speedster

 

KEITH Brodie, Vice-Commodore of Royal Natal Yacht Club, claims the KZN land speed record, supported by the Road Traffic Inspectorate.

"I received a speeding fine earlier this week alleging that I was trapped doing an average speed of 286km/h on my way back to Durban from the Midlands.

"It was so fast my vehicle does not even appear in the photo.

"I was wondering if this is not some form of speed record?"

It most certainly sounds like it, Keith. Wow, faster than the camera shutter! I've notified Guinness and I'm sure they'll be there to get the details when you appear in "R" court in Maritzburg.

Football poser

HOW, in football, do you score two goals without the opposition touching the ball?

Impossible? There's a kick-off by the opposition after you score?

You score just on half-time. It's your kick-off for the second half. You dribble your way through.

The Street Shelter for the Over-Forties is a mine of useful information.

 

Tailpiece

THIS fellow gets invited to the Humour Bar by a friend who is a regular there. Very pleasant, very jolly.

Then a chaps gets up and shouts: "Forty-four!" The place shrieks with laughter.

Another gets up and shouts: "Sixteen!" Agan they're rolling about.

"What is this?"

"Oh," says his friend wiping his eyes. "Everyone knows all the jokes. We've got them numbered. You have a try."

He gets up and shouts: "Eighty-eight!"

There's stunned silence for a second then an absolute paroxysm of laughter. They're paralytic. The barman wipes his eyes with his apron then shakes his hand. "Congratulations! It's a long time since we had a new one."

 

Last word

The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

The Idler, Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Cheese and

wine party

battleground

THIS is getting serious. The US is considering slapping tariffs on imports of cheese and wine from the European Union, according to the BBC. There's already a lot of bad blood over olives.

Tariffs levied on them by the US last year have already cost the Spanish olive-growing industry $27million (R379m) and reduced demand has greatly reduced the harvest of black olives.

Cheese, wine, olives – what's to become of cocktail parties in America?

Yes, we know President Trump favours hamburgers, hot dogs, French fries and lotsa ketchup for his White House rave-ups, but there still is a diplomatic round driven by cheese and wine plus olives.

And tariffs are a two-edged sword. The EU have already responded with tariffs on  bourbon whiskey (as have the Chinese), motorcycles and orange juice. And we're talking here about the Harley-Davidson (to shift the terrain from cocktail parties) the worldwide symbol of American can-do.

A preliminary list of other imports from the EU being considered by the US for tariffs includes:

§  Salmon fillets, fresh or chilled (Another cocktail party thing)

§  Lemons fresh or dried (To go with the ambassadorial G&T or to follow the tequila)

§  Virgin olive oil. (For the party salads)

Also (mystifyingly) "Wall clocks, not electrically operated, designed to operate over 47 hours without rewinding."

Cheese and wine parties to wind-up wall clocks. Is the developed world's traditional way of life under siege? Is Donald Trump determined to punish the effete intellectual classes with their subversively mocking cocktail party chatter?

Where does it end? Tariffs can indeed be a two-edged sword.

The wind-up wall clocks remain a mystery.

 

Canned skunk

 

DRUNK as a skunk? Animal control officers in Billerica, Massachusetts, in the US, found a skunk that had somehow got its head stuck in a discarded can of beer.

It was taken to a wildlife clinic, sedated and the can was removed. The skunk was then returned to the wild after a few days' recuperation from his ordeal, according to Huffington Post.

The animal officers posted a picture on Twitter of the trapped skunk, asking if this was a case of "skunked beer".

Skunked beer, it seems, has lost its flavour due to exposure to ultra-violet rays through green or clear glass bottles. Brown bottles keep out the rays altogether.

It seems the danger of skunked beer is negligible in these parts. Most brands are sold in brown bottles, a few in green and one in clear glass. But none of them last long enough to get skunked.

