The Idler, Tuesday, September 10, 2019

A story you

just couldn't

make up

 

FLEET Street has its traditions. "Coo – wot a scorcher!" is the headline Britain's red-top tabloids routinely use to describe a heatwave. (They also sometimes use it to describe a steamy exotic dance).

But satirical magazine Private Eye has come up with a variation. "COUP! WHAT A SCORCHER!" proclaims the front cover in response to Boris Johnson's proroguing of parliament, reducing the time available for scrutiny of his "no deal" Brexit manoeuvres, though ostensibly to allow for a routine Queen's Speech.

Photo 1: A horse-drawn carriage taking the Queen to the opening of parliament.  Caption 1: "Queen's Speech then."

Photo 2: A tank rumbling through the streets. Caption 2: Queen's Speech now.

Alarmist? This is satire, remember. Time will tell. But the goings-on in and around the Mother of Parliaments are unprecedented since the days of Cromwell.

Last week the House of Commons took control of the Brexit process, passing a bill that forces Johnson to ask the EU for an extension of the Brexit deadline if no deal is reached. Yesterday it became law after going through the House of Lords.

Johnson says he would rather be "dead in a ditch" than do any such thing. There is talk of the government approaching the courts to challenge the new Act. But is parliament not sovereign? Can the courts override a measure passed by both houses and assented to by the Queen?

Others argue that if Johnson fails to abide by a law of his own parliament, he is guilty of a crime and could go to jail.

Maybe the Queen will intervene and just lock him up in the Tower of London, the way her long-ago predecessors used to do with difficult characters.

You couldn't make it up.

 

 

Poser

 

BRIAN Porter, retired MD of this newspaper, sends in a puzzle.

10 was a bishop. 22 was 12. 101 a peace prize. 22 11 2

What does this mean? Answer:

One ou was a bishop. Tutu was one too. One ou won a peace prize. Tutu won one too.

It's good to know Brian is spending his retirement days so productively.

 

 

Rattler

 

A RARE two-headed rattlesnake - named Double Dave - has been found in a forest in the US, according to Sky News.

The baby timber rattlesnake was discovered in New Jersey's Pine Barrens last month by environmentalists from the Herpetological Associates group.

 

The group, which is now caring for the snake, has been studying endangered and threatened reptiles and amphibians since 1977.

Bob Zappalorti, chief executive of Herpetological Associates of Burlington County, said it was the first two-headed timber rattlesnake ever found in the state.

The herpetologists stumbled across the days-old rattlesnake in a known nesting area. But they were not expecting to find one with two heads.

They captured Double Dave by temporarily distracting his mother. They say his two heads mean he will be better off being cared for than being left in the wild. The two heads make it difficult for him to burrow.

Does a two-headed rattlesnake produce double the rattling sound? Captured young, could it be trained to accompany a dance band, an add-on to the castanets?

And why the name Double Dave? That's because it was discovered by herpetoplogists Dave Schneider and Dave Burkett,

 

 

 

Tailpiece

 

WHAT happens when a jazz musician's clothes get all worn out?

Ragtime, Baby!

 

 

Last word

 

I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run. - Babe Ruth

 

The Idler, Monday, September 9, 2019

Those English

surnames

crop up again

LAST week, we discussed the peculiarity of various English surnames. The names Shufflebottom, Ramsbottom, Sidebottom, Smellie-Hogg and Huntgrub came up.

On the sports pages my rugby writing colleague Mike Greenaway had an amusing piece about the Boks' match against Japan in the World Cup England in England four years ago. A few days before the match the team went on a relaxed trip to the seaside town of Eastbourne.

In a speech of thanks to the local mayor after a civic reception, skipper Jean de Villiers quipped: "Mrs Mayor you say that a local attraction is Beachyhead, the highest chalk cliff in England. I hear it is also a popular suicide spot. Well, if we don't win this match (Japan), there will be 31 green and gold lemmings returning to jump off that cliff …"

Mike continues: "Just six days later it appeared as though De Villiers had visited Beachyhead and it was his ghost seated at the post-match press conference. Gaunt and pale with shock, he could barely speak …"

Next Mike gets an email from Cape Town. "While I loved your article in this morning's Times ('The day the Boks almost went to Beachyhead'), I was horrified at your spelling of Beachy Head. I should know, our surname emanates from there and is also often misspelled!! I however will not throw myself off Beachy Head because of your typo. Paul Beachy Head."

