The Idler, Friday, October 14, 2011

World Cup blues

IT'S WITH a feeling of emptiness that we follow what remains of the Rugby World Cup. It's not just being blown out. How, with such overwhelming possession and such overwhelming territorial advantage, and with Australia reeling in confusion much of the game, did we fail to put points on the board? Something is seriously lacking.

Reader Gray Braatvedt suggests that Kiwi referee Bryce Lawrence is South Africa's own Osama Bin Laden. But I think he is being unduly harsh.

You've got to remember that Aussie flanker and illicit ball-stealer David Pocock comes from a long line of convicts and criminals, whose modus operandi included a mesmerising of police officers to avoid detection and arrest.

So when Pocock stole the ball illegally from a ruck with his hands, right under his own posts and one pace away from Lawrence – which ought to result in a yellow card plus a penalty – the ref was in a mesmerised trance.

It will be interesting to see Pocock up against Ritchie McCaw tomorrow, possibly the only player in the world who can rival him as an illegal ball-stealer. In fact it would not be surprising if the two of them were to end up singing soprano.

It's been a bad few days, but let us not repine. Saru will no doubt come to their senses and sign up Nick Mallett before England do.

Er, they will come to their senses ... won't they?

Chicken recipe

SOME of you will remember Alf Taylor, Chief Constable of the old Durban City Police. Alf is now living in Scotland in retirement. Today he shares with us his Easy Chicken Recipe, which has popcorn as a stuffing.

Says Alf: "When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me who are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked but not dried out. Give it a try."

The recipe:

1 chicken

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing

1 cup uncooked popcorn

Salt/pepper to taste

 

Preheat oven to 200 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's backside blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.

Thank you, Alf. I can't wait to try it.

Sexism, chauvinism …

THESE stock exchange executives and pastrycooks need to be given a few lessons in manners and the appropriate treatment of women in this day and age.

In Sandton, Russell Loubser, chief executive of the Johannesburg Stock Exchange, had the effrontery to whack journalist Lisa Steyn across the bottom with a rolled-up press release and say: "You're late!" as she walked into a media conference after it had begun.

And in London – you won't believe this! - Phillip Schofield and curvaceous Holly Willoughby were co-hosting a television cookery demonstration.

Holly - who was in a form-fitting red dress - turned her back on him for a moment, at which Schofield, who'd had his hands dipped in flour, seized her curvy rear, planting a floury white imprint of a hand on each cheek.

Holly's startlement was matched only by Schofield's mirth. He later put the whole thing on Twitter.

Heh, heh ... er, ahem! Fie! What do these bounders think they're up to? In what century do they think we're living? Why do they so perpetuate the crude, sexist, stereotypical platitude of spanking or seizing the feminine derriere?

Stick to the Dow Jones, sir! Stick to rolling pastry! Life is serious!

Tailpiece

THE SHERIFF is astonished to encounter a cowboy walking down the main drag wearing nothing but his Stetson and his gunbelt.

"What's the meaning of this, Cowboy? I'm gonna book ya for indecency."

"It's like this, Sheriff. I met up with that red-haired bint in the saloon. She takes me to her trailer. Things get steamy. She gets her gear off. She gets my gear off."

"And so?"

"Then she says: 'Go to town, Cowboy, go to town!' And here I am, Sheriff."

Last word

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
James H Boren

The Idler, Thursday, October 13, 2011

Ancient scribbling

CHILDREN have been scribbling on the walls for at least 13 000 years, it seems. Archaeologists from Cambridge University, England, have identified pictures throughout a five-mile cavern network in Rouffignac, France, as being the work of children.

However, those children all those thousands of years ago would not have been scolded by their mums. The mums would not have got busy with warm water, soap and cloth.

The archaeologists believe the children's parents assisted them in their rock art, carrying them on their shoulders so they could reach the ceilings as well. I've never yet heard of any contemporary mum or dad encouraging their offspring to scribble on the ceiling.

The pictures of mammoths, horses and other animals were created by a technique called finger fluting, which allows the scientists to measure the size of the hands and fingers used. The child artists appear to have been aged between three and seven.

