The Idler, Thursday, September 1, 2016

The buds of spring

 

Spring is sprung, da grass is riz

I wonder where da boidies is?

Da boids is on da wing, or so I've hoid.

But dat's absoid,

Da wings is on da boid.

 

YES, it's the first day of spring and the damsels are dropping out of the rafters in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties.

And we wonder yet again who the author was of The Bronx Spring, quoted above. Some attribute it to Damon Runyan, some to ee cummings, some to Ogden Nash.

Some believe Spike Milligan wrote it – he often used the lines - but it predated him by many years. It seems to have actually evolved in America in stages, not all versions as heavily Brooklyn accented. It's anonymous.

Another springtime ditty is attributed to Ogden Nash:

Spring has newly sprung,

The hills are full of grass,

And along comes a billy-goat

Sliding on his overcoat

Down the summer pass.

A pause just before "overcoat" is important. Attributed but not proven. Another anonymous ditty of spring.

Meanwhile Gilbert and Sullivan:

The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine -
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la.
Of a summer of roses and wine.

The Street Shelter these days is no place for the fainthearted.

 

Supermarket?

TV FOOTAGE showed British Prime Minister Theresa May leaving Downing Street in a Rolls, heading for Checkers for a meeting with her cabinet on the detail of leaving the EU.

Checkers? Does the British cabinet meet in supermarkets these days?

Oh, Chequers of course, the prime minister's official country residence. Silly me!

 

Media clamp-down

NAMIBIA is to introduce a media regulatory body to curb "irresponsible reporting". We all know what that means.

The Nats sought the very same thing for 20 or 30 years at least. John Vorster was especially vocal about it. But in the end nothing happened. The present lot also seem to flirt with the idea, but they would probably be stymied by the constitution.

Namibia inherited particularly spirited, robust and diverse newspapers, writing in Afrikaans, German and English. I was there quite a bit during the transition from the mandated territory of South-West Africa to today's Namibia

Among its newspapers were Die Suid-Wes Afrikaner, a Bloedsap publication edited by a delightful man named Angel Engelbrecht. It consisted mainly of rambling tirades against anything to do with the National Party, which of course was running SWA.

Then there was the Windhoek Observer, edited by one Hannes Smith. Hannes was the only man I have known who literally tore at his hair when he got excited, which was much of the time.

He often ran whimsical front page pieces such as the wife of the administrator-general snorting into her brandy and coke when she spotted him at a cocktail party. Everything was over the top.

Smith's finest hour was perhaps when PW Botha (then minister of defence and Cape leader of the Nats) came to Windhoek to open the National Party's congress.

He took a leaf out of Verwoerd's book. Verwoerd, then editor of the Transvaler, had ignored the royal visit of 1947, save for a paragraph on the front page recording that a traffic jam had been caused in Johannesburg due to the presence of "foreign guests".

Smith's front page coverage of the event was a paragraph recording that "no traffic jam was caused in Windhoek by the arrival of a guest speaker from the Cape."

It would be a great pity if this kind of vibrancy were to be curbed.

Dodos

LILIAN Develing, of Hillcrest, confirms yesterday's mention of Durban Natural History Museum having a skeleton of the extinct dodo, as well as a stuffed specimen of the bird. (She's also tipped off Sky News, who said the only complete skeleton of a dodo is in Poet Louis, Mauritius).

There might also be one in Maritzburg. I recall as a kid seeing a stuffed dodo in a glass case in the Natal Museum. But I suppose it might have been the Durban one, on loan.

 

Tailpiece

"CAN you give me a lift?"

"Sure. You look great! The world's your oyster! Go for it!"

Last word

A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. - Friedrich Nietzsche

The Idler, EWednesday, August 31, 2016,

Signs of the times

GERMAN Vice-Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel responded with a middle finger gesture to a group of neo-Nazis who were heckling him in the north of the country.

It's caused quite a stir, according to the BBC, and his Social Democratic Party issued a statement that it was an emotional reaction. "Obviously Sigmar Gabriel does not regard that gesture to be an appropriate form of everyday communication, but communication was not possible with bellowing neo-Nazis who were clearly prepared to use violence."

