The Idler, Thursday, October 6, 2011

In the beginning …   SCRIPTURE notes: An account comes this way  of a small child who was asked, as a primary school project, to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here it is: "In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one', but I think He must be a lot older than that. "Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. "Then God made the world. "He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. "Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden … Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. "Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. "Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. "One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. "After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sportscoat. "Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. "God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments.These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour's stuff. "Oh yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother. "One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. "After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. "After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then got barfed up on the shore. "There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. "After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me: 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say: 'As a matter of fact, I was.') "During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. "Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. "Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. "But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. "Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution."

 

And here endeth the lesson for today.

Tailpiece

A MAN visits his friend and is astonished to find him playing chess with his dog.

"I can't believe my eyes. That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not that smart. I beat him three times out of five."

Last word

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

 

The Idler, Wednesday, October 5, 2011

It's Red October

RED OCTOBER has snuck up on us unawares. It's that time of year when – to quote a media release issued by a certain political party – we are inspired to take forward "the spirit and the victories of the Great October Socialist Revolution of 1917 in Russia - ushering in the first workers' government in the 20^th century."

This is exciting stuff. The release also condemns "the failures of the neo-liberal macro-economic policies pursued since 1996."

It's all going to change during Red October when, we are told, the workers and the poor will be "conscientised and mobilised into becoming the makers of their own history".

It's stirring revolutionary rhetoric, of a quality seldom heard these days. Even in Cuba and North Korea, the Bolshevik revolution of 1917 is only half-remembered. In China the capitalist fatcats have taken over the party. In Russia, home of the revolution, the country is being run not even by the party but by a gang of Hell's Angels on Harley-Davidsons.

Yet here in South Africa, the revolutionary flame burns pure and unadulterated.

Let's storm the Winter Palace! Er, okay, it's a bit late for that. We'll storm the Summer Palace instead!

Red October – remember where you read it first!

Conservation

A DOZEN panda cubs are being hand-reared at a special nursery in Sichuan province, China, according to this news report. They have been born at a giant panda breeding centre which has been set up in an attempt to rescue the species from extinction.

If only the Chinese authorities would put the same kind of effort into saving our rhino from extinction.

The sickening high-technology poaching that is going on all over southern Africa is driven almost entirely by the libido of Chinese men who believe – quite erroneously – that rhino horn is a potent sexual stimulant. Demand is increased by the emergence of a new business class in China who have money to burn.

I don't think human libido has anything to do with the dwindling numbers of the pandas – it's more disappearance of habitat – but surely it's time we engaged with the Chinese authorities to end the rhino horn trade.

Either we legalise and regulate the trade, removing the financial incentive for poaching, or we somehow get the word out that rhino horn is now being used by the army to replace that blue stuff they used to put in the tea.

But it's very difficult to amend sexual mythology. We and the Chinese will have to set up something similar to the organisation De Beers and the Russians have to jointly regulate the world supply and price of diamonds.

I'm afraid I just can't see a place in it for the pandas.

Oops!

STILL with China, the country's first space laboratory was launched recently, state television giving the successful take-off of Tiangong 1 minute by minute coverage.

But – oops! – footage was accompanied by the music of a patriotic song, America the Beautiful, which contains the line: "America! America! God shed His grace on thee."

America the Beautiful was composed by a New York church organist in 1882, and has long been a favourite of US super-patriots. There have even been moves to have it replace The Star-Spangled Banner as the official national anthem.

But it could have been worse. The Chinese could have hired that fellow who butchered the South African national anthem before a rugby test in France.

 

Then and now

WALMART, the American hypermarket chain, has a policy of hiring retired people to greet and assist elderly customers. One such was known as Charley. He did a great job. But he kept arriving at work five, 10 or even 15 minutes late.

One day the boss called him in for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." 

"Yes I know, boss. I'm working on it."

"Well good, that's what I like to hear. It's odd though. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late?"

"They said: 'Good morning Admiral can I get your coffee sir?'"

 

 

Tailpiece

THEY say that men think only about sex. That's not true. They're also fixated on power, world domination, money, rugby and beer.

Last word

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Mark Twain

 

The Idler, Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A lament on the wind

 

O flower of Scotland, when will ye learrn tae finish the game?

It's a full eighty minutes, it's no' just seventy-nane;

Ye've done it twice in a row now

And now ye're a' goin' hame ...

