The Idler, Friday, August 19, 2011

Crunch that Roller WHO HASN'T had the urge to drive a tank over a Mercedes or a Rolls Royce? That's what happened in the Lithuanian city of Vilnius. And the driver of the tank was none other than the Mayor, one Arturas Zuokas. "That's what will happen if you park your car illegally," he declared after inspecting the crushed Merc. When the shocked driver returned to his vehicle, the Mayor shook his hand and said: "Next time, park your car legally." Wow! Not even our Metro police take illegal parking that seriously. Zuokas says he's had enough of the owners of Rolls Royces and Ferraris who think they are above the law. "I wanted to draw attention to the fact that if you have a car and lots of money, it still doesn't mean that you can park your car wherever you want. However, it turns out the thing was staged and filmed as part of a campaign against illegal parking in Vilnius. All the same, it sets an ugly precedent. I hope our own James Nxumalo doesn't get ideas. We need to be watchful for interplay between City Hall and the Natal Mounted Rifles, who are our local tank regiment. In fact, I'm prepared to take up station in the Sergeants' Mess of the NMR over coming weeks just to make sure. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Sacked in braille THE PAN SOUTH African Language Board spent R5.4m in legal fees to dismiss its CEO, investment analyst Dr James Greener notes in his grumpy newsletter. "That seems like a lot of money to say: 'You're fired!'. But presumably the process had to be conducted in all 11 official languages (and braille).

 

Go-getter

ENTREPRENEURIALISM is alive and flourishing in the West Country of England.

Outside Bristol Zoo is a parking lot for 150 cars and eight buses. For 25 years it was managed by a pleasant attendant. The fees for cars were £1.40; for buses £7.

Then one day the parking attendant didn't show up. The zoo management phoned the city council and asked for a replacement.

The council replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo insisted that the attendant was a council employee. The council said he'd never been on its payroll.

 

It turns out he'd had a ticket machine installed completely on his own initiative and then shown up every day, collecting parking fees estimated at about £560 a day, for 25 years. That comes to about £7 million.

And nobody even knows this hero's name. I hope he enjoys the South of France, to which he's no doubt retired.

Did I read right?

 

SOME zany signs:

 

·         In a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

 

·         In a safari park: Elephants Please Stay in Your Car.

·         In a farmer's field: The Farmer Allows Walkers To Cross But The Bull Charges.

Meerkats

THE ST CLEMENTS group wound up the season's activities in fine style last week with a book launch. I can confirm that Pieter Scholtz's latest offering, Children of the Sands, is indeed about meerkats. Set in the Kalahari desert, it also features a bateleur eagle, a vulture and a Cape cobra. There's something unusual about all these creatures, but I'm not going to give the game away. Some humans are also involved.

Pieter, former head of Drama at UKZN and driving force behind the St Clements group – where people get together of a Monday evening for poetry, music, song, book readings, art displays and a bit of nosh and red wine – has published quite a bit in recent years, much of it aimed at youngsters.

This latest effort follows a theme of "use your eyes ... and your imaginations", and imagination gets free rein as the inhabitants of the apparently lifeless red dunes of the Kalahari are brought to life with a great deal of quirky humour.

Meerkats are delightful little creatures, almost human in their upright posture and pert attentiveness to what is going on around them. Scholtz makes the most of it.

Tailpiece

A GOLFER has had quite a few too many at the 19^th Hole and is driving home when he's flagged down by a police officer.

Officer: "You're too drunk to drive."

Golfer: "Too drunk to drive? Officer, I'm so drunk I can barely putt."

 

Last word

 

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Hunter S Thompson

 

The Idler, Thursday, August 18, 2011

Here's a real man

RUSSIAN prime minister (formerly president) Vladimir Putin continues to make his counterparts in Europe and elsewhere seem a little pale and insipid. His latest Action Man exercise – filmed and televised across Russia – shows him scuba diving in the Black Sea, recovering two ancient ceramic urns of Greek origin.

He has been shown horseriding bare-chested in the mountains, hunting in Siberia and darting a whale on a scientific mission to collect skin samples.

Other action highlights captured on camera include dropping a water bomb from an aircraft on to a wildfire, fishing (again topless) and straddling a Harley-Davidson.

He also took the microphone and delivered a creditable rendition of Blueberry Hill when an American jazz group visited Moscow.

This is a new, human face of Russia. We never saw Stalin at the bowling alley, Kruschev on waterskis or Molotov ramp-jumping on a Harley. Even Gorbachev (decent bloke), if he had a passion for hang-gliding, kept it to himself. (Boris Yeltsin had the human touch but he whacked the vodka just a little too hard and he completely blew it when television picked him up pinching a female secretary's bottom).

People accuse Putin of hamming it up for the elections next year. But at least there are elections, not like in the past.

Western leaders have some catch-up to do. Maybe Barack Obama will get a pogo stick; maybe David Cameron will take up morris dancing. But Putin's the man who's making the running.

Working at wordplay

AN EXTRAORDINARY CV has come this way:

·         My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

·         Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

·         After that, I tried being a tailor but wasn't suited for it - it was a sew-sew job.

·         Next, I tried working in an engine muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

·         Then I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

·         Next I attempted being a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

·         Then I was a musician, but found I wasn't noteworthy.

·         I studied a long time to become a doctor, but didn't have any patience.

·         Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried hard but just didn't fit in.

·         I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

·         I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance ompany, but the work was too draining.

·         I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..

·         After many years of trying to find steady work, I got a job as a historian – but then realised there was no future in it.

·         My last job was with Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was the same old grind.

Memo to Human Resources: Grab this guy before he retires!