As well as animals, the children have painted cartoon-like human faces.

The scientists are unsure whether the children were simply being taught to paint, whether the activity had some sort of ritualistic significance or whether it was just something to do on a rainy day.

So be patient and forbearing next rainy day when Junior brightens up the home with some crayoned murals. It's been programmed into him for thousands of years.

 

KZN rock art

 

OF COURSE, KwaZulu-Natal is rich in rock art, especially in the Drakensberg. Some sites are well known and on the tourist map, others obscure. As a schoolboy I used to scramble up a cliff face on a farm near Estcourt to some small caves that had exquisite San/Bushman paintings – animals, hunting scenes and so on. But they were so inaccessible, I wonder how many people have visited them since.

 

Graffiti has been a big problem at the more well-known sites. Superb artwork has been disfigured by inscriptions, within a carved heart, such as "Frikkie loves Joeline" or "The Brakpan Bike Boys Were Here".

 

People have also thrown water on the rock art to make the colours temporarily stand out better, but this of course washes away the pigments and makes them fade.

 

This has been going on for many years, but at last something is being done about it. Amafa/Heritage KZN – the statutory body responsible for preserving the province's heritage – has started cleaning up graffiti at the rock art sites, a difficult and time-consuming task.

 

It has also introduced a permit system for the public to visit certain sites, but only when accompanied by a certified guide, selected from the local community and trained, who makes sure visitors stick to a code of conduct that rules out graffiti.

If people don't co-operate they will be prosecuted. Amafa already has two recent prosecutions successfully under its belt.

 

Not before time. Yobbism can't be allowed to destroy this artistic heritage.

 

 

Melancholy

 

THERE'S always something melancholy about a contemplation of San/Bushman rock art. What happened to these little people who lived so close to nature?

 

One version has it that they were exterminated by British settlers and the Zulus between them. But, when you think about it, that's a little far-fetched.

 

At school our Zulu master told us they died out because their women went barren. That seemed more credible though terribly sad – as if they had become like birds that refuse to breed in captivity.

 

The truth seems more complex. Some trekked away to Lake Chrissie, in present-day Mpumalanga. Some were absorbed into local clans. Some are still around in small pockets, keeping a low profile, not identifying themselves as San.

 

A few years ago I went to a gathering at a Drakensberg resort where anthropologists had managed to bring together a whole lot of the scattered remnants. There they were, bright as buttons, full of fun. The Drakensberg San are not extinct.

 

Well, not quite. And they smoked like chimneys non-stop, men and women. It was almost as if extinction was what they were really after.

 

Tailpiece

 

TWO cockroaches are munching garbage in an alley.

 

First cockroach: "Have you been into that new restaurant across the street? It's so clean. The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."

 

Second cockroach (frowning): "Please! Not while I'm eating!"

 

Last word

 

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Fred Allen

The Idler, Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Good Book

MORE biblical studies. Last week we looked at a primary school child's summary of the Bible. Now reader Gerald Sieberhagen sends in some replies written by children in tests at a Catholic elementary school.

One has to admire those nuns, the way they can keep a straight face while marking. (The replies are repeated with the kids' original spellings and grammar):

·        In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so He took the Sabbath off. ·        Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and Ark and the animals came on in pears. ·        Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. ·        The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. ·        Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. ·        Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles. ·        Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. ·        The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. ·        The First Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. ·        The Sixth Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. ·        Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. ·        The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. ·        David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. ·        Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. ·        When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. ·        Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. ·        St John the Blacksmith dumped water on His head. ·         Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. ·         The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels. ·         The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles. ·         One of the Opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan. ·         St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige. ·         Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

Great stuff! My old professor used to tell us we couldn't hope to major in English unless we'd read every line by Shakespeare plus the King James Bible twice. I'm beginning to see what she meant.

 

Smartphones

RESEARCH in Britain tells us that one in eight married couples/sweetheart couples spend more time on the smartphone than talking to the other half of the relationship.

