The Idler, Thursday, August 18, 2011

Here's a real man

RUSSIAN prime minister (formerly president) Vladimir Putin continues to make his counterparts in Europe and elsewhere seem a little pale and insipid. His latest Action Man exercise – filmed and televised across Russia – shows him scuba diving in the Black Sea, recovering two ancient ceramic urns of Greek origin.

He has been shown horseriding bare-chested in the mountains, hunting in Siberia and darting a whale on a scientific mission to collect skin samples.

Other action highlights captured on camera include dropping a water bomb from an aircraft on to a wildfire, fishing (again topless) and straddling a Harley-Davidson.

He also took the microphone and delivered a creditable rendition of Blueberry Hill when an American jazz group visited Moscow.

This is a new, human face of Russia. We never saw Stalin at the bowling alley, Kruschev on waterskis or Molotov ramp-jumping on a Harley. Even Gorbachev (decent bloke), if he had a passion for hang-gliding, kept it to himself. (Boris Yeltsin had the human touch but he whacked the vodka just a little too hard and he completely blew it when television picked him up pinching a female secretary's bottom).

People accuse Putin of hamming it up for the elections next year. But at least there are elections, not like in the past.

Western leaders have some catch-up to do. Maybe Barack Obama will get a pogo stick; maybe David Cameron will take up morris dancing. But Putin's the man who's making the running.

Working at wordplay

AN EXTRAORDINARY CV has come this way:

·         My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

·         Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

·         After that, I tried being a tailor but wasn't suited for it - it was a sew-sew job.

·         Next, I tried working in an engine muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

·         Then I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

·         Next I attempted being a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

·         Then I was a musician, but found I wasn't noteworthy.

·         I studied a long time to become a doctor, but didn't have any patience.

·         Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried hard but just didn't fit in.

·         I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

·         I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance ompany, but the work was too draining.

·         I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..

·         After many years of trying to find steady work, I got a job as a historian – but then realised there was no future in it.

·         My last job was with Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was the same old grind.

Memo to Human Resources: Grab this guy before he retires!

 

Tailpiece

HE SAT ON the edge of the bed watching as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her birthday was approaching. "What would you like for your birthday?"

"I'd like to be eight again." She was still looking in the mirror.

Came the Big Day and he rose early. He got her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside-down. Then he took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with him and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

"Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed as realisation dawned.

"I meant my dress size, you retard!"

Last word

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

Art Buchwald

 

The Idler, Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Life a century ago A SPLENDID photograph is doing the rounds in cyberspace of a 1910 Ford Model R – a beautiful little vehicle in red and black coachwork that was a next step into the modern automotive age from the famous Model T. Attached is some information about America in 1910: ·         The average life expectancy for men was 47. ·         Fuel for the Ford Model R was sold only in drugstores. ·         Only 14 percent of homes had a bathtub. ·         Only eight percent of homes had a telephone. ·         There were only 8 000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved road. ·         The speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. ·         The tallest structure in the world was still the Eiffel Tower. ·         The average US wage was 22 cents an hour. ·         The average US worker made between $200 and $400 a year . ·         A competent accountant could expect to earn $2 000 per year; a dentist $2 500, a veterinarian between $1 500 and $4 000; and a mechanical engineer about $5 000. ·        More than 95 percent of births were at home. ·         Ninety percent of doctors had no college education. Instead they attended medical schools, many of which  were considered substandard. ·         Sugar cost four cents a pound. ·         Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. ·         Coffee was 15 cents a pound. ·         Most women washed their hair only once a month, using egg yolk for shampoo. ·         The American flag had 45 stars. ·         The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was 30. ·         Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. ·         Two out of 10 adults couldn't read or write and only six percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. ·         Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. ·         Pharmacists said: "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ·         Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. ·         There were about 230 murders reported in the entire USA. "I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself," says the compiler. "From there, it will be sent to others all over the world - all in a matter of seconds. Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. It staggers the mind!"

Quantum leaps

YES, WE'VE moved on by quantum leaps since 1910, led by American technology. But why is everything all of a heap right now? Is forward movement always progress? It's instructive to stay in touch with the wisdom of the ancients.

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."

 

That was Cicero in 55 BC, setting out exactly what Barack Obama, David Cameron and others are today trying to achieve in order to save their societies from ruin – they seek a regression to something approximating 1910 in terms of values and work ethic.

 

The Ford Model R mentioned above was produced by Henry Ford, a manufacturing/financial genius who believed in the present and the future and once notoriously said: "History is bunk!"

 

Oh yeah? As Santayana said: "Those who refuse to learn from history are condemned to repeat it." It's happening.

 

Down memory lane

 

We were just reminiscing about the time when our car got stuck in reverse. The conversation really took us back.

Tailpiece

 

Doctor: "Wow! Those are serious lacerations you've got. How did it happen?"

 

Patient: "You won't believe me. I was sitting watching TV when there was a knock at the door. I answered it and there was this giant stag beetle on the doorstep, six feet tall. He just started laying into me with his claws and mandibles and things. Absolutely terrifying. It was all I could do to close the door on him.

 

Doctor: "Oh, I believe you all right. There's a nasty bug going around."

 

Last word

 

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.

Christopher Morley

 

The Idler, Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bheki's the man for the job

BRITISH Prime Minister David Cameron's decision to parachute in American "supercop" Bill Bratton to assist with handling the street violence and looting is said to have angered his top police chiefs, who insist they are better placed to offer guidance.

But whatever the merits or otherwise of the Bratton selection, Cameron has missed a trick He had every opportunity to arrange a secondment from within the Commonwealth of our own tough top cop, Bheki Cele.