WAS IT IMAGINATION or was that a lament which skirled over a vast distance from the Land of the Long White Underpants as the Scots again fluffed it in the closing minutes? Or was it a squawk of indignation from Wordsworth as Lady Linda made triumphant if unorthodox use of the bagpipes as the Sassenachs snatched victory?

I refer, of course, to the soap opera that has been running on the blog of former Mercury columnist Wordsworth (aka John MacDonald) since he and Lady Linda set out on their odyssey to New Zealand by tramp steamer and biplane.

Readers will recall that Wordsworth missed the sailing from Dubai to Singapore, leaving Lady Linda in the company of Ukrainians and Filipinos who spoke no English, drank no booze, consumed large quantities of salted dried fish and played ping-pong all day.

That caused tensions. But they were as nothing to the looming encounter in the pool section between England and Scotland. When Scotland blew it in a 30-second dwaal against Argentina, the tensions became unbearable because suddenly Scotland simply had to beat the Sassenachs or get on the next plane home.

Then when they again led the whole way, then again blew it in the dying minutes – well anything could happen. All I've had from Wordsworth is a brief e-mail to say it was like getting a monstrous kick in that region of the anatomy where it really hurts (I didn't know Lady Linda had taken up karate).

But the blog so far remains silent so I can only conjecture. I will keep readers informed.

Stop the presses!

MORE news from the Land of the Long White Nightshirt: "Samoa have replaced Fiji as an automatic qualifier for the eighth edition of the Rugby World Cup to be held in England in 2015 ..."

Edition? Who wrote it? Who edited it? Who proofread it? Who printed it?

Come on, fellows. It's the eighth Rugby World Cup.

The shake-out

THE WAY THINGS have shaken out, it has to be Northern Hemisphere versus Southern Hemisphere in the final. There's no way it can end up with the Boks – current holders – meeting New Zealand – the hosts - in a grand crescendo. Nor Australia. If we (or Australia) are to play the All Blacks it will be at semi-final stage.

But it's not too late to win money on this. You still get plenty of bar-room punters who are willing to bet on it being the Boks versus the All Blacks in the final. But do it fast before the maths sinks in.

 

Midweek match

WHO REMEMBERS that sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus – Derby Council versus the All Blacks:

"Derby Council eight points to three up and Derby Council have got the ball against the head. There's the Borough Surveyor ... the Chairman of the Highway and By-way Committee has kicked for touch. The line-out - and it's into the line-out and the Mayor has got the ball again. To the Borough Surveyor who's left out the Medical Officer of Health. Straight along the line to the Lady Mayoress and the Lady Mayoress has got to go through. Number two has missed her - only the fullback to beat and she's scored! The Lady Mayoress has scored, it's eleven points to three …"

Lovely stuff! And it was visual too.

Tailpiece

AN IRISH scrumhalf is standing before the Pearly Gates. A voice booms: "Seamus O'Reilly, is there any sin you have not confessed?"

O'Reilly: "Well yes dere is. It was a test against England. Dere was a ruck right on de English line. As Oi took de ball Oi fumbled. Oi knocked on. But de ref missed it. Oi went over and scored, we won de test. But it's always bothered me conscience."

Voice: "Seamus O'Reilly, that is no sin at all. You may enter."

O'Reilly: "Oh, tank you St Peter, tank you!"

Voice: "It's St Peter's day off. Dis is St Patrick."

Last word

Every time I went to tackle him, Horrocks went one way, Taylor went the other and all I got was the bloody hyphen. - Nick England (on trying to stop Phil Horrocks-Taylor)

 

 

The Idler, Monday, October 3, 2011

What a ding-dong!

WOW, THAT was a close thing against Samoa. But what a ding-dong of a match! The Boks knew they'd been in a game.

Not least Bryan Habana who got a painful toffee-apple in the thigh, then got crash-tackled right into the advertising boards. I hope he didn't walk into any cupboard doors or get his fingers caught in window sashes when he got back to the hotel. It looked like one of those days when hot coffee spills in your lap.

One felt sorry for the Samoans after that spirited and bone-crushingly tough display. It was almost like Police versus Railway Police in days of yore. (But no women on the touchline screaming: "Moer hom, Frikkie!) They say it's a man's game. This bore it out.

One felt sorry, but you couldn't agree with the commentator who said the Samoans were out of the competition and on their way home. Most of them actually live in New Zealand and play club and provincial rugby there. Home is a coach trip away, if not round the corner.

 

Red-haired beauty

A BABY monkey has been born at London Zoo with flaming red hair. Named Tango, she is a Francois Langur, one of the world's rarest monkey species, found in the wild in Vietnam and China.