That might well be so. But have the researchers gone into this deeply enough? So obsessed with electronic gadgetry are many people nowadays that even pillow talk is conducted by smartphone.

Boris the Menace

BORIS Johnson, Mayor of London, is one of the more engaging characters of the British political scene. A public schoolboy with a tangle of blond hair, he rides a bicycle to work every day and has a penchant for Cockney slang.

Satirical magazine Private Eye has dubbed him "Boris the Menace", after the tearaway character, Dennis the Menace (who has a tangle of jetblack hair), in the Beano comic.

Many see Johnson as the successor to Prime Minister David Cameron. In a BBC interview he pooh-poohs the idea – then goes on to suggest that a referendum on Britain's relationship with the European Union mightn't be a bad idea.

Now why would they call him Boris the Menace?

Tailpiece

A MEXICAN, an Irishman, a Pole, a kilted Scot, a priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar.

Landlord: "What the heck's this? Some kind of joke?"

Last word

No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen, government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets.

Edward Abbey

 

The Idler, Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The visa affair rumbles on

 

THE VISIT by the Dalai Lama could be still on. Information that comes this way suggests Plan B might be about to swing into action. It is revealed in this intercepted message:

 

"Dear Holiness Dalai Lama,

"Please revert to Plan B. Fly into Zimbabwe on Wednesday. Take a taxi from Harare to the South African border on Thursday. Walk across the border. No visa is required.

"See you Friday.

"Blessings,

"Archbishop Tutu."

Peals of joy

 

READER Andrew Dale meanwhile pens a few lines on the issue:

 

When Desmond Tutu won the Nobel Prize,

Loud peals rang out, the joyous news to tell.

What's this we see today before our eyes?

For Jacob Zuma ring the No-Prize Bell.

 

 

Explanation

AND AT LAST an explanation from the Department of Home Affairs of their failure to grant the Dalai Lama a visa.

"Our sincere apologies to the people of South Africa, and especially to Archbishop Desmond Tutu. When we received the visa application for the Dalai Lama, it was inadvertently filed under DA Lai Lama.

"Well, you can guess the rest. Anything to do with the DA was a no-brainer. Naturally the visa was refused. Our staff have been asked not to 'dilly-dolly' with the application. (We can't use 'dilly-dally', as 'DAlly' may be interpreted as support for the DA).

"Kind regards,

"Visa Section, Home Affairs."

I am obliged for this information to a reader named Geoff Pullan.

Would this be the same Geoff Pullan who is a DA councillor in Durban? Surely not!

 

U-turn

 

BRITISH prime minister David Cameron tells Sky News: "We can turn the UK around."

 

KU? Surely that's one U-turn too many.

Gadaffi anger

LIBYANS are apprehensive. When Colonel Gadaffi sees how ineffective his missiles were against his enemies, he's going to go ballistic.

Mind you, whatever people might say about Gaddafi having been a ruthless dictator, at least he didn't use his position to promote himself.

He was a colonel when he ousted King Idris all those years ago and a colonel he remained. Not like Idi Amin, who started out as a sergeant-major and pretty soon was a field marshal with all kinds of self-awarded gongs, starting with the VC.

Gaddafi was actually a product of Sandhurst – though they don't talk about it much.

Victoriana

WHY IS THIS TV feature on Bletchley Park – where they broke Nazi codes during World War II – illustrated with a shot of Maritzburg College? Except it's not Maritzburg College, it's the old cricket pavilion at the Oval in nearby Alexandra Park.

Except it's not that either – it's Maritzburg College and the old cricket pavilion combined. It's striking to anyone who knows them both.

It's another case of the same architectural idea being repeated in Victorian times, the way the old Durban station was designed (originally for Canada) to hold 40 feet of snow on its roof - and it's never collapsed yet!

Bletchley Park, in Buckinghamshire, is in the news because it's been awarded a £4.6 million grant from Britain's Heritage Lottery Fund for restoration and the development of a top-class visitor centre.