Cele, with his gung-ho cowboy hat and catapult slung about his neck, would provide the swashbuckling presence that is lacking in British policing right now, and without which the street thugs will not be cowed.

Besides, the TV shots we see virtually every day of New Scotland Yard suggest that the place is looking a bit downmarket. If they need new premises, Cele is just the man to see to it.

Spare the rod …

 

MEANWHILE, reader Stanley Fraser pens a few lines on the London rioting and asks why discipline has broken down.

 

Beloved London up in flames
A year before Olympic Games.
Sympathisers proffer excuses,
Real - or misdirecting ruses?

'The youth are cross',
'They're at a loss',
'It's spending cuts
That wrench their guts.'
'Oh, what a shame,
their life's in vain'
Should we have dropped the cane?
Obsessive human rights to blame?
Lack of discipline in the schools?
Teachers can't enforce the rules?
Parents have no control?
Kids look forward to the dole?
What do you expect -
Law and order and respect?

 

Spare us this …

 

READER Graham Rudolph sends in some complaints made by British council house tenants.

 

·         I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

·         It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

·         My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

·         I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

·         Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

·         I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

·         Fifty percent of the walls are damp, 50 percent have crumbling plaster and 50 percent are plain filthy.

·         I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

·         The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

·         Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

·         Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

·         I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Yes, grounds for discontent certainly. But it probably didn't cause the riots.

 

Bureaucratic verbiage

HERE'S something to put into perspective government bureaucracy.

Pythagoras's theorem: 24 words. The Lord's Prayer: 66 words. Archimedes Principle: 67words. The Ten Commandments: 179 words. The Gettysburg Address: 286 words. The US Declaration of Independence : 1 300 words. The US Constitution, with all 27 Amendments: 7 818 words.

Then the European Union regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26 911 words

Tailpiece

 

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker;"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please?"

I was still deep in my routine, impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would that man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee?" I ignored it and kept concentrating. Then he yelled: "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee? Please!"

I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window at the person with the microphone. I cupped my hands and shouted back: "Would the damn fool in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

 

 

Last word

 

A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money.

Senator Everett Dirksen

 

 

The Idler, Monday, August 15, 2011

UK riots – AU steps in

NEWS from Addis Ababa. The African Union yesterday adopted a unilateral resolution to deploy troops and care packages to England as looting and violence spread from London to other major cities. Spokesperson Charity Khumalo said: "We can no longer stand by while these savages tear themselves apart."

"The AU, meeting in an emergency session to discuss the ongoing rioting in the UK, has declared that they will do "everything in their power to help bring civilisation to England".

"It's just so sad, you know," said Khumalo, speaking from the organisation's HQ in Addis Ababa. "Sitting here and watching them on TV while their society implodes. We cannot in good conscience remain idle
and let it happen."

"The AU has announced a range of initiatives that Africans can get involved with to help alleviate the misery of the English.

"For instance, we have launched an 'Adopt an English child' programme," Khumalo explained, showing journalists brochures featuring the faces of English kids. "If you donate a mere R50 a month, you can see to it that sweet little Johnny from Peckham receives a basic education, a pack of condoms and a pair of pimpin' Nikes."

Khumalo also said the AU would be parachuting in dentists along with troops as part of a 'Feel better about yourselves, Brits!' initiative.

"You can understand why they're turning on each other," the spokesperson told journalists. "You look in the mirror and you see teeth untouched by modern dentistry. It's heartbreaking enough to make anyone put a brick through a Starbucks."

The organisation also plans to air-drop care packages on major UK cities."Vegetables mainly," Khumalo confirmed. "We're sending them vegetables and toothpaste."

The AU's flagship event, however, will be a star-studded rock concert to be held in Johannesburg, with all proceeds going towards the establishment of mobile libraries around the UK. Artists ranging from Mafikizolo to Steve Hofmeyr have pledged to perform at the show.

"As a humanitarian, it's the least I can do," Hofmeyr said yesterday. "I look at those photos of the adorable little beasts knifing each other in fights over looted X-Boxes and I want to hug them and give them a nice hot cup of Milo."

Meanwhile, the week's events has seen terrified South Africans in London and Manchester packing their bags for home.

"This country is going to the dogs, dude," said Werner du Preez, a gap-year student from Johannesburg. "I've been offered a nice little two-bed place in Hillbrow where I can feel safe again."

 

 

Irish factor

 

THE RIOTING and looting in London is getting out of hand. Only last night a gang of Irishmen broke into a Ladbrokes tote in Brixton and lost £50.

 

 

International attractions

THE TOURISM industry fights valiantly to shrug off the recession. Some examples:

·         Italian hotel brochure: "This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds
from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude."

·         Polish tourist brochure: "As for the tripe served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praises to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."

·         Swiss menu: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

·         Spanish hotel brochure: "The provision of a large French widow in every room adds to visitors' comfort."

·         Athens hotel brochure: "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetising forms."

·         Hong Kong tailor's Shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

·         Bangkok Dry Cleaners: "Drop your trousers here for best results."

·         Paris Dress Shop: "Dresses for street walking."

 

Meanwhile, from the world'menus:

·         Bowels in sauce. (Presumably tripe).

·         Chopped up cow with wire through it. (Shish-kebab)

·         Buttered saucepans and fried hormones  (On offer in Japan)

·         Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream (China).

·         Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse (Hong Kong).

·         Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes (Japan).

Tailpiece

She (cooing sweetly from the kitchen): "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He (from the sofa, watching TV):  "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She: "Shut your trap! You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

 

Last word

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

Albert Einstein