Yes, you don't trifle with the Shufflebottoms, Ramsbottoms, Sidebottoms, Smellie-Hoggs, Huntgrubs and Beachy Heads of this world.

A close shave

PHEW! Talking of which, a close shave for the Boks against Japan. Also for the All Blacks against Tonga. That's what you call warm-ups.

It's the real thing in a couple of weeks, Boks versus All Blacks. This is the big 'un.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

Photo fun

Meanwhile. the photo of Tory Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg dozing prone on the front benches of the House of Commons,  has been doing the rounds on the internet in various settings.

As mentioned last week, One has his angular figure outlined in red as a graphic illustration of the drop in the Tory majority from 17, to 11, to 8, to 1, to minus 1, to minus 43.

Another has him doing a back flip over the bar in an athletics high jump event.

Yet another has him floating in the same posture down a stream, a take-off ofOphelia, Sir John Everrett's famous 19^th century painting depicting Shakespeare's character in Hamlet singing just before she drowned.

Now the same prone shot of Rees-Mogg, Leader of the House in the Commons, has been projected, hugely magnified, onto the walls of Edinburgh Castle with the caption: "Lying Tory".

Those Scottish Nationalists stop at nothing.

And he's also moved on to Northern Ireland. On Twitter he's shown reclining on a road sign at the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic.

Coming toward him, suspended from a foofee slide and waving two Union Jacks, is his prime minister, Boris Johnson.

Caption: "The new Irish Border Guards".

The Poms are in a pickle but they haven't lost the ability to laugh.

 

 

 

.

 

 

Tailpiece

WHAT sleeps at the bottom of the ocean?

Jack the kipper.

 

Last word

 

The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting.

Charles Bukowski

The Idler, Thursday, September 5,2019

Cantona's

stirring

speech

 

FORMER Manchester United striker Eric Cantona had them totally confused in Monaco the other night as he made a short speech when he received the Uefa President's Award for his charity work.

What language was he speaking? Russian? Nobody could understand him.

Actually the Frenchman was giving a strongly accented rendition of a passage from Shakespeare's King Lear.

"As flies to wanton boys are we for the gods. They kill us for the sport," he said.

Then he branched into philosophy. "Soon the science will not only be able to slow down the ageing of the cells," he said. "Soon the science will fix the cells to the state and so we will become eternal.

"Only accidents, crimes, wars, will still kill us. Unfortunately, crimes, wars will multiply. I love football. Thank you."

The nonplussed audience applauded in mystification.

Bravo!

 

 

Confusion reigns

MORE nonplussment. Ian Holloway, former manager of Queen's Park Rangers, blames the European Union for a controversial new handball rule in Premier League football, which cost Manchester City a win against Tottenham.

He told Sky Sport that he thinks the EU should stop "telling us what we do with our game".

City would have won the match the game 3-2, but a video assistant referee (VAR) ruled that the ball had brushed the hand of a City defender before reaching the striker of what at first appeared to be a goal.

The new rule stipulates that any contact between a player's hand or arm with the ball must be disciplined, even if it was an accident. But it was introduced by the International Football Association, not the EU.

Holloway said he believed the rule and the use of VAR should be scrapped, adding: "I hope we get out, Brexit, because that's what we all voted for. You cannot have someone telling us how to do our own game."

Feelings are running high in Blighty. Confusion reigns.

 

 

Age of Trump

 

President Donald Trump really needs to take some advice before firing off his tweets, which can backfire dreadfully.

Last week he tweeted on "The Age of Trump", according to Huffington Post, apparently unaware of the absurdity of such grandiloquence

He tweeted: "When the 'Age of Trump' is looked back on many years from now, I only hope that a big part of my legacy will be the exposing of massive dishonesty in the Fake News!"

The tweet trended. But Trump probably would not have been pleased by some of the responses, Examples:

·       Wondered why everyone was suddenly tweeting about the "Age of Trump." OF COURSE it's because Trump, the king of narcissists, tweeted it. Your 4 years as president doesn't qualify as an AGE, even if only 2½ years does feel like an aeon. You're really not that important.