I wonder if there's any connection besides the uncanny architectural resemblance between Bletchley and Maritzburg College/Alexandra Park Oval. It could be that masters who had spent years trying to teach maths to Maritzburg College schoolboys would have found it a doddle cracking Nazi codes – and therefore got seconded to Bletchley Park during World War II.

This is just a theory but a beguiling one. I am prepared to accept research funding from the South African Lotto.

Tailpiece

A German, an Irishman, a Portugese and a Greek walk into a bar. The German pays.

Last word

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.

Bob Edwards

The Idler, Monday, October 10, 2011

The mysterious Dalai Lama

THE GOVERNMENT is taking a fair bit of stick internationally for its failure to issue a visa to the Dalai Lama so he could attend Archbishop Desmond Tutu's 80^th birthday party. But, to be fair, issuing a visa to the Dalai Lama is no simple matter. The Home Affairs folk have to discover who and what this person is.

One of the authorities is Ogden Nash:

The one-l lama,

He's a priest.

The two-l llama,

He's a beast.

And I will bet

A silk pajama

There isn't any

Three-l lllama.

Then, just to confuse matters further for our Home Affairs officials, Nash adds a postscript.

*The author's attention has been drawn to a type of conflagration known as a three-alarmer. Pooh.

Just who or what has Archbishop Tutu invited to his birthday party? A cleric? A beast that requires veterinary clearance? An arsonist? These things require further investigation.

And further investigation unearths still more confusion:

In far Tibet
There live a lama,
He got no poppa,
Got no momma,

He got no wife,
He got no chillun,
Got no use
For penicillun,

He got no soap,
He got no opera,
He don't know Irium
From copra,

He got no songs,
He got no banter,
He don't know Hope,
He don't know Cantor,

He got no teeth,
He got no gums,
Don't eat no Spam,
Don't need no Tums.

He love to nick him
When he shave;
He also got
No hair to save.

Got no distinction,
No clear head,
Don't call for Calvert;
Drink milk instead.

He use no lotions
For allurance,
He got no car
And no insurance,

No Alsop warnings,
No Pearson rumor
For this self-centered
Nonconsumer.

Indeed, the
Ignorant Have-Not
Don't even know
What he don't got.

If you will mind
The box-tops, comma,
I think I'll go
And join that lama.

What kind of person is this? Is he destitute and likely to be a burden on state resources? Is he indeed a destructive arsonist? Do we really want in our midst an "Ignorant Have-Not/Don't even know what he don't got"?

This sort of thing needs diligent inquiry, reference to the national intelligence service, that kind of thing. A month or so is far too short a time in which to expect Home Affairs to come up with the answers.

So, unfortunately, a visa is what the Dalai Lama don't got.

Great Danes

THE DANES are getting tough on obesity. The government has brought in a "fat tax" aimed at the roly-polies.

No, there won't be weighbridges on the pavements of Copenhagen. Portly citizens will not be weighed by traffic wardens and issued tickets based on avoirdupois registered – it hasn't yet quite come to that.

The tax is on the foods that make people fat – saturated fats and that kind of thing. It's aimed at discouraging people from buying such stuff.

But the effect so far has been an emptying of supermarket shelves as people stockpile before the tax – the equivalent of about R3.50 on a pack of butter, for example – comes into effect.

But it seems doubtful whether the tax will have the desired effect. Do taxes inhibit people from smoking or drinking? They do not.

If the Danes are serious about this anti-obesity drive, I'm afraid it's back to the traffic wardens and the weighbridges. Tax at outcome, not at source.

Long tow

A FISHERMAN on a kayak was dragged along for about a kilometre by a shark he'd hooked off the Devon coast, England. Rupert Kirkwood caught the 29.5kg tope shark about a mile offshore. Eventually he reeled it in then released it, unharmed.

They don't get much of a surf in that part of the world. You have to be towed by a shark to get the same kind of thrill. I suppose it's more eco-friendly than an outboard motor.

Fun of the fair

YOU GO TO the funfair for thrills but – wow! – not quite the way they lay it on at the village of Old Bar, north of Sydney, Australia.