Her mother, Lu Lu, and father, Neo, are both black-haired.

I say "she" even though the zoo people have not yet been able to determine her sex. But she's such a dead ringer for a spectacular redhead I encountered in a disco the other night, she just has to be female.

The zoo people expect her fur will darken with age and eventually go black like her parents'. I say what a pity. A ginger monkey has a definite charm and looks good under strobe lights.

 

Sighing and yawning

SPECTATORS crowded into an auditorium at Harvard University, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, last week to watch the awarding of the annual Ig Nobel Prizes, which have now been running for 21 years.

The prizes are awarded to scientists engaged in genuine research in areas that range from the arcane to the bizarre. The element of humour is vital to the competition. The honours are handed out by actual Nobel Prize recipients.

To win, scientists must "first make people laugh, and then make them think," according to the Ig Nobel ethos.

The biology prize went to Darryl Gwynne, of Canada, and David Rentz, of Australia, for their groundbreaking paper titled: "Beetles on the Bottle: Male Buprestids Mistake Stubbis For Females."

This translates to the layman as beetles misguidedly attempting to mate with Australian beer bottles.

The medicine prize went to a Dutch/Belgian/Australian team who investigated "Inhibitory Spillover" – the effect on the quality of decision-making by the urgent need for a widdle.

In the psychology/physiology category a University of Oslo professor looked at "Why, in everyday life, people sigh?"

A paper in the same category concerned yawning in red-footed tortoises. A British/Dutch/Hungarian/Austrian team established beyond doubt that there is "no evidence of contagious yawning" in these creatures.

The chemistry prize went to a Japanese team who determined "the ideal density of airborne wasabi (pungent horseradish) to awaken sleeping people in case of fire."

Previous Ig Nobel awards have been made for research into the collection of whale mucus as the creatures spout, using remote-controlled helicopters; the discovery that certain forms of asthma can be treated with roller-coaster rides; and firm, unshakeable proof that on icy footpaths in winter, people slip and fall less often if they wear socks on the outside of their shoes.

The research is only unintentionally funny and the organisers see it as an opportunity for scientists to socialise and talk about their work in a theatre packed with other science lovers.

The march of science. Where would we be without research of this sort?

Tailpiece

Female client: "I hear people are suing cigarette companies because their lungs got wrecked, and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat. I want to get in on the action."

 

Attorney: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

 

Female client: "Neither. I want to know if I can sue Smirnoff Ice for all the repulsive men I've ended up sleeping with."

 

Last word

Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist.

Harrison Ford

 

 

The Idler, Friday, September 30, 2011

Potassium and water

FOR WANT of a nail, the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe, the horse was lost; for want of a horse, the knight was lost; for want of a knight, the battle was lost; for want of a battle, the kingdom was lost …

Yes, such are the fortunes of war – and rugby. A wrongfooted flyhalf attempts a snap drop instead of going for the line … a 30-second lapse in focus allows a match-winning try from a conventional backline movement. Scotland did enough in 79 minutes and 30 seconds to clinch the game. But Argentina used that 30 seconds. For want of a nail …

And a humdinger is set up for tomorrow. For Scotland it's the ould enemy, England. And it's death or glory. There are no in-betweens.

For those of us who have been following his blog, the day is also likely to be a crisis in the personal life of former Mercury columnist Wordsworth (aka John MacDonald) who is in New Zealand with Lady Linda, following the fortunes of Scotland. Or rather, Wordsworth is following the fortunes of Scotland. Lady Linda is following the fortunes of England.

The Wordsworth blog is better than soap opera. Readers will recall that the New Zealand expedition got off to a shaky start when Wordsworth missed the sailing to Singapore and had Lady Linda journey alone on a freighter manned by Ukrainians and Filipinos.

The reconciliation achieved in Singapore always was fraught with the looming clash between Scotland and England. Had Scotland beaten Argentina and been left with a smooth path to the quarter-finals, that would have been the end of it. But no – Scotland blew it in that 30 seconds.

What's that chemical that behaves so badly when it comes in contact with water? Potassium. Yes, it's difficult to imagine tomorrow's Scotland-England match being anything other – in terms of our soap opera – than an explosive interaction of potassium and water.

As I write, Wordsworth's blog is strangely silent. Is he too overwrought, following the Argentina match, to strum the keyboard? Has Lady Linda strangled him in advance?

Don't miss the next enthralling episode.