Sigmar Gabriel meanwhile says his only regret is that he didn't use both hands.

This middle finger emotional reaction is a curious thing. It seems to have originated in America but has found its way into other countries such as this one, in some quarters replacing the traditional two-finger gesture that dates back to the Battle of Agincourt in 1415 where the French crossbowmen had boasted they would cut the fingers off the English longbowmen.

As the French retreated in defeat, the English derisively waved two fingers at them, the twos-up gesture.that survives to this day.

But, as I say, the middle finger gesture has arrived. A woman driver cut in front of me in traffic the other day, pulled a face at me as she did so and extended her middle finger. It was most ladylike and expressive, an Americanism that has crept in to stay.

And of course in South Africa we also have our own finger gesture, involving the thumb, which is also expressive but only in this part of the world. Use it overseas and it evokes no reaction whatever.

It's a fascinating field of study this – finger gestures and people's reaction – well worthy of a PhD. I once set up a pilot study in a busy street, making the range of all three finger gestures at people and noting their reaction.

But, alas, this groundbreaking exercise in sociology was interrupted by a policeman tapping me on the shoulder …"

Resources

 

IS DONALD Trump's presidential campaign in the US faltering? Satirist Andy Borowitz reports in the New Yorker that the Republican Party has decided on a diverting of resources.

 

 

"According to the RNC chairman, Reince Priebus, the decision to reallocate the funds from television advertising to alcoholic beverages came after a careful review of the polling in crucial battleground states.

"'With about 70 days to go until the election, we had to consider what was the optimal way for us to get through those 70 days," he said. 'We are confident that we have found that way. The decision was unanimous.'

"In the crucial state of Pennsylvania, 20 000 litres of vodka, gin, tequila, and an assortment of fine whiskeys are already being distributed to Republican Party offices.

"'It's questionable whether the ads we were thinking of buying for Trump would work,' Harland Dorrinson, the Pennsylvania GOP chairman, said. 'We received the first shipment of alcohol this afternoon, and I can tell you that it's already working.'

"According to the most recent filing with the Federal Election Commission, after the outlays for wine and spirits the RNC will still have a million dollars in cash on hand, which will go to beer."

Local politicos might take note because 2019 will be upon us before we know it. Stock up now!

 

Websites

A LIST comes this way of companies that could have put more thought into designing their web addresses:

·         Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent representing any celebrity. Website:   www.whorepresents.com

·         Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views. Website: www.expertsexchange.com

·         Looking for a great pen? Try Pen Island. Website:   www.penisland.net

·         Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder. Website: www.therapistfinder.com

·         Then there's the Italian Power Generator company. Website:  www.powergenitalia.com

·         IP Computer Software. Website:  www.ipanywhere.com

·         Arty design? Try Speed of Art. Website:  www.speedofart.com

Tailpiece

JULIUS Caesar is addressing the populace in the Colisseum: "I have returned from my campaign in France, where I killed 50 000 Gauls".

The crowd rise to their feet, cheering: "Hail, mighty Caesar!"

Brutus leaps to his feet: "Caesar lies! He killed only 25 000!"

Caesar: "Yes, but away Gauls count double in Europe."

Last word 

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.

Will Rogers

The Idler, Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Signs of the times

GERMAN Vice-Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel responded with a middle finger gesture to a group of neo-Nazis who were heckling him in the north of the country.

It's caused quite a stir, according to the BBC, and his Social Democratic Party issued a statement that it was an emotional reaction. "Obviously Sigmar Gabriel does not regard that gesture to be an appropriate form of everyday communication, but communication was not possible with bellowing neo-Nazis who were clearly prepared to use violence."

Sigmar Gabriel meanwhile says his only regret is that he didn't use both hands.

This middle finger emotional reaction is a curious thing. It seems to have originated in America but has found its way into other countries such as this one, in some quarters replacing the traditional two-finger gesture that dates back to the Battle of Agincourt in 1415 where the French crossbowmen had boasted they would cut the fingers off the English longbowmen.

As the French retreated in defeat, the English derisively waved two fingers at them, the twos-up gesture.that survives to this day.

But, as I say, the middle finger gesture has arrived. A woman driver cut in front of me in traffic the other day, pulled a face at me as she did so and extended her middle finger. It was most ladylike and expressive, an Americanism that has crept in to stay.