·       LOL he just said the "Age of Trump." The only megalomaniacs who named an entire age after themselves ended up destroying their nations in huge dumpster fires. Even Hitler called it the Third Reich and not the Age of Hitler. Trump is a parody of himself.

There was also some disagreement among those who responded:

·       "The Age of Trump" is roughly six and a half.

·       4 years old is "The Age of Trump".

·       Age of Trump is 5.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

HOW many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They call a Polish electrician.

 

Last word

 

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theismann

The Idler, Tuesday, September 2, 2019

Relax – there's

something big

in the offing

 

 

THE world is beset by storms of both natural and human origin. Hurricane Dorian batters the Bahamas and threatens the US East Coast; the Amazon rain forest is ravaged by wildfires; Hong Kong is convulsed by political demonstrations; hospitals are being bombed in Syria, hare-trigger stand-offs characterise Kashmir, as well as various parts of the Middle East;  Britain is in turmoil over Brexit.

Yet within this welter of confusion and chaos, something positive. A huge international real estate deal is beginning to unfold. Denmark wants to buy the US, according to the New Yorker.

"After rebuffing Donald J Trump's hypothetical proposal to purchase Greenland, the government of Denmark has announced that it would be interested in buying the US instead," it says.

"'As we have stated, Greenland is not for sale,' a spokesperson for the Danish government said. 'We have noted, however, that during the Trump regime pretty much everything in the US, including its government, has most definitely been for sale.

"'Denmark would be interested in purchasing the US in its entirety, with the exception of its government,' the spokesperson added.

"A key provision of the purchase offer, the spokesperson said, would be the relocation of Donald Trump to another country 'to be determined,' with Russia and North Korea cited as possible destinations.

"If Denmark's bid for the US is accepted, the Scandinavian nation has ambitious plans for its new acquisition. 'We believe that, by giving the US an educational system and national health care, it could be transformed from a vast land mass into a great nation,' the spokesperson said."

Yes, this is satirist Andy Borowitz again.

 

 

Pole dancers

IS THIS taking robotics and artificial intelligence too far? An exotic dance club in France is to celebrate its fifth anniversary by featuring two robot pole dancers in high heels, each having a CCTV camera for a head.

A preview shot on Sky News shows the two dancers in action. It seems not exactly what pole dance patrons are after. It suggests that, ingenious as the gimmick may be, the 10-gal regular dance troupe at the SC-Club in Nantes have nothing to fear from the robotic competition.

 

 

Weirdo deliveries

 

SOME weird goings-on in the American state of Virginia. Householders in Henrico County have been waking up to find an old, bulky TV set dumped on their front porch, according to Huffington Post.

CCTV footage has recorded the actual delivery in certain cases. A fellow in a sort of space suit, but with a television set on his shoulders where the space helmet should be, walks up carrying a TV set. He carefully sets it down on the porch, then leaves. No message, no explanation.

The police think it's a prank by college kids and aren't too fussed, though there is an offence involved – dumping rubbish. Also there's the schlepp of picking up the sets from householders who complain. So far they've picked up about 60.

They expect the nocturnal deliveries to tail off as examination time approaches.

 

Tailpiece

 

A CLERGYMAN is walking down the street when he sees a small boy struggling to ring a doorbell that he can't reach. He walks up behind the boy and gives the bell a solid ring.

"How now, my little man?" he smiles.

"Now we run like blazes!"

 

Last word

What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn't come every day. - George Bernard Shaw

 

The Idler, Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Eighty years on –

no place for

complacency

 

SOUND the Last Post. Eighty years ago yesterday, Britain and France declared war on Nazi Germany. Almost every other country in the world got sucked into the conflict, this one included. The devastation was enormous, it ended with nuclear bombing. Horror upon horror. Recovery was gradual. But Europe discovered a new cohesion and eventually a joint prosperity. The peace has lasted 74 years.

Today there's a new line-up. It's France and Germany against Britain – though not militarily, of course – as the British try to break away from the EU. The EU would be seriously weakened by such a breakaway. Britain would probably be weakened even more.