 

Zoology

WHOOPS! I don't know a Sunwolf from a Jaguare. On Monday I said the Sharks would be playing the Sunwolves on Saturday, while of course it's the Jaguares, the Argentinian Pumas lite.

Apologies. You need a degree in zoology to keep track of professional rugby these days, not to mention the confusion caused by Spiderman and Captain America.

 

Tailpiece

A CROWD is waiting for the bus. She's there in a tight skirt. As the bus draws up, she realises she'll never manage the step up. She reaches back and unzips the skirt a little. Ah, that's better.

Then a fellow grabs her from behind and lifts her onto the boarding platform.

"How dare you lay hands on me like that?" she hisses.

"Well, when you unzipped me I figured we wuz old friends."

Last word

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.

Oscar Wilde

 

 

The Idler, Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Is it curtains

for this

soapie?

 

THE Brexit fiasco in Britain possibly hurtles to a status of tragi-comedy on Friday with a chaotic cliff-edge departure.

But will there not be a last-minute twist to the script to keep the show going, as happens with all the best soapies?

So chaotic has the Brexit process been that when a group of protesters stripped their gear -  boys and gals - in the public gallery of the House of Commons and glued themselves to the glass partition, it seemed almost a breath of normality.

These had nothing to do with Brexit. They were from Extinction Rebellion, a movement who protest at the lack of government action to prevent climate change. They got arrested and MPs were afforded the unusual sight of policemen peeling them from the glass partition, using liquid soap.

It was not lost on the MPs below, as the debate continued. Labour's Peter Kyle adjusted his speech as the strippers appeared. "The naked truth is, Mr Speaker..." And when a colleague made a point of order: "I am grateful for the cheeky intervention..."

"He's fleshing out his argument very well," said Tory Justine Greening

Tory Nick Boles said his Brexiteer colleagues were "noted naturists".

Tory James Heappey sent off a tweet: "Parliament just got a little more nuts."

Ah yes, British humour in the moment of crisis.

But even this can't compare for humour with Theresa May, the vicar's daughter, getting lovey-dovey with Jeremy Corbyn, the Islington Marxist. Hilarious!

Will it all end on Friday? Or will the script be tweaked? This one could run and run.

 

Mozzies

 

A SCIENTIFIC study has found that electronic music can protect us from being bitten by mosquitoes.

An international panel of scientists played to a cluster of mosquitoes a track by an electronic artist calling himself Skrillex, who is known for a brand of music he calls "dubstep", according to Sky News.

I confess I'd never heard until now of Skrillex or dubstep, but apparently they're the answer when it comes to warding off the mozzies. A Skrillex number called Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites. put them right off their chow, they barely touched the human guinea pigs that were available.

As the scientists put it in their precise way: "The occurrence of blood feeding activity was lower when music was being played."

Er, yes. But are these scientists not being rather narrow in their investigations. Some people might prefer mosquitoes to Skrillex and the dubstep in the bedchamber. There's always the insecticide cannister.

 

No Pepsi

 

A HAWAIIN man has been ordered not to drink Pepsi Cola for the next four years while he serves probation for pinching a car.

Pepsi is apparently the favourite drink of 21-year-old Christopher Montilliano jr. Judge Rhonda Loo made the ban on drinking it part of his probation sentence, which also included 100 hours' community service..

"It's the Pepsi deprivation syndrome," she said, according to Huffington Post.

How it's enforced is surely another matter. Could Montilliano be hauled before the court again for driving under the influence of Pepsi?

A curious punishment but I daresay most of us would get through it OK. Castle or Famous Grouse would be a different matter – judicial barbarism, totally unacceptable in a civilised society.

 

Tailpiece

"FEEL like some slap and tickle?"

"Your place or mine?"

"Well if you're going to be argumentative, forget it."

 

Last word

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

Daniel J Boorstin

The Idler, Friday, April 5, 2019

Suddenly a

diversion

from Brexit

THE Mueller witch-hunt in America had gone quiet for a while. The special counsel investigating alleged collusion with Russia during the presidential election campaign reported to William Barr, President Trump's new Attorney-General.