 

Aunt Sally

THE BOKS shouldn't have too much trouble against Samoa today. If you go by the yardstick of by how much we beat Namibia, compared with them, we should give Samoa 20 points. But, as everyone knows, such yardsticks are nonsense in rugby. The Boks have to stay focused.

Poor little Namibia, being set up as an Aunt Sally. But at least they're there.

Rugby camaraderie

THE RUGBY World Cup has brought together in New Zealand all kinds of people from all around the world. Being rugby folk, all kinds of pranks are being played. Stories are beginning to emerge.

Three Aussies and three Maoris were travelling by train to a match in Auckland. At the station the Aussies each bought a ticket and watched as the three Maoris bought just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Aussies.

"Watch and learn bro," answered one of the Maoris.

They all boarded the train. The Aussies took their seats but all three Maoris crammed into a toilet and closed the door.

The train set off and the conductor came round collecting tickets. He knocked on the toilet door: "Ticket please!"

The door opened a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

At the station for the return trip, the Maoris again bought a single ticket. The Aussies didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a Maori.

"Watch and learn bro."

When they boarded the train the three Aussies crammed into a toilet. The three Maoris crammed into another nearby. The train departed.

Then one of the Aussies left the toilet and walked over to the one where the Maoris were hiding. He rapped on the door: "Ticket please!"

Tailpiece

 

WHAT three man-made objects can be seen from outer space? The Great Wall of China, the Pyramids and the gap in the Australian backline.

Last word

There is far too much talk about good ball and bad ball. In my opinion, good ball is when you have possession and bad ball is when the opposition have it. - Dick Jeeps

 

The Idler, Thursday, September 29, 2011

The laughter gurus

A GROUP of people have been gathering regularly in Hanoi, the capital of Vietnam, to march around, wave their arms, clap – and laugh out long and hard.

They're known as the Laughter Yoga group. The combination of unconditional laughter and yogic breathing is said to stretch muscles and trigger endorphins - the chemical in the brain that is known for its feel-good effect.

"Laughter Yoga makes people more friendly. It creates a friendly society where people have the habit of being friendly, to smile to each other," says Le Anh Son, who introduced it to Vietnam from India. "It has the potential to change society."

"Laughter makes us become younger, relaxed and comfortable. When I practice this, I forget all my sadness. It clears my mind so I can come home to do my chores as usual," says retired artist Vu Hong Diem.

At last I get it. Julius Malema and his cronies are actually laughter gurus. When they talk of nationalising the mines, closing the streets and taking the cheese from people's fridges, they're actually stretching our laughter muscles, triggering endorphins and making us feel good.

Ha, ha, ha! Hee, hee! Hoo, hoo, hoo! My mind is cleared. Boy, do I feel good!

Names

THE CHILDREN of Britain's shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, the exotically-named Ed Balls, have taken the surname of his wife, Yvette Cooper, to save themselves embarrassment.

Yvette uses her pre-marriage surname – she would probably be insulted if it were described as her "maiden" name – to identify herself in her political career (she's shadow Home Secretary) and it probably has as much to do with feminism as coyness about the alternative. All this emerges in a book just published on the Gordon Brown years in Downing Street.

Yes, a name can be a burden. I once knew a fellow called De Kock who was plagued by schoolboy humour over the telephone.

"Is that De Kock?"

"De Kock speaking."

"Can I speak to De Hen?"

Then in Maritzburg in days of yore there was a Major Hunt-Grubbe listed in the directory. He too was the regular recipient of facetious calls advising him that it's the early bird that catches the worm.

Worst though was a tea party where the good major was being introduced to an elderly lady.

"Mildred, I want you to meet Major Hunt-Grubbe."

She cupped a hand to her ear. "Could you repeat that? I'm a little hard of hearing."

"Major Hunt-Grubbe."

"Oh!" She broke into peals of laughter. "For an awful moment I thought you said Hunt-Grubbe."

 

 

 

Dice you!

FORMER Nasa scientists and engineers who are out of work following the winding up of the space shuttle programme have turned their expertise to building tricycles.

But these are not toy store tricycles. They are mean beasts, the Harley Davidsons of the tricycle world. They've produced a prototype, the Treycycle, which is powered by a Chrysler 3.5-litre engine, packs 260 horsepower and can go from 0-60mph in 3.6 seconds.

The part-bike, part-car is billed as the first race-engineered but street-legal three-wheeler. There's already a waiting list of 150 for the Treycycle, and the laid-off engineers plan to build a new one every three weeks in their first year of production, which starts next month.