What's behind all this? Do we see a resurgence in Europe of the social forces that morphed into Nazism and Fascism? The acknowledged baddies of that era, Hitler and Mussolini, were, it must be recalled, democratically elected. France and Germany themselves – also Italy – show internal stirrings of ultra-nationalism.

It's a sobering thought. And what are we to make of a British prime minister who is hell-bent on breaking away from Europe and appears ambivalent about the sovereignty of parliament?

To take it further, what are we to make of an American president who appears ambivalent about Nato – which has kept the peace for 74 years – and hostile to internationalism generally?

Eighty years on. Sound the Last Post. But learn the lessons of the past, don't take anything for granted.

 

 

Has it all

Overheard in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "What do you give the man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it."

 

 

Who'd be a trader?

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener commiserates in his latest grumpy newsletter with stock market traders who have a new irritant entering their calculations.

"It requires a very special talent to drive a trading desk surrounded by screens ceaselessly delivering numbers, words and pictures of talking heads. One must respond to anything that's just the slightest bit different from what it was seconds earlier.

"Currently a new fearsome hazard to prudent decision-making has turned up: a garrulous, omniscient, media-wise US president with an opinion on everything.

"Last week he seemed to be baiting the Chinese and there must be some dealers who considered early retirement, growing turnips on a smallholding.

"Even from a disinterested distance it looked very messy as Trump apparently changed his stance regularly."

 

 

Parental phrase

 

A WOMAN in New Hampshire, in the US,  is fighting to keep her personalised car licence plate, which displays a common parental phrase.

Wendy Auger's personal plate reads "PB4WEGO." She's had it for 15 years.

The state's motor licensing authorities now say phrases related to "excretory acts" are not permitted. Wendy's is one of 92 plates to be recalled in New Hampshire, according to Huffington Post..

But she's appealed against the ruling. She asks:  "Who has a mom or dad or parental figure who hasn't said that to kids before leaving the house?"

It would be interesting to know what the other 91 recalled licence plates say. It could be pretty entertaining.

 

Tailpiece

TWO army veterans are chatting in their club.

"When did you last make love to a woman?"

"Er, it was 1955."

"I say, that's a long time ago."

"Not really. It's only a quarter past eight now."

 

Last word

 

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. - Isaac Newton

The Idler, Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Relax – there's

something big

in the offing

 

 

THE world is beset by storms of both natural and human origin. Hurricane Dorian batters the Bahamas and threatens the US East Coast; the Amazon rain forest is ravaged by wildfires; Hong Kong is convulsed by political demonstrations; hospitals are being bombed in Syria, hare-trigger stand-offs characterise Kashmir, as well as various parts of the Middle East;  Britain is in turmoil over Brexit.

Yet within this welter of confusion and chaos, something positive. A huge international real estate deal is beginning to unfold. Denmark wants to buy the US, according to the New Yorker.

"After rebuffing Donald J Trump's hypothetical proposal to purchase Greenland, the government of Denmark has announced that it would be interested in buying the US instead," it says.

"'As we have stated, Greenland is not for sale,' a spokesperson for the Danish government said. 'We have noted, however, that during the Trump regime pretty much everything in the US, including its government, has most definitely been for sale.

"'Denmark would be interested in purchasing the US in its entirety, with the exception of its government,' the spokesperson added.

"A key provision of the purchase offer, the spokesperson said, would be the relocation of Donald Trump to another country 'to be determined,' with Russia and North Korea cited as possible destinations.

"If Denmark's bid for the US is accepted, the Scandinavian nation has ambitious plans for its new acquisition. 'We believe that, by giving the US an educational system and national health care, it could be transformed from a vast land mass into a great nation,' the spokesperson said."

Yes, this is satirist Andy Borowitz again.

 

 

Pole dancers

IS THIS taking robotics and artificial intelligence too far? An exotic dance club in France is to celebrate its fifth anniversary by featuring two robot pole dancers in high heels, each having a CCTV camera for a head.

A preview shot on Sky News shows the two dancers in action. It seems not exactly what pole dance patrons are after. It suggests that, ingenious as the gimmick may be, the 10-gal regular dance troupe at the SC-Club in Nantes have nothing to fear from the robotic competition.