 

Tailpiece

HE SAT ON the edge of the bed watching as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her birthday was approaching. "What would you like for your birthday?"

"I'd like to be eight again." She was still looking in the mirror.

Came the Big Day and he rose early. He got her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside-down. Then he took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with him and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

"Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed as realisation dawned.

"I meant my dress size, you retard!"

Last word

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

Art Buchwald

 

The Idler, Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Life a century ago A SPLENDID photograph is doing the rounds in cyberspace of a 1910 Ford Model R – a beautiful little vehicle in red and black coachwork that was a next step into the modern automotive age from the famous Model T. Attached is some information about America in 1910: ·         The average life expectancy for men was 47. ·         Fuel for the Ford Model R was sold only in drugstores. ·         Only 14 percent of homes had a bathtub. ·         Only eight percent of homes had a telephone. ·         There were only 8 000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved road. ·         The speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. ·         The tallest structure in the world was still the Eiffel Tower. ·         The average US wage was 22 cents an hour. ·         The average US worker made between $200 and $400 a year . ·         A competent accountant could expect to earn $2 000 per year; a dentist $2 500, a veterinarian between $1 500 and $4 000; and a mechanical engineer about $5 000. ·        More than 95 percent of births were at home. ·         Ninety percent of doctors had no college education. Instead they attended medical schools, many of which  were considered substandard. ·         Sugar cost four cents a pound. ·         Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. ·         Coffee was 15 cents a pound. ·         Most women washed their hair only once a month, using egg yolk for shampoo. ·         The American flag had 45 stars. ·         The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was 30. ·         Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. ·         Two out of 10 adults couldn't read or write and only six percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. ·         Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. ·         Pharmacists said: "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ·         Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. ·         There were about 230 murders reported in the entire USA. "I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself," says the compiler. "From there, it will be sent to others all over the world - all in a matter of seconds. Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. It staggers the mind!"

Quantum leaps

YES, WE'VE moved on by quantum leaps since 1910, led by American technology. But why is everything all of a heap right now? Is forward movement always progress? It's instructive to stay in touch with the wisdom of the ancients.

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."

 

That was Cicero in 55 BC, setting out exactly what Barack Obama, David Cameron and others are today trying to achieve in order to save their societies from ruin – they seek a regression to something approximating 1910 in terms of values and work ethic.

 

The Ford Model R mentioned above was produced by Henry Ford, a manufacturing/financial genius who believed in the present and the future and once notoriously said: "History is bunk!"

 

Oh yeah? As Santayana said: "Those who refuse to learn from history are condemned to repeat it." It's happening.

 

Down memory lane

 

We were just reminiscing about the time when our car got stuck in reverse. The conversation really took us back.

Tailpiece

 

Doctor: "Wow! Those are serious lacerations you've got. How did it happen?"

 

Patient: "You won't believe me. I was sitting watching TV when there was a knock at the door. I answered it and there was this giant stag beetle on the doorstep, six feet tall. He just started laying into me with his claws and mandibles and things. Absolutely terrifying. It was all I could do to close the door on him.

 

Doctor: "Oh, I believe you all right. There's a nasty bug going around."

 

Last word

 

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.

Christopher Morley

 

The Idler, Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bheki's the man for the job

BRITISH Prime Minister David Cameron's decision to parachute in American "supercop" Bill Bratton to assist with handling the street violence and looting is said to have angered his top police chiefs, who insist they are better placed to offer guidance.

But whatever the merits or otherwise of the Bratton selection, Cameron has missed a trick He had every opportunity to arrange a secondment from within the Commonwealth of our own tough top cop, Bheki Cele.

Cele, with his gung-ho cowboy hat and catapult slung about his neck, would provide the swashbuckling presence that is lacking in British policing right now, and without which the street thugs will not be cowed.

Besides, the TV shots we see virtually every day of New Scotland Yard suggest that the place is looking a bit downmarket. If they need new premises, Cele is just the man to see to it.

Spare the rod …

 

MEANWHILE, reader Stanley Fraser pens a few lines on the London rioting and asks why discipline has broken down.

 

Beloved London up in flames
A year before Olympic Games.
Sympathisers proffer excuses,
Real - or misdirecting ruses?

'The youth are cross',
'They're at a loss',
'It's spending cuts
That wrench their guts.'
'Oh, what a shame,
their life's in vain'
Should we have dropped the cane?
Obsessive human rights to blame?
Lack of discipline in the schools?
Teachers can't enforce the rules?
Parents have no control?
Kids look forward to the dole?
What do you expect -
Law and order and respect?

 

Spare us this …

 

READER Graham Rudolph sends in some complaints made by British council house tenants.

 

·         I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

·         It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

·         My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

·         I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

·         Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

·         I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

·         Fifty percent of the walls are damp, 50 percent have crumbling plaster and 50 percent are plain filthy.

·         I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

·         The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

·         Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

·         Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

·         I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Yes, grounds for discontent certainly. But it probably didn't cause the riots.

 

Bureaucratic verbiage

HERE'S something to put into perspective government bureaucracy.

Pythagoras's theorem: 24 words. The Lord's Prayer: 66 words. Archimedes Principle: 67words. The Ten Commandments: 179 words. The Gettysburg Address: 286 words. The US Declaration of Independence : 1 300 words. The US Constitution, with all 27 Amendments: 7 818 words.

Then the European Union regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26 911 words

Tailpiece

 

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker;"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please?"

I was still deep in my routine, impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would that man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee?" I ignored it and kept concentrating. Then he yelled: "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee? Please!"

I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window at the person with the microphone. I cupped my hands and shouted back: "Would the damn fool in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

 

 

Last word

 

A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money.

Senator Everett Dirksen