Barr issued a four-page summary of the voluminous report, saying nothing had been found.

Then the New Yorker published a puzzling book review.

"Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel Moby Dick, by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains 'no evidence whatsoever of whales.'

"The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.

"'Those who read Moby Dick looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,' Barr wrote. 'There are no whales here.'

"To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book's first sentence: 'Call me Ishmael.'

"'As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,' Barr wrote.

"The Attorney-General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to 'reckless speculation' about the existence of whales in Moby Dick. "It's time to move on," he wrote.

"Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read Moby Dick, he was able to finish reading it in approximately 15 minutes."

Just what was satirist Andy Borowitz getting at?

Then this week the House of Representatives demanded sight of the entire Mueller report and voted to subpoena for it if necessary.

Thar she blows! The quiet is over. We have a diversion from the Brexit circus.

Rave-up

HOW did I miss out on this? Supporters of the regular arts soiree at St Clement's are still raving about Monday's musical performance by Blarney Brothers all-rounder Tony Fisher and a Latino group of guitarists called Mais Que Nada.

It was a barnstormer, they say, fantastic! All kinds of instruments - guitars, penny whistle, bongo drum, violin, you name it. And vocals – Irish and Latino. Truly a night to remember. One of the best we've had, they say.

How could I miss it? I've always had a soft spot for the Blarney Brothers. They were the first group I encountered down at the Killarney when, yonks ago, I returned from a spell overseas with fond memories of Ireland. They're still playing together.

And, the St Clement's folk tell me, Fisher's linking up with the Latinos has produced something truly sublime.

Yet I missed it. Sigh! Duty calls. When you get co-opted to the selection panel for official girl streakers for Super 12 rugby, you really can't refuse.

I'll just have to wait for Tony and Mais Que Nada to start their run at Rhumbelow Theatre.

 

Cavalry time

THE Lions tomorrow. Can we at last beat a local side after skinning the overseas opposition? Statistically, it's surely gotta happen?

I agree with coach Robert that we performed pretty well against the Bulls. Three points in it, one try of ours dodgily disallowed. There was some stirring defence, some great scrumming. The Fat Lady began to sing only in the closing minutes.

Okay, it wasn't the greatest spectacle. But that's rugby. Sometimes it's all in the trenches, sometimes it's the cavalry.

Let's make it the cavalry tonight. Dry ball on the highveld. Let loose our flyers. Let's give Curwin Bosch a gallop.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

Tailpiece

WHAT'S furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws?

A posse cat.

Last word

Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.

Samuel Butler

 

The Idler, Monday, April 8, 2019

Suddenly

it's the

big time

 

Oh my island in the sun,

Sharks 25, the Lions none …

AND that was only half-time. By full time it was almost a Murrayfield. Have we ever before dished it out in quite this way? I can't recall it.

Last week we used a military metaphor of the trenches and the cavalry in a preview of the game. Sure enough, the bugle sounded and the cavalry were in full cry, the backs working in closest synchronisation with the infantry. The driving, rucking, mauling and turning-over, the linking with the backline, were a delight to see. Also the short passing and off-loads – close to faultless. The tackling ferocious.

What a turnaround. For a moment those of us watching in The Pub With No Name, in Florida Road, wondered whether the management had not been lacing the beer with hallucinogens.

The Lions didn't know what hit them from the word go, they never got into the game. As they came back repeatedly to kick off, one sensed bewilderment and disbelief.

The Sharks are a side that has suddenly clicked resoundingly. That click will have been heard well beyond our shores. Anything can happen now.

The Sunwolves this weekend. They'll find Durban no Pearl Harbor. Then the Queensland Reds. Then off to Van Diemensland and the Land of the Long White Underpants.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

 

 

Catcher dog

A BORDER collie in Perth, Australia, has become a hit. A video of the dog – named Stanley – catching a tennis ball went viral.