And of course in South Africa we also have our own finger gesture, involving the thumb, which is also expressive but only in this part of the world. Use it overseas and it evokes no reaction whatever.

It's a fascinating field of study this – finger gestures and people's reaction – well worthy of a PhD. I once set up a pilot study in a busy street, making the range of all three finger gestures at people and noting their reaction.

But, alas, this groundbreaking exercise in sociology was interrupted by a policeman tapping me on the shoulder …"

Resources

 

IS DONALD Trump's presidential campaign in the US faltering? Satirist Andy Borowitz reports in the New Yorker that the Republican Party has decided on a diverting of resources.

 

 

"According to the RNC chairman, Reince Priebus, the decision to reallocate the funds from television advertising to alcoholic beverages came after a careful review of the polling in crucial battleground states.

"'With about 70 days to go until the election, we had to consider what was the optimal way for us to get through those 70 days," he said. 'We are confident that we have found that way. The decision was unanimous.'

"In the crucial state of Pennsylvania, 20 000 litres of vodka, gin, tequila, and an assortment of fine whiskeys are already being distributed to Republican Party offices.

"'It's questionable whether the ads we were thinking of buying for Trump would work,' Harland Dorrinson, the Pennsylvania GOP chairman, said. 'We received the first shipment of alcohol this afternoon, and I can tell you that it's already working.'

"According to the most recent filing with the Federal Election Commission, after the outlays for wine and spirits the RNC will still have a million dollars in cash on hand, which will go to beer."

Local politicos might take note because 2019 will be upon us before we know it. Stock up now!

 

Websites

A LIST comes this way of companies that could have put more thought into designing their web addresses:

·         Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent representing any celebrity. Website:   www.whorepresents.com

·         Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views. Website: www.expertsexchange.com

·         Looking for a great pen? Try Pen Island. Website:   www.penisland.net

·         Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder. Website: www.therapistfinder.com

·         Then there's the Italian Power Generator company. Website:  www.powergenitalia.com

·         IP Computer Software. Website:  www.ipanywhere.com

·         Arty design? Try Speed of Art. Website:  www.speedofart.com

Tailpiece

JULIUS Caesar is addressing the populace in the Colisseum: "I have returned from my campaign in France, where I killed 50 000 Gauls".

The crowd rise to their feet, cheering: "Hail, mighty Caesar!"

Brutus leaps to his feet: "Caesar lies! He killed only 25 000!"

Caesar: "Yes, but away Gauls count double in Europe."

Last word 

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.

Will Rogers

The Idler, Monday, August 29, 2016

Our traditional schools

 

IF THE devil could have thrown his net …  Seldom do you get together under one roof such a collection of rapscallions as at the annual Traditional Schools Lunch at Salt Rock.

 

And they're a really ancient bunch of rapscallions – balding, greying, portly, wrinkled – heavens, they're showing the years these days, it makes we sprightly fellows quite uncomfortable. Guest speaker John Robbie seemed the youngest there.

 

Also astonishing is the decadent sense of humour these ancient codgers display. They clicked immediately with the salacious and unrepeatable jokes of MC Pat Smythe (aka Spyker Koekemoer) and were rocking with laughter. Shocking – men their age with their minds on … oh let's skip it.

 

Pat (an alumnus of Isipingo Primary) learned his trade at Duikers Rugby Club dinners, so nuff said. He also produced a barrage of Irish jokes for the benefit of John Robbie, who played rugby for Ireland and the British Lions before coming out here to play for Transvaal, then settling in as a radio, TV and print media commentator on all kinds of things, not just rugby.

 

But John gave back as good as he got. I have the impression though that, scanning the almost 200 fellows packed into the dining room at Salt Rock hotel, he felt a little apprehensive, as if he were revisiting Empangeni Rugby Club, where he once was guest speaker at their annual dinner. (And indeed, a sprinkling of Empangeni Rugby Club fellows were there – even at Empangeni they have to go to school, you see. Two were at our table).