These two kids were on the Big Wheel – right at the top – when a micro-light aircraft crashed into it. The Big Wheel didn't topple but it jammed, the aircraft scrunched into it.

The kids and the two occupants of the micro-light had to be rescued by a crane. Nobody was injured.

Guess who will get top marks in their "What I did in my hols" essays.

Tailpiece

WHY DO FEMALE spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts."

Last word

The greatest mystery is not that we have been flung at random between the profusion of matter and of the stars, but that within this prison we can draw from ourselves images powerful enough to deny our nothingness.

Andre Malraux

 

The Idler, Friday, October 7, 2011

World Cup count-down

ONCE more unto the breach, dear friends ... the crunch is on, sudden death. Either we take the Van Diemenslanders to the cleaners or we take the next plane home. The World Cup is suddenly at a new pitch.

Reader Richard Andersson provides a pretty nifty resume of the competition so far:

So far so good, with a bit of luck,

Not very pretty, but a lot of pluck.

Close shave that one with Wales,

Managed to weather the stormy gales.

Then came Fiji, more our style,

Made us happy for a while.

Our brothers, cousin's from South-West,

Hardly put us to the test.

As for Samoa, the Third World War,

They don't play rugby anymore.

To say the ref was poor or blind,

Putting it mildly, that would be kind.

Now for the Aussies, loud and bold,

Will they blow hot, or will they blow cold?

Never know what to expect,

One week poor, good the next.

We have to win this one to stay,

To live to fight another day.

 

Yes, it's do or die. But we're in with a great chance. Where best to watch?

I'm told a tradition has developed in Florida Road where a favourable result is greeted with a celebratory feu de joie, in which the streetlights are shot out with catapults fashioned from the ladies' knicker elastic. This could be the place to be.

 

 

More mind games

A RATHER spiteful little item is doing the rounds in cyberspace, a letter purportedly from New Zealand coach Graham Henry to his Australian counterpart, Robbie Deans (a Kiwi who once coached Canterbury and was in contention for Henry's own job before switching to Australia).

"Congratulations on reaching your 50th Test as coach of the Wallabies. What a choice job you've been doing since you first started working for New Zealand Rugby. It has been a long-term task, but the plan to ensure the All Blacks win the World Cup at home in 2011 is coming together perfectly.
"While our plan had many doubters, I always knew in my heart that the Aussies would fall for it. After reaching 50 tests as coach, I think it's only fitting to mention your top 10 highlights of sabotage to date:

·        Losing to Ireland

·        Giving Rocky Elsom the captaincy of the country he hadn't played for in over two years, then stripping it off him right before the World Cup.

·        Losing to Scotland

·        Not even getting close to winning back the Bledisloe Cup.

·        Not picking a back-up for David Pocock in the World Cup squad.

·        Never using the Wallaby bench effectively.

·        Not having a back-up game plan.

·        Using words like "contest, willing, collision, contact-zone, adaptation" to describe rugby.

·        Losing to Samoa.

·        Winning only 54 percent of all your games as coach.

"Well done once again and, as planned, we'll see you at Ritchie's after the World Cup to celebrate pulling the wool over the Aussies' eyes."

That's real bitterbek stuff and uncalled for. And who says it's just between the All Blacks and the Wallabies? What will they say when the Boks give the Aussies a pasting this weekend? Apart from anything else, the statistics are on our side. Australia don't beat us three in a row.

 

Aussie scare

LATEST news from the Land of the Long White Underpants. The Wallabies' rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported an unknown white, powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Robbie Deans immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.

After a thorough analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the tryline. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Tailpiece

THE SEVEN dwarves go off to work in the mine while Snow White stays home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

But when she gets to the mine with their lunches, there's been a cave-in. There's no sign of the dwarves.

Tearfully she calls into the shaft entrance: "Hello - is anyone there? Can anyone hear me?"

A voice floats up from the bowels of the mine: " Australia for the Rugby World Cup"!

"Thank Heavens," says Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive!"

Last word

Whoso would be a man, must be a non-conformist, and preferably play in the pack. - Ralph Waldo Emerson