 

 

Weirdo deliveries

 

SOME weird goings-on in the American state of Virginia. Householders in Henrico County have been waking up to find an old, bulky TV set dumped on their front porch, according to Huffington Post.

CCTV footage has recorded the actual delivery in certain cases. A fellow in a sort of space suit, but with a television set on his shoulders where the space helmet should be, walks up carrying a TV set. He carefully sets it down on the porch, then leaves. No message, no explanation.

The police think it's a prank by college kids and aren't too fussed, though there is an offence involved – dumping rubbish. Also there's the schlepp of picking up the sets from householders who complain. So far they've picked up about 60.

They expect the nocturnal deliveries to tail off as examination time approaches.

 

Tailpiece

 

A CLERGYMAN is walking down the street when he sees a small boy struggling to ring a doorbell that he can't reach. He walks up behind the boy and gives the bell a solid ring.

"How now, my little man?" he smiles.

"Now we run like blazes!"

 

Last word

What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn't come every day. - George Bernard Shaw

 

The Idler, Monday, September 2, 2019

Soft-shoe

shuffle in

Florida Road

ASTONISHING who you can run into in Florida Road. The other evening in The Pub With No Name, I got into conversation with a delightful pair of brothers from Manchester, with the unusual name of Shufflebottom.

Now don't snigger. It's a perfectly respectable English name, relating to a locality such as a bottom field or down in a valley. Similar names are Sidebottom and Ramsbottom.

These fellows explained in their strong English Midlands accent that they trace their Shufflebottom forebears back to the 14^th century, when they were landowners with their own coat-of-arms.

But the vagaries, over time, of meaning in the English language have made the name Shufflebottom rather awkward, suggestive of movements on a disco dance floor. The name is also easily open to distortion – Shuttlebottom, Wigglebottom, even Thunderbottom.

So the brothers opted to simplify matters. When they came to South Africa, they changed their name to Jones.

"I got married and started to raise a family," said one. "I remembered all the playground fights I had over my name. Was I going to put my daughter through school with the name Shufflebottom? No, not fair!"

As I say, this conversation took place in The Pub With No Name. It would be a nice gesture if management were to change that. "Shufflebottom Arms" has a nice ring.

 

More names

THOSE English surnames. My dad had a friend in Swaziland called Smellie-Hogg. And in the Maritzburg telephone directory in days of yore there was a listing for a Major Huntgrub.

The poor man was pestered by calls from kids asking: "Have you caught any today?" and suggesting: "It's the early bird that catches the worm."

 

 

Plus one more

 

AND then there was Van der Merwe who went into the magistrate's office to get his name changed.

"What's your present name?" asked the clerk.

"Lelik van der Merwe."

"I'm not surprised you want that changed. What do you want to change to?"

"Lelik du Plooy. I'm getting sick and tired of all these Van der Merwe jokes."

 

 

Brexit blues

 

STURM und drang in Blighty. The clock ticks toward a "no deal" Brexit by default as Bojo prorogues parliament to limit the time available for it to stop any such thing.

Three court actions – in England, Scotland and Northern Ireland – challenge his move. The streets are thronged with protesters. Ugly incidents in Northern Ireland suggest a resurgence of sectarian violence as a result of Brexit. Economic calamity threatens.

Bojo's opponents – from all parties – say he won't get away with it. He has a theoretical – only theoretical - majority in the House of Commons of just one.

This is the worst crisis since Cromwell. The great difference is that Cromwell was on the side of parliament.

 

 

Great game

 

WHAT a wonderful game of rugby that semi-final was. Superb handling, by our fellows especially. A see-sawing all the way, tied 13 minutes from time.

But Free State had eaten their porridge and the Sharks had no answer in those closing minutes.

But what a performance by both sides. There's nothing wrong with Currie Cup rugby. This was as good as anything you'll see at any level.

 

Tailpiece

 

A Pole is having his eyes tested. The optician shows a chart with the letters CKOPVWXSCZY.

"Can you read that?"

"Read it? Sure, I also know the guy."

 

 

Last word

 

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. - Ernie Kovacs