 

John said the dinner at Empangeni Rugby Club started rather late. Then, just as it seemed to be getting into its stride, he telling them entertaining stories about his time with Ireland and the Lions – which he does very well - half the fellows stripped stark naked and ran outside to play touch rugby in the pouring rain, which soon developed into full-on tackling rugby.

 

"Is it always like this?" he asked one of the Empangeni honchos.

 

"No, sometimes it gets out of hand."

 

The anecdote seemed to enthuse the Empangeni fellows present. One at our table launched into a lively account of matches between Empangeni and Richards Bay. It sounded a bit like the Wars of the Roses.

 

Yes, the traditional schools – Hilton, Michaelhouse, Maritzburg College, St Charles, Kearsney, DHS, Glenwood, Westville, Northwood – they're the glue of our society.

 

 

The fellows were still milling about the lunch tables when I had to leave about 6pm for the Jazzy Rainbow, in Durban. They were lubricated and excitable. It would not surprise me to learn that a game of touch rugby ensued on the lawn in front of the Salt Rock hotel, sans pantaloons – they seemed in that sort of mood - but if it did transpire I was not there to record it.

 

At the Jazzy Rainbow it was a farewell to Dutch jazz guitarist Jim Gorrisen and the locals he teamed up with on his annual tour of South Africa – a splendid affair, a full band backing vocalists Shomon and Thulile Zama. Their rendition of Dancing Cheek To Cheek is simply superb.

 

All that was missing was the Empangeni Rugby Club. Next time maybe.

 

Sugar tax

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener suggests, in his latest grumpy newsletter, a novel approach to the issue of a sugar tax.

"While it is pretty much certain that many people put on weight if they consume too many carbohydrates, the niggling suspicion remains that the government is really revenue-seeking and is not that fussed about the population's poundage.

"For many manual labourers fortunate enough to get a job of digging, lifting and carrying, their affordable meal time choice is often just half a loaf and a bottle of Coke and very few of these chaps look overweight.

"On the other hand, the parliamentary pews are packed with prodigiously portly prattlers. So what about getting them to set an example and demonstrate the benefit of cutting out the carbs? Only those MPs who can prove that they have lost weight since their last appearance will be allowed to speak."

 

Tailpiece

 

Bank robber: "Give me the money or you're geography!"

Cashier: "You mean history?"

Bank robber: "Don't change the subject!"

 

Last word

 

So vast is art, so narrow human wit. - Alexander Pope

The Idler, Friday, August 26, 2016

v

We step up

'EREWEGO, 'erewego, 'erewego! Tomorrow we step up from the lower reaches of the Currie Cup to the real dingus. The Bulls, our ancient and honourable opponents, one of the finest rugby combinations in the world.

How we wish Patrick Lambie were recovered from that villainous charge-down by the Irish, but it seems it's not to be. What's in his place is promising, to be sure, and they will not let us down, but there's still a lacuna. We're now into big-time rugby.

Yet also, we've got what it takes. Our pack can hold them up front. Our defensive line is deadly. Just keep up the pace and the passing. Banish from the mind those aimless kicks downfield.

One gets a sense the Sharks are a side who are beginning to believe in themselves. Tomorrow's the big test.

See you in the Duikers' for the Cossack dance!

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

Ghetto isle

THE chairman of Ofsted, England's education oversight body, has had to resign after infuriating the inhabitants of the Isle of Wight, in the English Channel off the coast of Hampshire.

David Hoare had this to say: "They think of it as holiday land. But it is shocking. It's a ghetto. There has been inbreeding. Seven state schools were all less than good. There is a mass of crime, drug problems, huge unemployment."

Wow! I'm not going to say what I was going to about Isipingo.

 

Homesick

A MESSAGE arrives from a South African on holiday in London.

"I saw a car in London with a bumper sticker – 'Ek mis Suid-Afrika' (I miss South Africa).

"So I broke the window, stole the radio and laptop and left a note that said: "Voel jy nou beter?" (Do you feel better now?)