Hey, just the thing for Umgeni Road late at night. Dice you, ek se!

Bin makin' music

TALKING and singing rubbish bins are the latest in the campaign against litter. The bins respond with a recorded "Thank you!" or a burst of music and song when anything is dropped in them.

In Sweden talking bins attract three times as much rubbish as the silent ones. Now they are to be tried in London and Liverpool. At Covent Garden the bin music will be opera. In Liverpool it will be the Beatles.

The "bin party" must surely become a social phenomenon. The bin becomes a kind of jukebox. You gather round with a few beers and feed the jukebox by throwing in the empty cans.

Rubbish Bin Boogie ... hey, here's a new genre!

Tailpiece

Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a hard-boiled egg wrapped in baking foil taken from the bottom of the toaster. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: "You've got too much spare time."

Last word

A sense of humour is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Dwight D Eisenhower

 

The Idler, Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Crisis in Greece

GREECE teeters on the brink. This ancient cradle of democracy is on the skids. Where to now for the European Union? It seems Greece's entry to the Eurozone – the common currency – was based all along on a financial fiddle.

On TV the other night there seemed something terribly incongruous as Greek Minister of Finance Evangelos Venizelos pleaded in parliament for acceptance of his austerity measures. Venizelos is one of the most stupendously fat politicians I have ever seen. He makes our fellows look positively twig-like. A belt-tightening speech from a man of his bulk seems bizarre.

But something positive could come out of it. Venizelos could be used like one of those "before and after" ads when a whale in a one-piece bathing suit becomes a dishy doll in a bikini after so many weeks on the slimming course. He could be wheeled out regularly to prove to the populace – the demos – that he is swallowing his own prescription for the country of austerity, cutting down on the lunches and dinners and elevenses; using the treadmill.

Perhaps Athens can in this way teach us something once again about elected and accountable democracy. Can Venizelos slim down?

Frontiers of science                               

PHYSICISTS at the European Organisation for Nuclear Research (CERN) in Switzerland think (fear might be a better word) they have disproved Einstein's Theory of Relativity. This holds that nothing can exceed the speed of light.

Yet their laboratory appears to have clocked neutrinos travelling fast enough to shatter this central pillar of physics. But they cannot quite believe it themselves, they say, because according to Einstein's famous 1905 equation, E=mc2, it is simply impossible.

"The feeling that most people have is this can't be right, this can't be real," says James Gillies, a spokesman for CERN. He says the readings have so astounded researchers that they are asking others to independently verify the measurements before claiming an actual discovery. "It's a shock. It's going to cause us problems, no doubt about that - if it's true."

How tentative can you get? Yet one appreciates the unease. Once an unravelling starts you never know where it's going to end. Isaac Newton was quite wrong about that apple that landed on his head. Galileo was deluded about the earth orbiting the sun. In fact, Oom Paul and the flat-earthers had it right all along.

All this is beyond me, I'm afraid - neutrinos (whatever they might be) whizzing about in colliders, whatever they might be. It's difficult enough getting to grips with this question of how many angels can balance on the point of a needle.

Les Blancs

 

READER Hannah Lurie asks how on earth the French could have been expected to beat the All Blacks when they were wearing white jerseys?

 

"They are known as Les Bleues - The Blues. Isn't this asking for trouble?"

 

I know, Hannah, it's perverse. England are sometimes playing in black jerseys instead of white. Except these days it's for some reason known as a "strip", not a jersey.

 

You can understand if the Boks are playing Ireland, with their almost matching shades of green, or if the Scots are playing France, both with blue as their national colour.

 

But the game is full of perversity these days. Look at the way they've changed the playing colours (not to mention names) in the Super 15. It's the Ponytails. I think they nurse a secret hatred of rugby and its traditions.

 

 

Apart from that ...

 

NEWS from Zimbabwe. Four men were apprehended by police in Harare. The police forgot to handcuff their captives and left them unattended in a police car whose engine was running, while they chased after another suspect. The four in the car put it in gear and drove off, chased by the police in a second car which then ran out of fuel. The fugitives got away.

 

The government-supporting Herald newspaper described the escape as "the conclusion of an otherwise highly-successful police operation."

Tailpiece

 

A CUSTOMER goes into a pub and stares with astonishment. A horse is behind the bar serving drinks.

Horse: "What are you staring at? Have you never seen a horse serving drinks?"

Customer: "It's not that. It's just I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

Last word

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Herm Albright