This earned him an appearance on local news channel Network 10 Perth.

When the interviewer asked him: "So how are you coping with all the fame?" Stanley took the interview in an unexpected direction, according to Huffington Post.

He jumped up, grabbed the top part of the microphone in his mouth with a loud "pop!" and scampered away with it.

Ask a silly question …

 

Security cluster?

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener questions, in his latest grumpy newsletter, the existence of a "so-called security cluster" in government.

"What are the threats and risks to whom and what, that require the dozens of opaquely named outfits that infest our civil service and feed on the taxpayer?

"The presence of all these assorted agencies and acronyms generally comes to light only when they squabble and bicker among themselves.

"Are there really foreign forces at work plotting an invasion and seizure of our land and the minerals buried beneath it?"

Greener (whose academic background is actually in physics) calls for a simple diagram to explain the "security cluster" and what they do, in the same way theoretical physicist Richard Feynman produced a diagram to clearly explain what happens in the nucleus of an atom.

"It would be nice for us to be assured that we are getting value."

 

 

Tailpiece

A SCOTSMAN, an Englishman and a gorgeous girl are sitting in a train compartment. The train enters a tunnel and everything goes dark. There's a kissing sound then a resounding slap.

The train comes out of the tunnel. The Englishman is nursing a red slap mark on his face.

The girl thinks: "He tried to kiss me and kissed the Scotsman instead."

The Englishman thinks: "The Scotsman kissed her and she slapped me by mistake."

The Scotsman thinks: "Next tunnel I'll kiss my arm and slap the Englishman again."

Last word

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.

Hansell B Duckett
 

 

 

 

 

The Idler, Thursday, April 4, 2019

More foibles

of East

Griqualand

 

YESTERDAY shared emails on East Griqualand prompted discussion of the region's more eccentric characters. One such was my pal, Bill O' Hagan, who ended up achieving fame in London as the sausage king of Fleet Street.

 

The emails also relate to Ebbo Bastard, a member of an EG farming family of that unusual name who also played rugby for the Springboks. He was a flanker during the 1937 tour of Australia and New Zealand.

The Aussies and Kiwis were astonished by the surname. Radio commentators referred to him as "one player who we shall call Smith".

As anyone who has been to EG knows, the locals are high-spirited fellows. After a post-match pint or two, they tend to let off steam by climbing lampposts and things. EG is like the Wild West.

Following a match in Brisbane, Ebbo Bastard was spoken to by a constable after climbing a neon sign. He asked Bastard his name.

"I don't want to know what you are, I want to know who you are," the cop responded after being told the name.

Later in Sydney, a similar incident occurred involving Ebbo Bastard and teammate Syd van der Vyver, both of them climbing lampposts.

A constable asked their names. They complied. The cop: "No bastard is going to get a fiver out of me."

Lamppost climbing appears to have disappeared from rugby in the professional era. But as far as I know, the country teams of KZN still play for the Ebbo Bastard Trophy.

Unfortunately though, this story has a tragic, shocking twist. Bill O'Hagan was actually Ebbo Bastard's son. He and his mother changed their surname to her maiden name – O 'Hagan – after Ebbo was killed in a gunfight with a neighbour at Cedarville.

This time East Griqualand was just a little too much like the Wild West.

 

 

Clarity

SOME moments of clarity come this way:

·         America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.- David Letterman

 

·         I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.- Howard Hughes

 

 

·         I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

·         When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. -Prince Philip

 

·         A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.- Emo Philips.

 

·         Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
- Harrison Ford

 

·         Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.- Robin Hall

 

·         Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

·         We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
-W H Auden

 

·         I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

-Arthur C Clarke

 

·         Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. - Steve Martin

 

·         The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
- George Roberts

 

 

Tailpiece

WHAT do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

Last word

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

James Branch Cabell