Deep reflection

SOME words of wisdom:

Betsy Salkind – "Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for 30 years. Prince Philip – "When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." Emo Philips – "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing." Harrison Ford – "Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself." Spike Milligan – "The best cure for seasickness, is to sit under a tree." Jean Rostand – "Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror." Arnold Schwarzenegger – "Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million." WH Auden – "We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea." Johnny Carson – "If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead." Warren Tantum – "I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical." Steve Martin – "Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap." Jimmy Durante – "Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is." George Roberts – "The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone." Jonathan Winters – "If God had intended us to fly, He would have made it easier to get to the airport." Robert Benchley – "I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it." John Glenn – "As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder." David Letterman – "America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked." Howard Hughes – "I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Goddammit, I'm a billionaire." Old Italian proverb – "After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

 

Tailpiece

PADDY goes to the doctor with a painful leg. The doctor puts his stethoscope to his knee and hears a tiny voice: "Lend us a tenner, lend us a tenner!"

"My ankle also hurts," says Paddy.

"The doctor puts his stethoscope to the ankle. He hears a tiny voice: "Lend us a tenner, lend us a tenner!"

"I've got bad news for you," says the doctor.

"What's dat?"

"Your leg is broke in two places."

 

Last word

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Noelie Altito

 

 

 

The Idler, Thursday, August 25, 2016

A children's poem

 

People had made a mess of the Earth

With dirt and with wars since humanity's birth:

The globe had been so desecrated,

So irrigated and tabulated.

So fumigated and mutilated;

So many lives exterminated;

The world so over-populated,

All the animals went on strike:

Hunter and hunted alike.

 

DURBAN poet Douglas Livingstone used to describe the process of writing a poem. It would churn about inside you for a long time, he said. "Then one morning you would wake up with some empty wine bottles and an ashtray full of stompies and a poem written out."

Doug was a bacteriologist who monitored the water quality on Durban's beaches and up and down the coast. He also wrote poetry of a density and intensity, as he considered humanity's place on this earth and in the universe, and our relationship with the animal kingdom, that gained him an international reputation.

He had a PhD in bacteriology from the University of Natal. He also had a D Litt from the same university, conferred for the acknowledged quality of his published poems.

He was also an engaging, absolutely unpretentious fellow with a ribald sense of fun and an appreciation of the lubricating qualities of the demon booze. A lovely guy. He died in 1996.

Few of us would have guessed Doug also wrote children's poetry. But an epic of 49 typed pages has now emerged, titled The Voyage of the Zoobie: an epic of deep space for young astronauts.

Doug gave it to Pieter Scholtz, Professor of Drama at the University, who has now decided it should see the light of day. He is getting it published. The manuscript will be discussed on Monday at St Clement's, the monthly arts soiree on the Berea. (The kind of bunfight that Doug would have so thoroughly enjoyed).

The lines quoted above are from the introduction to Zoobie. They mirror Livingstone's concern in his adult poems for the increasing destruction of the resources of the only planet in the universe known to support life.

The story is of a Captain Prendergast who takes the spaceship to the outer galaxies in search of life forms to bring back to earth to replace the animals that are on strike.

In command of the mercy rocket

Was a most accomplished, famous man

With calm blue eyes and a Deep-Space tan.

There was nothing that this Captain feared

For he had sailed the Seven Seas.

He had one capacious uniform pocket

In which he kept large lumps of cheese

On which he'd chew while at his ease,

Humming softly while he steered

His spaceship past giant Saturn's rings,

The comets, moons and stars and things …

This is lyrical stuff, it has a great poetic metre. And it's humorous. Out in space the intrepid Prendergast meets all kinds of strange beings such as the Flibflub with five red eyes.

He fibbed on this, he lied on that.

He swore, bareheaded, he wore a hat.

He'd pat his paunch, saying 'I'm not fat;'

Or expectorate, saying: 'I've not spat.'

The kids will surely go for this kind of thing. I'm impressed myself. There's a good ending, though I don't want to give away the plot.

Humans and animals began to communicate,

Each keeping his character. There was no more hate.

Machines were built so that people could

Hear a rosebud sing from where it stood.

I wonder how many empty wine bottles there were, how many stompies in the ashtray, when Doug finally got all this down?

 

Tailpiece

POPE Francis and Donald Trump are on the same stage in the Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans toward Trump and says: "Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Trump replies: "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhands him and knocks him off the stage. The crowd roars and cheers wildly and there is happiness throughout the land.

 

Last word

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Timothy Leary